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Forget cars and cash. If you want your kids to do well, show a little faith Why my daughter won’t be getting a new phone for passing her GCSEs
(35 minutes later)
Like around one and half million other parents in Britain this morning, I woke up with just one thought in my mind. It’s GCSE results day, and my 16-year-old is about to find out how she fared in the exams she took earlier in the summer. She’s nervous; I’m nervous; her dad is nervous; her sisters are nervous. Even the rabbit looks a bit nervous, though that may just be because someone has forgotten to feed him.Like around one and half million other parents in Britain this morning, I woke up with just one thought in my mind. It’s GCSE results day, and my 16-year-old is about to find out how she fared in the exams she took earlier in the summer. She’s nervous; I’m nervous; her dad is nervous; her sisters are nervous. Even the rabbit looks a bit nervous, though that may just be because someone has forgotten to feed him.
We’re all rooting for our girl, of course. But I’m a lot more sanguine this time around than I probably was five and seven years ago, when her older sisters got their results.We’re all rooting for our girl, of course. But I’m a lot more sanguine this time around than I probably was five and seven years ago, when her older sisters got their results.
Partly that’s because I’ve got a longer-term perspective now: I’ve seen how my older daughters’ lives have panned out, and I can slot GCSE results into the space they rightfully occupy, neither under nor overestimating them.Partly that’s because I’ve got a longer-term perspective now: I’ve seen how my older daughters’ lives have panned out, and I can slot GCSE results into the space they rightfully occupy, neither under nor overestimating them.
Because yes, they do matter: when your child comes to make his or her university or job application, those GCSEs are a snapshot of their academic ability, a temperature reading on the barometer of their potential.Because yes, they do matter: when your child comes to make his or her university or job application, those GCSEs are a snapshot of their academic ability, a temperature reading on the barometer of their potential.
But equally, they’re absolutely not the be-all and end-all. They’re an important staging post on a long journey that started way back in nursery school, and which will carry on for most young people for several more years. In your child’s arsenal of life skills, exam results aren’t even at the top of the pile. What matters most, in my view anyway, are a youngster’s resilience and determination, and his or her ability to get on with other people. They’re way ahead of exam results, every time.But equally, they’re absolutely not the be-all and end-all. They’re an important staging post on a long journey that started way back in nursery school, and which will carry on for most young people for several more years. In your child’s arsenal of life skills, exam results aren’t even at the top of the pile. What matters most, in my view anyway, are a youngster’s resilience and determination, and his or her ability to get on with other people. They’re way ahead of exam results, every time.
Related: GCSE results day 2015: pass rates rise as UK students find out grades – liveRelated: GCSE results day 2015: pass rates rise as UK students find out grades – live
So I’m certainly not one of the eight in 10 parents we’re told are now incentivising their kids’ results – according to a survey out this week, youngsters are being promised all sorts, from cash to new laptops and mobile phones to downpayments on cars. I’m astonished the number is so high, because the simple truth is that these incentives don’t work, as the Education Endowment Foundation discovered last year.So I’m certainly not one of the eight in 10 parents we’re told are now incentivising their kids’ results – according to a survey out this week, youngsters are being promised all sorts, from cash to new laptops and mobile phones to downpayments on cars. I’m astonished the number is so high, because the simple truth is that these incentives don’t work, as the Education Endowment Foundation discovered last year.
But we parents shouldn’t need research to tell us what, in our hearts, we know. The fact is that we are raising them to be independent, to be running their lives on their own terms and for themselves.But we parents shouldn’t need research to tell us what, in our hearts, we know. The fact is that we are raising them to be independent, to be running their lives on their own terms and for themselves.
So I tell Miranda, my 16-year-old, who would love some cash or a new laptop that whatever exam results she gets today they are not for me. Nor are they for her dad, or for her sisters, even though we all care about her and hope she’ll do well. Those exams are for her alone, and for her future. She must own her own successes and bear the brunt of her own failures, because this is what growing up is.So I tell Miranda, my 16-year-old, who would love some cash or a new laptop that whatever exam results she gets today they are not for me. Nor are they for her dad, or for her sisters, even though we all care about her and hope she’ll do well. Those exams are for her alone, and for her future. She must own her own successes and bear the brunt of her own failures, because this is what growing up is.
Parents must try to raise children to be their own people, separate from us and our ambitions and our dreams. That’s how we help them to be strong, and that’s how we teach them to do what all children must one day do, which is survive in the world without us.Parents must try to raise children to be their own people, separate from us and our ambitions and our dreams. That’s how we help them to be strong, and that’s how we teach them to do what all children must one day do, which is survive in the world without us.
the most important thing we can do for our children is to believe in themthe most important thing we can do for our children is to believe in them
The further I go along this parenting path, the more convinced I am that the most important thing we can do for our children is to believe in them. Of course every kid knows their mum and dad view them through totally skewed, rose-tinted, entirely biased glasses; but equally, every child needs that total belief in them that only a parent can truly offer. It’s our job to believe in them; and we know instinctively where their qualities lie, and what their talents are to share with the world. We know all this and yet, for some reason, we sometimes miss our footing, lose our confidence; we allow ourselves to be pulled into a kind of objective view, often an overly academic view, so that we can only see our offspring compared with other people’s kids, rather than as the unique and wonderful individuals they are, with a whole wealth of gifts and abilities.The further I go along this parenting path, the more convinced I am that the most important thing we can do for our children is to believe in them. Of course every kid knows their mum and dad view them through totally skewed, rose-tinted, entirely biased glasses; but equally, every child needs that total belief in them that only a parent can truly offer. It’s our job to believe in them; and we know instinctively where their qualities lie, and what their talents are to share with the world. We know all this and yet, for some reason, we sometimes miss our footing, lose our confidence; we allow ourselves to be pulled into a kind of objective view, often an overly academic view, so that we can only see our offspring compared with other people’s kids, rather than as the unique and wonderful individuals they are, with a whole wealth of gifts and abilities.
Today, whatever happens to my daughter, I’m going to do my best to keep hold of that bedrock belief, deep in my heart, that she will succeed in life, whatever she does in her exams. Because believing in our children, and not in their exam results, is one of the central duties of parenting; and also, by a happy coincidence, it’s one of the most delightful aspects of the job, too.Today, whatever happens to my daughter, I’m going to do my best to keep hold of that bedrock belief, deep in my heart, that she will succeed in life, whatever she does in her exams. Because believing in our children, and not in their exam results, is one of the central duties of parenting; and also, by a happy coincidence, it’s one of the most delightful aspects of the job, too.