Grayling gags buried alive – or simply missed

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/sep/17/grayling-gags-buried-alive-or-simply-missed

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Parliament frequently throws up its own horrors of misdirection, truths half-told and selective memory. But it’s frequently in the downtime between the big set pieces that the dystopian nature of Westminster’s parallel universe is mercilessly unveiled, when the gap between fantasy and reality is revealed as a chasm.

The leader of the House, Chris Grayling, clearly regards himself as a “hail fellow well met” sort; an amusing raconteur with whom anyone would count themselves lucky to get stuck in a lift for an hour or two; his delusion is such that he would almost certainly regard any fatalities in that time as attributable to oxygen debt rather than self-inflicted through boredom. There is no gag he can’t kill stone dead and his comic timing is out by days rather than seconds.

“In answer to Graham’s question about whether I like salt and vinegar on my chips,” he said chirpily. “Actually I like mushy peas and gravy.” A flicker of confusion crossed his face when no one else in the Commons responded to his top banter. His failure to appreciate that a lame gag about the previous day’s prime minister’s questions wouldn’t have even been funny 24 hours earlier bordered on tragedy.

Someone in the Tory party should probably have a word with Grayling to let him know that the most important requirement of any joke is that it should be funny. But Labour’s Chris Bryant certainly won’t be complaining if no one does. After Angela Eagle’s well-deserved elevation to shadow business secretary, Bryant has inherited her old job as shadow leader, which means he gets a full half-hour every week to tease Grayling.

Eagle was so good at it that half the time Grayling had no idea she was making fun of him. Bryant has a way to go before his stiletto becomes that sharp but there’s every sign he might become a quick learner. He began well by making a joke at his own expense – a form of verbal exchange so far beyond Grayling’s comprehension it was guaranteed to raise his anxiety levels.

“It has been rumoured that I turned down the job of shadow defence secretary because I wanted this country to invade Russia,” Bryant said. “I can assure the House that I have absolutely no intention, either in that job or this job, of invading Russia. In fact, the way things are going I do not suppose we would be able to invade Alderney.” Then Bryant became more focused and added: “Besides, I could not honestly think of a better job than this one.”

This had more than the ring of truth, as there is no easier shadow government job than going head to head with Grayling every Thursday morning. Shooting fish in a barrel. Bryant then offered to go on a bonding holiday with the leader of the House at a B&B that welcomed same-sex couples (Grayling tried and failed to look entirely comfortable at this suggestion), demanded more debating time for the government’s legislation, and then invited his opponent to smile a little. A smile has seldom looked so wan.

Grayling’s torture only ended with the intervention of the SNP’s Pete Wishart, who wanted to know why parliament was taking a week recess for the Lib Dem conference the following week when that party only had eight MPs.

As none of the glorious eight were in the chamber, Grayling could only shrug. Let’s be generous, though. Perhaps they had all left early for Bournemouth to take advantage of the super-saver train fare. Every little helps when your party is that small. Besides, it’s always best to book early to ensure you don’t miss the disappointment.