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| Just how easy is it to break a Guinness World Record? | |
| (2 days later) | |
| Name: Rhik Samadder | Name: Rhik Samadder |
| Challenge: most jelly moved in 30 seconds | Challenge: most jelly moved in 30 seconds |
| I am attempting to move the most amount of jelly with a teaspoon in 30 seconds. No one has tried this before – not because it’s hard or dangerous or expensive, but because it’s so utterly pointless (yet specific) that no one’s even thought of trying. By definition, I cannot fail. Except I can. Marco, our surprisingly sardonic official Guinness adjudicator, informs me I must move at least 250g from one bowl to another to qualify as a record breaker. “We are the fun police,” he says wryly, then goes about proving it – testing the consistency of my jelly (must be mashed), the distance between my bowls (has to be 30cm) and capacity of my teaspoon (no more than 5ml). In the meantime, I practise my technique – shallow scoops, transported bowl to bowl in a fluid figure eight. I assume a broad stance, low, so I can rock laterally with my hips, minimising arm movement. In the distance, I can hear people laughing at me – they don’t think I’m ready for this jelly. | I am attempting to move the most amount of jelly with a teaspoon in 30 seconds. No one has tried this before – not because it’s hard or dangerous or expensive, but because it’s so utterly pointless (yet specific) that no one’s even thought of trying. By definition, I cannot fail. Except I can. Marco, our surprisingly sardonic official Guinness adjudicator, informs me I must move at least 250g from one bowl to another to qualify as a record breaker. “We are the fun police,” he says wryly, then goes about proving it – testing the consistency of my jelly (must be mashed), the distance between my bowls (has to be 30cm) and capacity of my teaspoon (no more than 5ml). In the meantime, I practise my technique – shallow scoops, transported bowl to bowl in a fluid figure eight. I assume a broad stance, low, so I can rock laterally with my hips, minimising arm movement. In the distance, I can hear people laughing at me – they don’t think I’m ready for this jelly. |
| “Go,” says Marco, and I realise I don’t know what 250g of jelly looks like. Is it a lot? I start shovelling. My technique’s out the window. Sometimes the jelly slides off the spoon completely. The amount I’ve moved is pathetic. It’s over quickly. “Three, two, one, stop!” On my desperate, final thrust, jelly flies off the spoon and on to Marco’s jacket. | “Go,” says Marco, and I realise I don’t know what 250g of jelly looks like. Is it a lot? I start shovelling. My technique’s out the window. Sometimes the jelly slides off the spoon completely. The amount I’ve moved is pathetic. It’s over quickly. “Three, two, one, stop!” On my desperate, final thrust, jelly flies off the spoon and on to Marco’s jacket. |
| Tension rises. Marco checks the scales and smiles. I’ve smashed it! He shakes my hand and presents me with a certificate, which declares me Officially Amazing. It means I am better than everyone in the room, I think. The Chariots of Fire theme starts to play in my head. I am a champion. Plus, I’ve learnt what 250g of jelly looks like (not very much). | Tension rises. Marco checks the scales and smiles. I’ve smashed it! He shakes my hand and presents me with a certificate, which declares me Officially Amazing. It means I am better than everyone in the room, I think. The Chariots of Fire theme starts to play in my head. I am a champion. Plus, I’ve learnt what 250g of jelly looks like (not very much). |
| Name: Sophie Heawood | Name: Sophie Heawood |
| Challenge: stack 29 toilet rolls in 30 seconds | Challenge: stack 29 toilet rolls in 30 seconds |
| What I recommend, if you’re trying to get into the book of Guinness World Records, is not going to Cornwall beforehand, falling down some wet rocks and being covered in cuts and bruises for the big day. Although if you want an excuse for why you didn’t break the world record for building a tower of more than 28 toilet paper rolls in 30 seconds, scabby limbs are quite a good one. Now there’s a sentence I have never typed before; I hope never to type it again. | What I recommend, if you’re trying to get into the book of Guinness World Records, is not going to Cornwall beforehand, falling down some wet rocks and being covered in cuts and bruises for the big day. Although if you want an excuse for why you didn’t break the world record for building a tower of more than 28 toilet paper rolls in 30 seconds, scabby limbs are quite a good one. Now there’s a sentence I have never typed before; I hope never to type it again. |
| Oh God, this was such a strange experience – a man from the actual Guinness World Records stands in the room with you, dressed in his natty blue uniform like a character from Trumpton as you try to give him something new. As you try to do something so ridiculous – in my case, move some piles of toilet rolls into one big tower of rolls that must not fall, so that he can take it back to his organisation, to his big book, as news. (And so he can give you the framed certificate that he has already written your name on and hidden in his bag.) This man, your gentle yet cruel master, quickly becomes the person you want to please most in the world. (Is it Stockholm syndrome?) My scabby limbs tried their best. | Oh God, this was such a strange experience – a man from the actual Guinness World Records stands in the room with you, dressed in his natty blue uniform like a character from Trumpton as you try to give him something new. As you try to do something so ridiculous – in my case, move some piles of toilet rolls into one big tower of rolls that must not fall, so that he can take it back to his organisation, to his big book, as news. (And so he can give you the framed certificate that he has already written your name on and hidden in his bag.) This man, your gentle yet cruel master, quickly becomes the person you want to please most in the world. (Is it Stockholm syndrome?) My scabby limbs tried their best. |
| Of course there are strategies for winning things like this, for the way you build your piles, the way you move your arm, the science and precision of it all. There are people who devote all their time to perfecting such arts. I do not like these people. What I do like is that my tower, though it came in at a paltry 12 loo rolls, did not fall down. Soft, strong and not very long – that’s just how I roll. | Of course there are strategies for winning things like this, for the way you build your piles, the way you move your arm, the science and precision of it all. There are people who devote all their time to perfecting such arts. I do not like these people. What I do like is that my tower, though it came in at a paltry 12 loo rolls, did not fall down. Soft, strong and not very long – that’s just how I roll. |
| Name: Hannah Jane Parkinson | Name: Hannah Jane Parkinson |
| Challenge: popping 38 party poppers in 30 seconds | Challenge: popping 38 party poppers in 30 seconds |
| Imagine, at parties: “And what do you do?” “Oh, I break world records, and in my spare time I write for the Guardian.” I don’t want to brag but I’ve won some things: football trophies, a pub quiz in a dingy Oxford bar, once. This was going to be a doddle. | Imagine, at parties: “And what do you do?” “Oh, I break world records, and in my spare time I write for the Guardian.” I don’t want to brag but I’ve won some things: football trophies, a pub quiz in a dingy Oxford bar, once. This was going to be a doddle. |
| I had to pop the most party poppers in 30 seconds. The first wobble in confidence came when I did a practice run the night before. I managed 16. The record stood at 38. My neighbours banged on the door to ask what was happening, and why was I weeping? Next, I was told the person who held my record also held the most records in the world. “Technique” was mentioned. | I had to pop the most party poppers in 30 seconds. The first wobble in confidence came when I did a practice run the night before. I managed 16. The record stood at 38. My neighbours banged on the door to ask what was happening, and why was I weeping? Next, I was told the person who held my record also held the most records in the world. “Technique” was mentioned. |
| A row of poppers was laid out before me on a table, like miniature pots of paint. I was joined by Marco Frigatti, the adjudicator. Rhik, Sophie and I asked each other whether we had practised, all vehemently denying that we had; kids before exams. Frigatti had a little clicker, à la that 2006 Lynx advert. I popped, I screamed, I sweated. Coloured string fell about me. I got 19. Actually I got 20, but Marco said the last one didn’t count as it wasn’t in time. “Um, isn’t this like in football where if even a bit of the ball is over the line it counts?” No, Marco said, it wasn’t. | A row of poppers was laid out before me on a table, like miniature pots of paint. I was joined by Marco Frigatti, the adjudicator. Rhik, Sophie and I asked each other whether we had practised, all vehemently denying that we had; kids before exams. Frigatti had a little clicker, à la that 2006 Lynx advert. I popped, I screamed, I sweated. Coloured string fell about me. I got 19. Actually I got 20, but Marco said the last one didn’t count as it wasn’t in time. “Um, isn’t this like in football where if even a bit of the ball is over the line it counts?” No, Marco said, it wasn’t. |
| The worst part of failing was spying the pre-prepared framed certificate I would have received had I succeeded. Marco told me they shred the unused certificates because people had been rummaging through their bins. | The worst part of failing was spying the pre-prepared framed certificate I would have received had I succeeded. Marco told me they shred the unused certificates because people had been rummaging through their bins. |
| What can I tell you about attempting to break a record? I know that after my failed attempt, I wanted to try again. It was exhilarating. I wanted Sophie and Rhik to break their records – less so Rhik, as he’s a good friend and I didn’t want him to lord it over me. But I wouldn’t have to worry about that, right? | What can I tell you about attempting to break a record? I know that after my failed attempt, I wanted to try again. It was exhilarating. I wanted Sophie and Rhik to break their records – less so Rhik, as he’s a good friend and I didn’t want him to lord it over me. But I wouldn’t have to worry about that, right? |