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| Ladies, please tell – how do you resist the hardmen of Ukip? | |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| Of all the political mysteries we’ll never get to the bottom of, the most unfathomable is surely Ukip’s own admission that it lags so significantly behind with female voters. At last count, over two-thirds of the party’s support was male, while the 2015 election saw the Tories post majority female support, at 56%. Ladies, what is wrong with you? We know you’re irrational, but this just proves it. How can it be that Ukip is such a thrusting and potent political force, but still struggles to break through to anything like the same degree with womankind – even when it acts like a party whose motto is the Latin for “Sorry, luv, I’m too big for condoms”? | Of all the political mysteries we’ll never get to the bottom of, the most unfathomable is surely Ukip’s own admission that it lags so significantly behind with female voters. At last count, over two-thirds of the party’s support was male, while the 2015 election saw the Tories post majority female support, at 56%. Ladies, what is wrong with you? We know you’re irrational, but this just proves it. How can it be that Ukip is such a thrusting and potent political force, but still struggles to break through to anything like the same degree with womankind – even when it acts like a party whose motto is the Latin for “Sorry, luv, I’m too big for condoms”? |
| I once saw a TV dating show in which a contestant was asked what she looked for in a partner, and she said: “I like men who fight in bars.” So the potential support base must be out there. As resignation-resistant superbug Nigel Farage is always saying: it’s up to us to reach it and build on it. Or get it to hold our jacket while we lamp some twat. Whatever. In the metaphorical dating show that is Ukip’s elite, then, who is your favourite hardman? There’s certainly an embarrassment of choice. Do join me as we review the options. | I once saw a TV dating show in which a contestant was asked what she looked for in a partner, and she said: “I like men who fight in bars.” So the potential support base must be out there. As resignation-resistant superbug Nigel Farage is always saying: it’s up to us to reach it and build on it. Or get it to hold our jacket while we lamp some twat. Whatever. In the metaphorical dating show that is Ukip’s elite, then, who is your favourite hardman? There’s certainly an embarrassment of choice. Do join me as we review the options. |
| First up is Steven Woolfe, the polished and modern wannabe leader who writes terrible poetry, yet who offered a colleague outside during a “clear the air” meeting of Ukip MEPs. Precisely what happened next appears to be a matter of debate, though no one disputes the fact that Steven later suffered two seizures and was taken to hospital, where he spent much of the afternoon reportedly fighting for his life with suspected bleeding on the brain. That grim diagnosis has thankfully not come to pass, and Woolfe is now much recovered. Or as another Ukip MEP, Nathan Gill, put it: “Steven is sick of croissants and ready for a full English.” I like how even this comment smacks of resentment at foreigners (they’re still technically foreigners, even though it’s their own country, aren’t they?). A dim view appears to have been taken of the hospital, which had not only the temerity to treat Woolfe without charge, but then to offer him a continental breakfast. | First up is Steven Woolfe, the polished and modern wannabe leader who writes terrible poetry, yet who offered a colleague outside during a “clear the air” meeting of Ukip MEPs. Precisely what happened next appears to be a matter of debate, though no one disputes the fact that Steven later suffered two seizures and was taken to hospital, where he spent much of the afternoon reportedly fighting for his life with suspected bleeding on the brain. That grim diagnosis has thankfully not come to pass, and Woolfe is now much recovered. Or as another Ukip MEP, Nathan Gill, put it: “Steven is sick of croissants and ready for a full English.” I like how even this comment smacks of resentment at foreigners (they’re still technically foreigners, even though it’s their own country, aren’t they?). A dim view appears to have been taken of the hospital, which had not only the temerity to treat Woolfe without charge, but then to offer him a continental breakfast. |
| Nigel Farage is basically Ukip’s Cary Grant now, if not its Clooney | Nigel Farage is basically Ukip’s Cary Grant now, if not its Clooney |
| Anyway, if you’re not taken with Steven, how about the fella who allegedly nearly gave him a brain haemorrhage: Mike Hookem? Mike, who is Ukip’s defence spokesman, says that what happened was that Steven walked into a door or something. On Friday he thought carefully about what he wanted to say about the slurs, and declared he was going to “fight my corner”. Mike reminds me a lot of the bit in Hard to Kill where Steven Seagal says: “I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!” | Anyway, if you’re not taken with Steven, how about the fella who allegedly nearly gave him a brain haemorrhage: Mike Hookem? Mike, who is Ukip’s defence spokesman, says that what happened was that Steven walked into a door or something. On Friday he thought carefully about what he wanted to say about the slurs, and declared he was going to “fight my corner”. Mike reminds me a lot of the bit in Hard to Kill where Steven Seagal says: “I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!” |
| If Mike doesn’t do it for you, maybe you’re a lesbian, but not the hot kind? Or maybe you have your eye on Neil Hamilton – memba him? – who on Thursday showed how political office, no matter how obscure, can make even guys who were picked last for sport at school imagine themselves to be slightly harder than Dirty Harry. While reports still had Woolfe fighting for his life, Neil busted on to the BBC to declare, like a man of the world, that Woolfe had “picked a fight and come off worse”. Yeah, welcome to politics, bitch! Furthermore, Neil chuckled like one who knows, the alleged punch-up was the kind of thing that happens when “passions run high”. To which the only reasonable reply is: dude! That means a lot from a man who basically sits on his wife’s knee dressed as her ventriloquist’s dummy. | If Mike doesn’t do it for you, maybe you’re a lesbian, but not the hot kind? Or maybe you have your eye on Neil Hamilton – memba him? – who on Thursday showed how political office, no matter how obscure, can make even guys who were picked last for sport at school imagine themselves to be slightly harder than Dirty Harry. While reports still had Woolfe fighting for his life, Neil busted on to the BBC to declare, like a man of the world, that Woolfe had “picked a fight and come off worse”. Yeah, welcome to politics, bitch! Furthermore, Neil chuckled like one who knows, the alleged punch-up was the kind of thing that happens when “passions run high”. To which the only reasonable reply is: dude! That means a lot from a man who basically sits on his wife’s knee dressed as her ventriloquist’s dummy. |
| Still, if Neil doesn’t stuff your brown envelope, maybe you’re the demographic that would be psephologically excited by Arron Banks. As the chief Ukip financier, Arron had to buy his way in to the gang, but that doesn’t stop him styling himself as the Chuck Norris of insurance firms. Having at first declared himself “utterly disgusted” at Neil Hamilton, Arron soon decided he’d prefer to be disgusting than ignored. He took to Twitter to announce: “I once punched my Oz business partner after a row but I asked permission. He sat through dinner with a bag of frozen peas on his chin.” “Odd men,” one tweeter observed rather mildly. “You wouldn’t understand,” shot back Arron, who always tweets like he’s doing 97mph in a Vauxhall Cavalier with a suit jacket hung up in the rear window. “It’s called a competitive spirit! It’s why some people are winners …” | Still, if Neil doesn’t stuff your brown envelope, maybe you’re the demographic that would be psephologically excited by Arron Banks. As the chief Ukip financier, Arron had to buy his way in to the gang, but that doesn’t stop him styling himself as the Chuck Norris of insurance firms. Having at first declared himself “utterly disgusted” at Neil Hamilton, Arron soon decided he’d prefer to be disgusting than ignored. He took to Twitter to announce: “I once punched my Oz business partner after a row but I asked permission. He sat through dinner with a bag of frozen peas on his chin.” “Odd men,” one tweeter observed rather mildly. “You wouldn’t understand,” shot back Arron, who always tweets like he’s doing 97mph in a Vauxhall Cavalier with a suit jacket hung up in the rear window. “It’s called a competitive spirit! It’s why some people are winners …” |
| Of course, if Banks isn’t your bag, ladies, you are left with covert-coated caretaker leader Nigel Farage, who is trying to rise above this illegal kumite by summarising it as “something that happens between men”. It really says something about our leading males that Farage has become the stylish sophisticate in all this. He’s basically Ukip’s Cary Grant now, if not its Clooney. The minute he’s set up this latest inquiry, he’s got his eye on a Nespresso ad. | Of course, if Banks isn’t your bag, ladies, you are left with covert-coated caretaker leader Nigel Farage, who is trying to rise above this illegal kumite by summarising it as “something that happens between men”. It really says something about our leading males that Farage has become the stylish sophisticate in all this. He’s basically Ukip’s Cary Grant now, if not its Clooney. The minute he’s set up this latest inquiry, he’s got his eye on a Nespresso ad. |
| So there you have it. Perhaps a certain amount of bloodsport is inevitable, given that Ukip has always disported itself in the Strasbourg parliament like Brits on a stag do. Various of their number have mugged off the foreigners in excruciatingly boorish speeches, formally denied pissing in hotel plant pots, got sensationally drunk, posted pictures with a stripper, and run up taxpayer bills only slightly less than the outgoing EU rebate. Now that they’ve got what they wanted out of the referendum, we are in the final stages of this jolly – which is to say, that bit when the best man punches the groom and you end up having to bellow “Speak English!” at some Dr Dipstick in A&E. It’s time to go home, lads. But will anyone still be speaking as they wait for Ryanair to airlift them out? | So there you have it. Perhaps a certain amount of bloodsport is inevitable, given that Ukip has always disported itself in the Strasbourg parliament like Brits on a stag do. Various of their number have mugged off the foreigners in excruciatingly boorish speeches, formally denied pissing in hotel plant pots, got sensationally drunk, posted pictures with a stripper, and run up taxpayer bills only slightly less than the outgoing EU rebate. Now that they’ve got what they wanted out of the referendum, we are in the final stages of this jolly – which is to say, that bit when the best man punches the groom and you end up having to bellow “Speak English!” at some Dr Dipstick in A&E. It’s time to go home, lads. But will anyone still be speaking as they wait for Ryanair to airlift them out? |
| While we’ve yet to find out, perhaps it’s time to ask whether Ukip’s brave gender experiment has delivered for the party, or is becoming even more of a liability than a business hiring a woman who might get knocked up in a couple of years? Put simply: Ukip has made amazing and admirable strides in promoting men. But let’s be realistic: that has resulted in an elite that clearly has a tendency to become too emotional, that acts highly irrationally, and that frequently comes off a bit crazy. I know Ukip hardmen want to have it all. But are they up to it? | While we’ve yet to find out, perhaps it’s time to ask whether Ukip’s brave gender experiment has delivered for the party, or is becoming even more of a liability than a business hiring a woman who might get knocked up in a couple of years? Put simply: Ukip has made amazing and admirable strides in promoting men. But let’s be realistic: that has resulted in an elite that clearly has a tendency to become too emotional, that acts highly irrationally, and that frequently comes off a bit crazy. I know Ukip hardmen want to have it all. But are they up to it? |