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I need a hobby – but do Cornish pasties count? I need a hobby – but do Cornish pasties count?
(4 months later)
My husband grew up in a Wiltshire village with a hunger for broken pianos. They sold for more than working pianos, because people liked to mend them: “There’s fuck all else to do.” There was also a pond for drowning witches. It was a sort of hobby. A lorry full of Harveys Bristol Cream once jack-knifed near this village. People came out with buckets to fill with Harveys Bristol Cream: another hobby.My husband grew up in a Wiltshire village with a hunger for broken pianos. They sold for more than working pianos, because people liked to mend them: “There’s fuck all else to do.” There was also a pond for drowning witches. It was a sort of hobby. A lorry full of Harveys Bristol Cream once jack-knifed near this village. People came out with buckets to fill with Harveys Bristol Cream: another hobby.
What is my hobby? He suggests the church choir – I am Jewish, so no – and the WI, where I can identify myself via gender, like a misogynist. I am, so far, resisting. The only hobby I’ve ever had is alcoholism, and that ended badly; and walking, until I broke my ankle, which ended badly, too.What is my hobby? He suggests the church choir – I am Jewish, so no – and the WI, where I can identify myself via gender, like a misogynist. I am, so far, resisting. The only hobby I’ve ever had is alcoholism, and that ended badly; and walking, until I broke my ankle, which ended badly, too.
He has a hobby, though: he is baking, and behaving like a loaf of bread. Since we moved from Camden, he is happier and taller. He has, literally, risen. He really hated north London. He would drive up Hampstead High Street screaming.He has a hobby, though: he is baking, and behaving like a loaf of bread. Since we moved from Camden, he is happier and taller. He has, literally, risen. He really hated north London. He would drive up Hampstead High Street screaming.
Our house in Newlyn had a four-oven Aga, and this made him happy. He began by baking challah – according to Google maps, the closest kosher bakery is still Roni’s in Hampstead – then a round granary, then a rectangular granary: he is moving through the CBeebies shapes. He went on baking forums – he described them as “angry, populated solely by men” – and described himself as an Aga lout. He is allowed an Aga because he grew up in the countryside, so, by marriage, I am, too. It is not insufferable pretension outside the M25.Our house in Newlyn had a four-oven Aga, and this made him happy. He began by baking challah – according to Google maps, the closest kosher bakery is still Roni’s in Hampstead – then a round granary, then a rectangular granary: he is moving through the CBeebies shapes. He went on baking forums – he described them as “angry, populated solely by men” – and described himself as an Aga lout. He is allowed an Aga because he grew up in the countryside, so, by marriage, I am, too. It is not insufferable pretension outside the M25.
But we had to move out of the Newlyn house because the works that were to begin “drekly” have finally begun. Now we are staying at my mother’s house in a hamlet so remote that Cornish people call it “the wilderness”. It has its own weather system and the wifi works roughly every second day. We sit under a cloud, and we cannot see the car from the window; drive east, and the cloud melts away. As so often in Cornwall – for instance during the snowfall of 2009, when the snow stopped, abruptly, at the river Tamar – it feels vaguely, if pointlessly, enchanted.But we had to move out of the Newlyn house because the works that were to begin “drekly” have finally begun. Now we are staying at my mother’s house in a hamlet so remote that Cornish people call it “the wilderness”. It has its own weather system and the wifi works roughly every second day. We sit under a cloud, and we cannot see the car from the window; drive east, and the cloud melts away. As so often in Cornwall – for instance during the snowfall of 2009, when the snow stopped, abruptly, at the river Tamar – it feels vaguely, if pointlessly, enchanted.
This holiday cottage is called Periwinkles, which is a ludicrous name if you know my mother well, or at all; she is a historian of modern Jewish history and she is not twee. It should be called Leon Trotsky Cottage, but I can’t face the sign painter’s expression. I am afraid to tell people that I live in a holiday cottage, even in late October. My husband, who is a standup comedian, gigged with Kernow King, the king of Cornish comedy. When King told the audience they had listened to “Andrew Watts, currently staying at his mother-in-law’s second home!” they glared.This holiday cottage is called Periwinkles, which is a ludicrous name if you know my mother well, or at all; she is a historian of modern Jewish history and she is not twee. It should be called Leon Trotsky Cottage, but I can’t face the sign painter’s expression. I am afraid to tell people that I live in a holiday cottage, even in late October. My husband, who is a standup comedian, gigged with Kernow King, the king of Cornish comedy. When King told the audience they had listened to “Andrew Watts, currently staying at his mother-in-law’s second home!” they glared.
Leon Trotsky Cottage does not have an Aga, but there is flour on the table and dough on the floor. I hope he will attempt a Cornish pasty, because pasties have been in the newspapers all year. First Historic England said the Cornish pasty was invented in Devon. Then a Cornish pasty was launched into space. He will, essentially, bake a news story.Leon Trotsky Cottage does not have an Aga, but there is flour on the table and dough on the floor. I hope he will attempt a Cornish pasty, because pasties have been in the newspapers all year. First Historic England said the Cornish pasty was invented in Devon. Then a Cornish pasty was launched into space. He will, essentially, bake a news story.
Recently, when asked to name his favourite pasty, Michael Gove said, “Whether it is Ginsters or the Cornwall Pasty Company, I am very, very happy. But as far as I’m concerned, if it’s got mince, potatoes, vegetables and pastry, then it’s perfect for me.” There were two factual errors in this statement, and one insult. Cornish people do not eat Ginsters pasties. There is no mince in a Cornish pasty; it is steak. And it is not the Cornwall Pasty Company, but the West Cornwall Pasty Company, whose headquarters are in Buckinghamshire. When David Cameron boasted about eating pasties in 2012, he got the name right; but he was accused of lying anyway, because the pasty outlet in question (it was in Leeds) closed in 2007.Recently, when asked to name his favourite pasty, Michael Gove said, “Whether it is Ginsters or the Cornwall Pasty Company, I am very, very happy. But as far as I’m concerned, if it’s got mince, potatoes, vegetables and pastry, then it’s perfect for me.” There were two factual errors in this statement, and one insult. Cornish people do not eat Ginsters pasties. There is no mince in a Cornish pasty; it is steak. And it is not the Cornwall Pasty Company, but the West Cornwall Pasty Company, whose headquarters are in Buckinghamshire. When David Cameron boasted about eating pasties in 2012, he got the name right; but he was accused of lying anyway, because the pasty outlet in question (it was in Leeds) closed in 2007.
There are two Cornwalls: the paradise of my fantasies and the one I’ve moved to | Tanya Gold
The final story was Brexit-related, and this is Cornish tragedy, because the duchy voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU; only metropolitan Truro and yachtie Falmouth voted to remain. (Do you remember the Newlyn fishing boat that sailed up the Thames to be greeted by Bob Geldof doing “the V”? Perhaps he was so moved that words failed him?) Since 2011, the Cornish pasty has been protected by an EU Protected Geographical Indication (PGI), preventing imposter pasties (from Devon, say) being marketed as Cornish.The final story was Brexit-related, and this is Cornish tragedy, because the duchy voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU; only metropolitan Truro and yachtie Falmouth voted to remain. (Do you remember the Newlyn fishing boat that sailed up the Thames to be greeted by Bob Geldof doing “the V”? Perhaps he was so moved that words failed him?) Since 2011, the Cornish pasty has been protected by an EU Protected Geographical Indication (PGI), preventing imposter pasties (from Devon, say) being marketed as Cornish.
Now the PGI is in doubt. Thankfully, Vince Cable has spoken up for the Cornish pasty, claiming that, “The government isn’t doing enough to guarantee the integrity of British brands such as Melton Mowbray pork pies or Cornish pasties.” I don’t care about pork pies, but campaigning for the Cornish pasty’s PGI might be a worthy hobby.Now the PGI is in doubt. Thankfully, Vince Cable has spoken up for the Cornish pasty, claiming that, “The government isn’t doing enough to guarantee the integrity of British brands such as Melton Mowbray pork pies or Cornish pasties.” I don’t care about pork pies, but campaigning for the Cornish pasty’s PGI might be a worthy hobby.
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