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Britain Stronger in Europe: scary, risky… and that's just the acronym Britain Stronger in Europe: scary, risky… and that's just the acronym
(about 3 hours later)
June Sarpong, the coolest Blue Peter presenter never to have presented Blue Peter, bounced on to the makeshift stage. “We need the efficiency of the Germans,” she enthused, neatly overlooking the efficiency with which VW fiddled its diesel emissions. “We need the pragmatism of the Finns and the innovation of the Swedes.”June Sarpong, the coolest Blue Peter presenter never to have presented Blue Peter, bounced on to the makeshift stage. “We need the efficiency of the Germans,” she enthused, neatly overlooking the efficiency with which VW fiddled its diesel emissions. “We need the pragmatism of the Finns and the innovation of the Swedes.”
Choosing to launch the Britain Stronger in Europe campaign with a list of national stereotypes was about as bright as calling yourself something that will inevitably be shortened to BSE. Only Europe with Britain Organising most of its Legal Affairs (EBOLA) could have been more of a car crash. Not that stereotypes don’t have their uses: only the British passion for hypothermia could have made an unheated, old warehouse in the heart of London’s hipsterland seem like the ideal venue for the launch.Choosing to launch the Britain Stronger in Europe campaign with a list of national stereotypes was about as bright as calling yourself something that will inevitably be shortened to BSE. Only Europe with Britain Organising most of its Legal Affairs (EBOLA) could have been more of a car crash. Not that stereotypes don’t have their uses: only the British passion for hypothermia could have made an unheated, old warehouse in the heart of London’s hipsterland seem like the ideal venue for the launch.
The temperature dropped still further with the arrival of Stuart Rose, the businessman and Tory peer who is fronting BSE. Rose may be best known for having run some of Britain’s best-known retail brands, but his management style is clearly old school. He looks not unlike Philip Hammond; only with none of the charisma. Given the sheer tedium of a speech by the foreign secretary – audiences have been known to phone Dignitas during some of his longer performances – this is some achievement. If not one to which many may aspire.The temperature dropped still further with the arrival of Stuart Rose, the businessman and Tory peer who is fronting BSE. Rose may be best known for having run some of Britain’s best-known retail brands, but his management style is clearly old school. He looks not unlike Philip Hammond; only with none of the charisma. Given the sheer tedium of a speech by the foreign secretary – audiences have been known to phone Dignitas during some of his longer performances – this is some achievement. If not one to which many may aspire.
“Stronger together, together stronger, safer together, together safer,” he mumbled in a tired monotone. Everyone did briefly perk up when Rose claimed that staying in the EU was worth £480m to every single individual in Britain, but not even that little windfall could sustain people’s attention. On he went. “Leap in the dark, risky, scary, risky, scary, leap in the dark.” An autocue with ‘Strong Message Here’ could be useful at later events. “Stronger together, together stronger, safer together, together safer,” he mumbled in a tired monotone. Everyone did briefly perk up when Rose claimed that staying in the EU was worth £480m to every single individual in Britain, but not even that little windfall could sustain people’s attention. On he went. “Leap in the dark, risky, scary, risky, scary, leap in the dark.” An autocue with “Strong Message Here” could be useful at later events.
Related: Stuart Rose to launch EU campaign saying true patriots are not inward-lookingRelated: Stuart Rose to launch EU campaign saying true patriots are not inward-looking
“Well that was pretty compelling,” said Sarpong, when Rose finally nodded off himself. She must have been watching on a different channel. “I’m now going to introduce five other members of the BSE campaign who all think Britain leaving the EU would be a really bad idea to have an exciting and informed debate about why Britain Leaving the EU would be a really bad idea. First, Karren Brady.”“Well that was pretty compelling,” said Sarpong, when Rose finally nodded off himself. She must have been watching on a different channel. “I’m now going to introduce five other members of the BSE campaign who all think Britain leaving the EU would be a really bad idea to have an exciting and informed debate about why Britain Leaving the EU would be a really bad idea. First, Karren Brady.”
Or Lady Brady as she now prefers to be named after David Cameron inexplicably chose to award her a peerage for her services to West Ham and the sex industry. Any campaign relying on Lady B as a founder member is in trouble. “We’re in the EU,” she observed. “Are there any alternatives?”Or Lady Brady as she now prefers to be named after David Cameron inexplicably chose to award her a peerage for her services to West Ham and the sex industry. Any campaign relying on Lady B as a founder member is in trouble. “We’re in the EU,” she observed. “Are there any alternatives?”
“So what you’re actually saying,” Sarpong interrupted, “is that it’s way too dangerous to leave the EU.” Lady B agreed, pleased to have found someone who appreciated her level of analysis.“So what you’re actually saying,” Sarpong interrupted, “is that it’s way too dangerous to leave the EU.” Lady B agreed, pleased to have found someone who appreciated her level of analysis.
“We are now going to talk to Darcy Levison, our official young person,” Sarpong said. Patronising didn’t begin to cover it. The official young person acquitted herself reasonably well, before Sarpong moved on to Stephanie Flanders, the BBC’s former economic editor and the only member of the panel close to showing connecting synapses. “The thing is,” she said. “No one really knows what a yes or no vote would mean for Britain.” “We are now going to talk to Darcy Levison, our official young person,” Sarpong said. Patronising didn’t begin to cover it. The official young person acquitted herself reasonably well, before Sarpong moved on to Stephanie Flanders, the BBC’s former economics editor and the only member of the panel close to showing connecting synapses. “The thing is,” she said. “No one really knows what a yes or no vote would mean for Britain.”
Sarpong quickly switched to Richard Reed, the founder of Innocent Drinks, who loves the EU so much he sold 90% of his company to Coca-Cola. “I was in Helsinki airport recently,” Sarpong chirped. “And there were Innocent drinks on sale everywhere.” Reed purred.Sarpong quickly switched to Richard Reed, the founder of Innocent Drinks, who loves the EU so much he sold 90% of his company to Coca-Cola. “I was in Helsinki airport recently,” Sarpong chirped. “And there were Innocent drinks on sale everywhere.” Reed purred.
Finally, Sarpong turned to Sir Hugh Orde, whose role was to let us know that Britain would be a haven for criminals if Britain left the EU. “I know you don’t want to scare us,” said Sarpong, “but could you just scare us a little bit more?” Orde was delighted to oblige. “Every villain in the EU will be coming to the UK.”Finally, Sarpong turned to Sir Hugh Orde, whose role was to let us know that Britain would be a haven for criminals if Britain left the EU. “I know you don’t want to scare us,” said Sarpong, “but could you just scare us a little bit more?” Orde was delighted to oblige. “Every villain in the EU will be coming to the UK.”
“Well we’ve just got time for a photocall,” Sarpong said, deeply apologetic that there could be no questions from the press or audience. Caroline Lucas and the former TUC general secretary Brendan Barber joined the line-up. Had they actually been allowed to talk, the standard of debate would have been significantly increased. Perhaps they spotted the danger and decided to save themselves for another day.“Well we’ve just got time for a photocall,” Sarpong said, deeply apologetic that there could be no questions from the press or audience. Caroline Lucas and the former TUC general secretary Brendan Barber joined the line-up. Had they actually been allowed to talk, the standard of debate would have been significantly increased. Perhaps they spotted the danger and decided to save themselves for another day.
At a later briefing, Will Straw, BSE’s executive director, tried to give a few more of the details that had gone awol from the launch. “We can’t say for sure three million jobs would be lost,” he said. “But no one can prove they wouldn’t. You have to think of the EU like a gym. It’s not just about what you put in, it’s what you get out that matters.” Given that gyms make most cash from members who almost never turn up, this was a dangerous analogy. Though EU Active would have been a lot better as a name than BSE.At a later briefing, Will Straw, BSE’s executive director, tried to give a few more of the details that had gone awol from the launch. “We can’t say for sure three million jobs would be lost,” he said. “But no one can prove they wouldn’t. You have to think of the EU like a gym. It’s not just about what you put in, it’s what you get out that matters.” Given that gyms make most cash from members who almost never turn up, this was a dangerous analogy. Though EU Active would have been a lot better as a name than BSE.