Lots of people are getting pet funerals. Don’t, it’s a rip-off

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/sep/14/pet-funerals-rip-off-money

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Funerals have been in the news lately – and why shouldn’t they be? After all, we’re all going to die. (Sorry to break the bad news to you on a Monday). Last week, for example, we were introduced to the unlikely phrase “destination funerals” as research showed that people were increasingly opting for an alternative, exciting and “less sombre” exit from this mortal coil. Leaving aside this questionable trend of pretending an occasion is happy when it is actually really, really sad, today we have been greeted with the information that rising numbers of animal lovers are shelling out thousands of pounds on extravagant send–offs for their pets. Including a cremation service for a goldfish.

Would an elaborate funeral have eased my pain when my beloved cat Cyril died? I doubt it

Yes, you read that right. The research, by marketing company Mintel, found that a quarter of pet owners have either organised funerals for their animals or would consider doing so. Apparently, more than 50 crematoriums and cemeteries in Britain already offer pet funerals, complete with tombstones, custom-made coffins and religious blessings, and some of Britain’s bigger funeral parlours already carry out up to 10,000 services for animals a year.

While there is no doubt that pets – even goldfish I suppose – are loved, and that their deaths can be incredibly heartbreaking, the idea of organising an elaborate funeral for a furry friend strikes me as somewhat over the top. And perhaps not very British. It comes as no surprise to me that this trend originates in America, where pet funerals are a booming business – according to newspaper reports, about 500,000 pets in the USA were given funerals in 2013.

There is the distasteful fact, I feel, that organising elaborate animal rites is an excellent way for the funeral industry to make a lot of money at the expense of the bereaved. And secondly, why overcomplicate things? The tradition of putting poor Fluffy in a cardboard box and burying him in the back garden, perhaps saying a few words about what a great hamster he was, before heading back indoors for a stiff drink and a quiet cry strikes me as perfectly adequate. I’m not saying it’s perfect, though.

My beloved cat Cyril died unexpectedly some years ago. This was traumatising enough, but not as upsetting as the Tube journey I took home with her body – which the staff at the vets had thoughtfully and carefully placed in a black plastic bin liner for me. Having already spent thousands of pounds on her medical care (to no avail, obviously) I declined to spend a further large amount of money – £300 as I recall – for her to be cremated at the vets. The staff clearly saw no further need to soften the blow, so they handed over my beautiful girl in said bin bag and I cried all the way home, partly at the indignity. I buried her in the garden and it was all utterly awful.

Would an elaborate funeral have eased my pain? A tiny cat-sized coffin, a cremation ceremony, a heartfelt blessing and then perhaps a life-like statue of her, placed in a memorial pet garden, which I could visit whenever I felt the need? I doubt it very much. In fact, I would have felt like a bit of a numpty arranging all that for a cat, fantastic though she was. And it certainly wouldn’t have eased my financial pain.

Related: How do you know your cat loves you? Let me count 25 ways | Fay Schopen

Some of the details about pet funerals make fascinating reading, however. Both chef Rick Stein and musician Andrew Ridgeley have had their dogs cremated, it turns out, and the same star-studded pet crematorium, in Penzance, has 350 horses buried in its orchard, some alongside their owners. As for that goldfish cremation, the owner of Pet Funeral Services in Holywell (incidentally, a visit to this cemetery has been voted a “top family day out” in Flintshire) revealed that he put the little fella in a “tiny casket” normally used for budgies, mice and other small creatures. “It was a bit big but his owners were very happy with it,” he told the Sunday Times. Fair enough I suppose. Strange though it may seem, it’s probably a better reaction than that of the neighbour of a friend of mine who lives in Paris. His cat died, and apparently he decided that shoving its body down the apartment’s communal rubbish shoot was the no-fuss, no-frills way to deal with the tragedy. It was the height of summer and the body got stuck. You can imagine the rest.