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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2015/aug/26/jermain-defoe-plant-watering-job-advert-silly-season-sunderland-personal-assistant
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| Jermain Defoe and his plant-watering job advert have silly season sewn up | Jermain Defoe and his plant-watering job advert have silly season sewn up |
| (about 3 hours later) | |
| What is not germane to the job of being Jermain Defoe’s personal assistant? Very little, is the answer. Global marketing, plant watering, organising Black History Month events, fridge stocking – all these are areas relevant to the matter in hand, which is sourcing a personal assistant to the Sunderland striker. | What is not germane to the job of being Jermain Defoe’s personal assistant? Very little, is the answer. Global marketing, plant watering, organising Black History Month events, fridge stocking – all these are areas relevant to the matter in hand, which is sourcing a personal assistant to the Sunderland striker. |
| August being the month for game-changing employment moves in the world of football, Jermain has placed an enticing ad for the “24/7” position on a secretarial website, in which he detailed the many requirements of the role. In excess of 50, these featured running his various houses, liaising with gardeners and interior designers and gentlemen’s outfitters called things like Zap, and producing his iPhone apps. I get the feeling you’d need to be as at home picking up discarded clothing from the floor as you would project-managing the construction of a frescoed basement theme bar – and getting it done, like, yesterday. Jermain doesn’t specifically mention running him up anything from steamed fish with vegetables to a prepared media reaction to unfolding events in the Chinese markets but I think we ought to take that as a given. | |
| Related: Jermain Defoe advertises for 24/7 assistant to grow global brand … and stock fridge | Related: Jermain Defoe advertises for 24/7 assistant to grow global brand … and stock fridge |
| There are those who have chuntered about how completely unacceptable this all is but there is something about the £50,000 to £60,000 salary that makes this pretty much of a victimless crime – if not a future Anne Hathaway movie. | There are those who have chuntered about how completely unacceptable this all is but there is something about the £50,000 to £60,000 salary that makes this pretty much of a victimless crime – if not a future Anne Hathaway movie. |
| Indeed, almost the only duty the personal assistant will be spared is giving us a much-needed August laugh. Jermain has that one all sewn up – and the lucky applicant will not have to make time for it in their three-dimensional hellscape of a calendar. Having said that, Jermain has also relieved the incoming employee of the stated aim of “gaining further recognition within the media”, with this job advert having garnered him more attention than he has been afforded for quite some time. | Indeed, almost the only duty the personal assistant will be spared is giving us a much-needed August laugh. Jermain has that one all sewn up – and the lucky applicant will not have to make time for it in their three-dimensional hellscape of a calendar. Having said that, Jermain has also relieved the incoming employee of the stated aim of “gaining further recognition within the media”, with this job advert having garnered him more attention than he has been afforded for quite some time. |
| In fact, this is the best piece of Defoe-related merriment since Jermain’s erstwhile fiancee, one Charlotte Mears, was paid actual money by the actual Foreign Office to collaborate on travel advice. “It might sound trivial,” advised Charlotte, “but you never know when you might break a nail or your extensions turn green in the pool. To stay looking your best, even if you are not taking a personal stylist with you, get a number of good local beauticians or check if the hotel has one before you go!” (That Jermain and Charlotte had been denied a trip to a certain German spa town one year previously went thoughtfully unmentioned by the FCO.) “Get your jabs,” ran another invaluable tip, “not just your Botox.” Arguably the standout was her sharing of the so-called Wag’s technique for looking “in the know” when you arrive somewhere. “Wear something the locals would but with a unique twist. Think henna’d hands in India.” | In fact, this is the best piece of Defoe-related merriment since Jermain’s erstwhile fiancee, one Charlotte Mears, was paid actual money by the actual Foreign Office to collaborate on travel advice. “It might sound trivial,” advised Charlotte, “but you never know when you might break a nail or your extensions turn green in the pool. To stay looking your best, even if you are not taking a personal stylist with you, get a number of good local beauticians or check if the hotel has one before you go!” (That Jermain and Charlotte had been denied a trip to a certain German spa town one year previously went thoughtfully unmentioned by the FCO.) “Get your jabs,” ran another invaluable tip, “not just your Botox.” Arguably the standout was her sharing of the so-called Wag’s technique for looking “in the know” when you arrive somewhere. “Wear something the locals would but with a unique twist. Think henna’d hands in India.” |
| Secretly, of course, many of us wish for footballers to behave in these amusing ways – or at least some of them. While we all appreciate the glitz-free dedication of a Paul Scholes, many also crave the baroque silliness of Raheem Sterling’s in-home barber’s salon. Blue mosaic tiles in swimming pools are all very well but there is a time and a place for lining yours with a vast depiction of the club crest (usually about six months before you do one to a bitter rival). For every 10 low-key labourers, there must be at least one Louis Quatorze, with a missing self-awareness lobe and slightly more ambitious plans for their “brand” than Apple. | Secretly, of course, many of us wish for footballers to behave in these amusing ways – or at least some of them. While we all appreciate the glitz-free dedication of a Paul Scholes, many also crave the baroque silliness of Raheem Sterling’s in-home barber’s salon. Blue mosaic tiles in swimming pools are all very well but there is a time and a place for lining yours with a vast depiction of the club crest (usually about six months before you do one to a bitter rival). For every 10 low-key labourers, there must be at least one Louis Quatorze, with a missing self-awareness lobe and slightly more ambitious plans for their “brand” than Apple. |
| So bravo to Jermain for doing his bit to shore up the ranks of the latter. How else to classify a man who – inter alia – is effectively seeking a master perfumer? Yes, one of the successful candidate’s responsibilities will be to create Defoe’s signature fragrance line, upon which we must hereby slap the working title Gaiety of the Nation. Gaiety of the Nation By Jermain Defoe. Smell ya later, haters! | So bravo to Jermain for doing his bit to shore up the ranks of the latter. How else to classify a man who – inter alia – is effectively seeking a master perfumer? Yes, one of the successful candidate’s responsibilities will be to create Defoe’s signature fragrance line, upon which we must hereby slap the working title Gaiety of the Nation. Gaiety of the Nation By Jermain Defoe. Smell ya later, haters! |
| Football labouring over the leadership question | |
| How is it possible that no footballer has yet broken their silence on the Labour leadership contest, which has electrified the entire nation like a toaster in the bath? On Monday Andy Burnham appeared anxious to dog-whistle at what Liz Kendall might refer to as football’s stakeholders, with another gossamer reminder that he is not from Westminster parts. “I’ll be like Brian Clough with my shadow health secretary,” he declared Cloughily at a rally. “I’ll have a very beady eye on whoever does that job.” | |
| Meanwhile, with so many unions having declared their preferences, the Professional Footballers’ Association still remains tight-lipped, as its firebrand chief executive, Gordon Taylor OBE declines to surrender to the inevitable and become Labour affiliated. | |
| As for the leadership frontrunner, Jeremy Corbyn, there is believed to be fevered speculation in dressing rooms up and down the land as to what his widely predicted victory will bring. | |
| At the Emirates, they could be feeling pretty positive, given that in 2004 Corbyn signed an early day motion demanding that the Commons recognised Arsenal as “the best football team in the world”. (For those who may wonder, all early day motions – however facetious – cost the taxpayer £290. Then again, never underestimate the joy these pieces of parliamentary business bring to ordinary people. People outside the Westminster bubble.) | |
| But with the Corbyn camp floating the idea of a maximum wage – which some have pegged at £1m – and the average Premier League salary standing at £1.6m, an intervention from the top flight would seem timely. Could someone – anyone – oblige? | But with the Corbyn camp floating the idea of a maximum wage – which some have pegged at £1m – and the average Premier League salary standing at £1.6m, an intervention from the top flight would seem timely. Could someone – anyone – oblige? |