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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/15/sweden-hotline-britain-tourist-campaign
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| If Sweden can have its own hotline, so can Britain. Just don’t ever call it | |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| The Swedish tourism authority has created a hotline allowing anyone to call a random Swede. “The Swedish Number” commemorates the 250th anniversary of the country becoming the first in the world to abolish censorship. | The Swedish tourism authority has created a hotline allowing anyone to call a random Swede. “The Swedish Number” commemorates the 250th anniversary of the country becoming the first in the world to abolish censorship. |
| The system connects curious callers to volunteers who’ve downloaded an app. I’d be tempted to ask how they feel about their country’s mass surveillance, but their government would probably add me to a list. Trending topics include Ikea, Abba and what they think about the Swedish Chef in The Muppets. While they surely tire of the stereotypes, it must be charming to be known for such benign, civilised cultural traits. “The British Number” would be a thing of total, unmitigated horror, wouldn’t it? Here’s a taste of what we’d have to put up with: | The system connects curious callers to volunteers who’ve downloaded an app. I’d be tempted to ask how they feel about their country’s mass surveillance, but their government would probably add me to a list. Trending topics include Ikea, Abba and what they think about the Swedish Chef in The Muppets. While they surely tire of the stereotypes, it must be charming to be known for such benign, civilised cultural traits. “The British Number” would be a thing of total, unmitigated horror, wouldn’t it? Here’s a taste of what we’d have to put up with: |
| Why do you think you’re so different? | Why do you think you’re so different? |
| Britain has been invaded by Vikings, Romans, the French and the Dutch more times than most of you realise. Throughout history, Britain’s been an international melting pot, a scrappy mongrel nation as influenced as it has been influential. Despite your ethnic and cultural diversity, why are you constantly trying to assert yourselves as completely different? Brexit seems like middle-child rebellion on a national scale. When will you stop sending Europe all your worst political parties and work with the rest of the greatest continent on Earth, with whom you share a common history and countless similarities? | Britain has been invaded by Vikings, Romans, the French and the Dutch more times than most of you realise. Throughout history, Britain’s been an international melting pot, a scrappy mongrel nation as influenced as it has been influential. Despite your ethnic and cultural diversity, why are you constantly trying to assert yourselves as completely different? Brexit seems like middle-child rebellion on a national scale. When will you stop sending Europe all your worst political parties and work with the rest of the greatest continent on Earth, with whom you share a common history and countless similarities? |
| Why do you wear so much sportswear when you take so little exercise? | Why do you wear so much sportswear when you take so little exercise? |
| Stroll into any fast food outlet and you’ll find Brits dressed up in the latest sportswear, chomping down on burgers and fried chicken drumsticks. You’re a nation with shockingly high levels of childhood obesity and an obsession with sportswear. Why not dress a little less athletically but be a little more active? Why do you like to pretend you’re a Premier League footballer while consuming their weekly calorific intake in an afternoon? Do you wear the trainers just to take pressure off your joints from excessive kebab-heft? | Stroll into any fast food outlet and you’ll find Brits dressed up in the latest sportswear, chomping down on burgers and fried chicken drumsticks. You’re a nation with shockingly high levels of childhood obesity and an obsession with sportswear. Why not dress a little less athletically but be a little more active? Why do you like to pretend you’re a Premier League footballer while consuming their weekly calorific intake in an afternoon? Do you wear the trainers just to take pressure off your joints from excessive kebab-heft? |
| When, if ever, will you stop going on about the second world war? | When, if ever, will you stop going on about the second world war? |
| Britain’s role in the second world war was an epic achievement, and worthy of remembrance from now until the end of time, but can you accept that it isn’t always totally relevant to the conversation? It isn’t a relevant metaphor when discussing relations with the modern EU. It’s pretty poor taste to bring it up in international sporting fixtures, isn’t it? Almost none of you were actually involved in the second world war, just like almost none of us were, so can we stop talking about it like it happened recently? | Britain’s role in the second world war was an epic achievement, and worthy of remembrance from now until the end of time, but can you accept that it isn’t always totally relevant to the conversation? It isn’t a relevant metaphor when discussing relations with the modern EU. It’s pretty poor taste to bring it up in international sporting fixtures, isn’t it? Almost none of you were actually involved in the second world war, just like almost none of us were, so can we stop talking about it like it happened recently? |
| Why doesn’t the Queen give up? | Why doesn’t the Queen give up? |
| The Pope retired, the queen of the Netherlands stepped out of the way, and in most countries the head of state remains in place for a fixed period of time. Barack Obama’s on the way out. After a historic, record length of time on the throne, doesn’t Queen Elizabeth deserve a retirement? | The Pope retired, the queen of the Netherlands stepped out of the way, and in most countries the head of state remains in place for a fixed period of time. Barack Obama’s on the way out. After a historic, record length of time on the throne, doesn’t Queen Elizabeth deserve a retirement? |
| When will you give up hope in the national football team? | When will you give up hope in the national football team? |
| It isn’t coming home. You know that, right? | It isn’t coming home. You know that, right? |
| Why are you so frightened of freedom of expression while obsessed with the private lives of others? | Why are you so frightened of freedom of expression while obsessed with the private lives of others? |
| Why do you ban people from sharing their views all the time, while incessantly hounding them with cameras? You all tuned in to watch Germaine Greer on Celebrity Big Brother, but she’s not allowed to speak her mind? You’re fascinated by photographs of celebrities, but horrified when they open their mouths? | Why do you ban people from sharing their views all the time, while incessantly hounding them with cameras? You all tuned in to watch Germaine Greer on Celebrity Big Brother, but she’s not allowed to speak her mind? You’re fascinated by photographs of celebrities, but horrified when they open their mouths? |
| Why is your drama always about spies? | Why is your drama always about spies? |
| We know your public schooling system churns out men and women who are emotionally repressed and therefore perfect for careers in espionage, but why is so much of your cultural output about spies? The first 20 or so James Bond films were fine, but you’re flogging a dead horse. Why is every other BBC series about spies? | We know your public schooling system churns out men and women who are emotionally repressed and therefore perfect for careers in espionage, but why is so much of your cultural output about spies? The first 20 or so James Bond films were fine, but you’re flogging a dead horse. Why is every other BBC series about spies? |
| Please can you not come to my country for your stag do? | Please can you not come to my country for your stag do? |
| There is no more obviously obnoxious blight on Britain’s reputation abroad than lads on tour. You wear your matching polo shirts and waddle around our cities searching for banter, beer and babes. Do you really have no idea how bad this looks? | There is no more obviously obnoxious blight on Britain’s reputation abroad than lads on tour. You wear your matching polo shirts and waddle around our cities searching for banter, beer and babes. Do you really have no idea how bad this looks? |
| Why do you try to lose Eurovision every year? | Why do you try to lose Eurovision every year? |
| You produce world class musical acts, and yet every year Eurovision gets even more embarrassing. Do you love to lose? Is there no amount of money you could pay Adele to crush it? | You produce world class musical acts, and yet every year Eurovision gets even more embarrassing. Do you love to lose? Is there no amount of money you could pay Adele to crush it? |
| Radio 4 comedy | Radio 4 comedy |
| When will you realise that this is a contradiction in terms? | When will you realise that this is a contradiction in terms? |