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Wedding Venues That Are Cheap for a Reason Wedding Venues That Are Cheap for a Reason
(35 minutes later)
Hooray! You got engaged over the holidays! But now the reality of what your wedding will cost is beginning to sink in. You’ll have to take out a second mortgage for fondant, but hey, the cement-like coating is très French. At the bridal store, you’ll max out your credit card for a gossamer veil that looks remarkably like the doily on your grandmother’s end table. When your planner mentions favors, run, or you could end up pawning your new ring to buy each of your guests a personalized platinum bottle opener.Hooray! You got engaged over the holidays! But now the reality of what your wedding will cost is beginning to sink in. You’ll have to take out a second mortgage for fondant, but hey, the cement-like coating is très French. At the bridal store, you’ll max out your credit card for a gossamer veil that looks remarkably like the doily on your grandmother’s end table. When your planner mentions favors, run, or you could end up pawning your new ring to buy each of your guests a personalized platinum bottle opener.
Not everyone breaks the bank for a wedding, though. Frugal couples go to great lengths to cut costs, marrying in tree houses or in caves. But if neither of those venues appeal to you, consider these alternatives. Word of warning: They’re cheap for a reason.Not everyone breaks the bank for a wedding, though. Frugal couples go to great lengths to cut costs, marrying in tree houses or in caves. But if neither of those venues appeal to you, consider these alternatives. Word of warning: They’re cheap for a reason.
You won’t find a more intimate setting for your special day. Guests with mold allergies are cautioned to wear surgical masks — or better yet not to breathe at all — since the carpet is original and has never been cleaned. Charlie’s mechanic will perform the ceremony and cater the affair with leftover French fries from under the seat. Accompaniment: static from loose A.M. radio. Flowers: hibiscus pattern on re-covered seats. You won’t find a more intimate setting for your special day. Guests with mold allergies are cautioned to wear surgical masks — or better yet not to breathe at all — since the carpet is original and has never been cleaned. Charlie’s mechanic will perform the ceremony and cater the affair with leftover French fries from under the seat. Accompaniment: static from loose AM radio. Flowers: hibiscus pattern on re-covered seats.
You’ll have to shower before entering, but you’re guaranteed at least two lanes. Guests who can’t swim will be provided water wings in colors chosen by the bride and her mother. Ceremony performed by that guy who always wears a Speedo. Flowers: plastic daisies torn from Mrs. Canter’s bathing cap. Catering: none, because everyone knows you shouldn’t eat for two hours before swimming. Accompaniment: Lifeguard will blow “Here Comes the Bride” on her whistle.You’ll have to shower before entering, but you’re guaranteed at least two lanes. Guests who can’t swim will be provided water wings in colors chosen by the bride and her mother. Ceremony performed by that guy who always wears a Speedo. Flowers: plastic daisies torn from Mrs. Canter’s bathing cap. Catering: none, because everyone knows you shouldn’t eat for two hours before swimming. Accompaniment: Lifeguard will blow “Here Comes the Bride” on her whistle.
Expect a reception almost as chilly as the one you got when you brought a ham to your future in-laws’ vegan Thanksgiving. Side of beef available to serve as best man. Ceremony to be performed by other side of beef. Accompaniment: free-range chickens squawking “Ode to Joy.” Flowers: Radish roses left over from butcher’s solstice celebration.Expect a reception almost as chilly as the one you got when you brought a ham to your future in-laws’ vegan Thanksgiving. Side of beef available to serve as best man. Ceremony to be performed by other side of beef. Accompaniment: free-range chickens squawking “Ode to Joy.” Flowers: Radish roses left over from butcher’s solstice celebration.
Wedding can be packaged with prepaid funerals. Till death do us part takes on a whole new meaning when a weeping mourner performs the ceremony next to your actual funeral plots. Catered by adjacent mortuary with wake leftovers. Flowers: Take your pick from entire lot. Accompaniment: Groundskeeper will tap “Worms Crawl In, Worms Crawl Out” with his shovel.Wedding can be packaged with prepaid funerals. Till death do us part takes on a whole new meaning when a weeping mourner performs the ceremony next to your actual funeral plots. Catered by adjacent mortuary with wake leftovers. Flowers: Take your pick from entire lot. Accompaniment: Groundskeeper will tap “Worms Crawl In, Worms Crawl Out” with his shovel.
Additional discount available if plane is in flight. Ceremony performed by autopilot. Why not? It does everything else. Packets of pretzels and cans of Coke Zero will be served. Accompaniment: Stan in seat 14A will pull out one of his earbuds. Flowers: image of hydrangeas torn from magazine shoved in seat pocket. Additional discount available if plane is in flight. Ceremony performed by autopilot. Why not? It does everything else. Packets of pretzels and cans of Coke Zero will be served. Accompaniment: Stan in Seat 14A will pull out one of his earbuds. Flowers: image of hydrangeas torn from magazine shoved in seat pocket.
At least we think it’s dormant. Let’s just say it has been inactive lately. A geologist will perform the ceremony, and a bartender will mix actual virgin cocktails. Accompaniment: furious clicking of seismograph.At least we think it’s dormant. Let’s just say it has been inactive lately. A geologist will perform the ceremony, and a bartender will mix actual virgin cocktails. Accompaniment: furious clicking of seismograph.
R.L. Maizes is the author of the forthcoming short-story collection “We Love Anderson Cooper.”R.L. Maizes is the author of the forthcoming short-story collection “We Love Anderson Cooper.”
Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram.Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram.