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| Periods cost £18,000? Here are five things I’d rather spend the money on | |
| (about 1 hour later) | |
| When I worked for a teen mag, part of our problem page was sponsored by one of the leading sanitary-towel brands. This is the sort of arrangement that allows print titles to run and turn a profit, but we all grumbled about it, especially the clause that meant any reader problems about menstruation had to be answered with the words “Have a happy period!” which sounds pretty condescending even when you’re not bent double with cramps. | When I worked for a teen mag, part of our problem page was sponsored by one of the leading sanitary-towel brands. This is the sort of arrangement that allows print titles to run and turn a profit, but we all grumbled about it, especially the clause that meant any reader problems about menstruation had to be answered with the words “Have a happy period!” which sounds pretty condescending even when you’re not bent double with cramps. |
| Now research claims that the average woman spends over £18,000 in a lifetime on sanitary wear and other items to make the monthly event slightly more bearable, which made me wonder whether the old slogan should be replaced with “Have a luxury period!” The average UK annual salary is £26,500; how are we spending almost 68% of one year’s money on tampons and cocodamol? Have I missed something? Are other women using feather-light cashmere pads, and comfort snacking on Fabergé eggs instead of barbecue Kettle Chips? | |
| Apparently this just covers the basics – mainly replacement clean pants and actual sanitary protection, although the latter is taxed as a luxury item. The word “luxury” usually indicates a choice, as in “Shall I have the duck down, or the goose down?” or “How would you like your steak?” I understand that I’m probably spending more money than I need to by “choosing” tampons over the Mooncup, or free bleeding. Also, that having 18 grand to spend on periods is a luxury, when millions of women all over the world don’t have access to sanitary protection, and in India alone, 70% of reproductive diseases are caused by poor menstrual hygiene. | Apparently this just covers the basics – mainly replacement clean pants and actual sanitary protection, although the latter is taxed as a luxury item. The word “luxury” usually indicates a choice, as in “Shall I have the duck down, or the goose down?” or “How would you like your steak?” I understand that I’m probably spending more money than I need to by “choosing” tampons over the Mooncup, or free bleeding. Also, that having 18 grand to spend on periods is a luxury, when millions of women all over the world don’t have access to sanitary protection, and in India alone, 70% of reproductive diseases are caused by poor menstrual hygiene. |
| Still, if the average woman in the UK is paying £18,000 for the luxury of simply being a woman, surely they should decide exactly how that money is spent? I want a period tax rebate. Here are the things I’d buy if I wasn’t spending the best part of 20 grand on boxes of cylinders of bleached cotton: | Still, if the average woman in the UK is paying £18,000 for the luxury of simply being a woman, surely they should decide exactly how that money is spent? I want a period tax rebate. Here are the things I’d buy if I wasn’t spending the best part of 20 grand on boxes of cylinders of bleached cotton: |
| 18,000 jars of Tesco Custard Cream spread | 18,000 jars of Tesco Custard Cream spread |
| This product is the spiritual sister of breakfast pizza, and the sandwich where the bread is replaced with fried chicken. It’s vanilla sugar goo, and 18,000 jars of joy would be enough for me and everyone I know for the rest of our lives. My friends and family would never need to use their teeth to eat biscuits ever again. That said, I suspect they wouldn’t have any teeth left after the first 400 jars. Alternatively, I’d settle for 8,000 jars of the slightly more upmarket Lotus Biscoff speculoos spread. | This product is the spiritual sister of breakfast pizza, and the sandwich where the bread is replaced with fried chicken. It’s vanilla sugar goo, and 18,000 jars of joy would be enough for me and everyone I know for the rest of our lives. My friends and family would never need to use their teeth to eat biscuits ever again. That said, I suspect they wouldn’t have any teeth left after the first 400 jars. Alternatively, I’d settle for 8,000 jars of the slightly more upmarket Lotus Biscoff speculoos spread. |
| Estate jewellery | Estate jewellery |
| Depressingly, I thought that 18 grand might get me something that once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor – but a lifetime of period money wouldn’t even buy me an earring back. When Christie’s auctioned off some of her jewels, the cheapest piece, an emerald and diamond necklace, went for $314,500. So I’ve decided to spend my hypothetical blood bucks on this bargainous Victorian fly brooch and a cat playing a jewelled violin. Well, they are in the period jewellery section… | Depressingly, I thought that 18 grand might get me something that once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor – but a lifetime of period money wouldn’t even buy me an earring back. When Christie’s auctioned off some of her jewels, the cheapest piece, an emerald and diamond necklace, went for $314,500. So I’ve decided to spend my hypothetical blood bucks on this bargainous Victorian fly brooch and a cat playing a jewelled violin. Well, they are in the period jewellery section… |
| A night at the Connaught | A night at the Connaught |
| I could definitely have a happy period if I checked into the Connaught’s apartment suite, which costs £16,800 a night. There would be enough change left for a mink-lined hot water bottle, medical-grade painkillers and some really, really posh crisps. (I’m thinking Walker’s Sensations.) The suite comes with a butler, and presumably they’d be happy to spend the night listening to you getting angry about Made in Chelsea plotlines while quietly reassuring you that your uterus isn’t actually falling out. | I could definitely have a happy period if I checked into the Connaught’s apartment suite, which costs £16,800 a night. There would be enough change left for a mink-lined hot water bottle, medical-grade painkillers and some really, really posh crisps. (I’m thinking Walker’s Sensations.) The suite comes with a butler, and presumably they’d be happy to spend the night listening to you getting angry about Made in Chelsea plotlines while quietly reassuring you that your uterus isn’t actually falling out. |
| Dolly Parton’s hair | Dolly Parton’s hair |
| Googling “Dolly Parton wig auction” keeps taking me to eBay fancy-dress stores, but a top-quality bespoke wig made from human hair costs around £2,000. If I gave up having my periods, I could commission nine hairpieces – one for every key era of Dolly. Would you rather spend your hard-earned cash on ibuprofen and Dairy Milk, or invest it in the ultimate bathroom mirror prop for a rendition of Jolene? This one is a no-brainer. | Googling “Dolly Parton wig auction” keeps taking me to eBay fancy-dress stores, but a top-quality bespoke wig made from human hair costs around £2,000. If I gave up having my periods, I could commission nine hairpieces – one for every key era of Dolly. Would you rather spend your hard-earned cash on ibuprofen and Dairy Milk, or invest it in the ultimate bathroom mirror prop for a rendition of Jolene? This one is a no-brainer. |
| A really big telly | A really big telly |
| If you missed a lifetime of menstruating, you’d have enough spare cash for a 98in 3D screen, which would bring a whole new level of entertainment to a Storage Wars marathon. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by suggesting that you use it to watch period dramas, but look out for the ad breaks. You’ll experience bold new levels of anger when you watch girls in white dresses shilling sanitary wear when they’re lifesize, in your living room and rendered in realistic HD. | If you missed a lifetime of menstruating, you’d have enough spare cash for a 98in 3D screen, which would bring a whole new level of entertainment to a Storage Wars marathon. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by suggesting that you use it to watch period dramas, but look out for the ad breaks. You’ll experience bold new levels of anger when you watch girls in white dresses shilling sanitary wear when they’re lifesize, in your living room and rendered in realistic HD. |
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