My worst exam result – and how it affected me

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/aug/20/worst-exam-result-students-gcse-failure

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Fay Schopen: ‘Who could possibly fail cookery?’

It doesn’t matter how many years have elapsed since I took an exam (more than 20, if you must know), I still remember the terror. We all can. My boyfriend, to this day, has a recurring nightmare about turning up to his English A-level and realising, with mounting horror, that he hasn’t actually been to the class for two years.

Being a nerd who never questioned the importance of doing well in school, I had no such problems with my actual GCSEs. I attended classes, did homework and, for the most part, revised. The trouble came from an unexpected direction during the practical portion of my home economics exam. At least I think that’s what they called it. It was cookery, let’s face it. And who could possibly fail cookery? All we made were banana cakes and lasagnes. I’m still not sure how it happened. It was a hot afternoon and perhaps the exam stress was getting to me. All I know is, one minute the apple pie was in the grasp of my oven mitt, the next, it was face down on the floor. I scooped the pieces up the best I could and tried to arrange them artfully in the dish. But it was too late. Humiliation washed over me. I was doomed and I knew it.

I received a D. It was my worst exam result. Worse than maths, even, and I am basically innumerate. Today, I consider this poor grade to be fairly ironic. I am a talented cook. I have even worked in professional kitchens. Although I haven’t made an apple pie since.

Alom Shaha: ‘Those poor results provided me with a useful anecdote I can wheel out for my own students’

As a teacher, it comes in handy to be able to say I once got 11% in an exam. That was what I scored in the astronomy exam at the end of the first year of my physics degree, a mere 12 months after having been a star student at school. My other end-of-year exam results weren’t much better and I only just scraped enough marks to allow me to progress to the second year of university.

I wasn’t entirely surprised by my marks – it had been a tumultuous year and I had put little time or effort into my studies. All the same, 11% was just plain shameful. At the time, these results served only to convince me that I had made a mistake in my choice of degree and should have studied English literature. But those poor exam results set me on a trajectory which has led to a rewarding, interesting and satisfying career (of sorts) and provided me with a useful anecdote I can wheel out when I want to warn my own students of the dangers of not working hard enough at school and taking exam success for granted.

Maurice Mcleod: ‘There was an option to do maths A-level at 14 but I was worried about being called a swot so I held off’

I was far from a star pupil but I was quite good at exams. I enjoyed the drama and revelled in the stress that my classmates seemed to struggle with. I was particularly good at maths and physics and had a private dream that I’d become an astronaut and be the first black guy on Mars. Failing that, I’d be a broker in the City and make millions.

Our maths teacher let us work at our own speeds and by the time I was 14 I was somehow years ahead of the rest of my class. There was an option to do my maths A-level at 14 but I was worried about being called a swot so I held off and did no maths for almost three years. By the time I did the exam I had fallen way behind. I got an E.

It seemed clear then that I’d never be an astronaut or a stockbroker, so I assumed that my chance of living a successful, fulfilling life was over.

Afterwards, I concentrated on English, philosophy, sociology and all of those “softer” subjects and went on to become a journalist. I’ve loved my working life and think I chose the right path, but I still sometimes wish I could have walked on Mars.

Joel Golby: ‘Do you know how hard you have to mess up to get a U? Essentially, you have to die mid-exam’

You haven’t known the dark futility of the universe until you’ve got a U in A-level general studies. Because – do you know how hard you have to mess up to get a U? Essentially, you have to die mid-exam, misspell your own name on the front of the test, or just not turn up at all. I did none of those things. I actually tried, I actually did the exam. I just tested so badly an AQA representative deemed it unworthy of a grade.

Thing is, on results day, a lot of adults who turned out all right despite getting a U in general studies or similar are going to tell you, “Hey, I turned out all right despite getting a U in general studies” and, “Hey: you’ll turn out all right, despite your U in general studies” and, “Hey: your U in general studies isn’t the end of the world”. But they are wrong. It is the end of the world.

The life you had where a U in general studies matters just ended, and the person you were there was slaughtered. You now live in a much more real, horrible world, where a U in general studies is irrelevant – yes, entirely irrelevant, the most irrelevant thing ever conceived – but also now everything else is sharply very relevant, and you have to, like, get a job, and pay rent, and know vaguely how much a water bill costs, and actually watch the news sometimes. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it?

Listen I used to be like you: I used to think I was young, and cool. Do you want to know what I found myself doing recently? I turned up the volume on an advert for a bank in case their new current account offered better terms than my own. It didn’t. So I made a cup of cocoa and, at 10pm, went to bed. What I’d give for a U in general studies now. Your U seems bad now, sure, but in a decade’s time you’ll find yourself trapped in a mediocre hellscape several magnitudes worse than your own, called “adult life”, and there is no chance of doing resits and no local photographers turn up in a bodywarmer and ask you to leap youthfully into the air. Revel in your U. Bathe in it. Enjoy the insanely decadent exams party you are going to tonight. Remember this fancy misery when you are old and grey and in need of a bank account.