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| David Cameron on the EU: sobbing, whimpering and not that much else | David Cameron on the EU: sobbing, whimpering and not that much else |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| The seating plan could have been better. Chris Grayling is one of the six cabinet ministers keen to be allowed to campaign for Britain to leave the EU, and it was his bad luck to find himself sitting next to David Cameron for the prime minister’s statement on last week’s EU council meeting. The prime minister didn’t seem too thrilled to find the leader of the house leaning against his right shoulder, either. The pair managed a full hour without saying a word to one another. Or looking at each other. | The seating plan could have been better. Chris Grayling is one of the six cabinet ministers keen to be allowed to campaign for Britain to leave the EU, and it was his bad luck to find himself sitting next to David Cameron for the prime minister’s statement on last week’s EU council meeting. The prime minister didn’t seem too thrilled to find the leader of the house leaning against his right shoulder, either. The pair managed a full hour without saying a word to one another. Or looking at each other. |
| As it happened, Cameron didn’t have very much to report. He’d managed to avoid having to attend most of the discussions on the Syrian refugee crisis as Britain had never signed up to the Schengen agreement and was thus free to take as many – or as few – Syrian refugees as it wanted. He did have it on good authority, though, that everyone in the EU thought Britain was doing more than its fair share for Syria and was in awe of the prime minister’s vast depths of compassion. Either, one of Dave’s special advisers had mistranslated one of Angela Merkel’s tweets, or the German chancellor has a much better sense of humour than she is usually credited with. | As it happened, Cameron didn’t have very much to report. He’d managed to avoid having to attend most of the discussions on the Syrian refugee crisis as Britain had never signed up to the Schengen agreement and was thus free to take as many – or as few – Syrian refugees as it wanted. He did have it on good authority, though, that everyone in the EU thought Britain was doing more than its fair share for Syria and was in awe of the prime minister’s vast depths of compassion. Either, one of Dave’s special advisers had mistranslated one of Angela Merkel’s tweets, or the German chancellor has a much better sense of humour than she is usually credited with. |
| Dave sobbed as he reiterated his commitment to take 20,000 Syrian refugees over the course of this parliament. Germany might be taking 8,000 refugees a day and the bishops might have been moaning that Britain should up its game, but Dave wanted to make sure that the refugees Britain took were offered nothing but the very best. “We will be taking 1,000 Syrians in time for Christmas,” he said, all of whom would receive a Fortnum & Mason’s hamper as a welcome pack on arrival. “We should never forget those wise words of the RSPCA,” he whimpered, his puggy eyes welling up. “A Syrian refugee isn’t just for Christmas. It’s for life.” | |
| The prime minister had even less to add to the content of his ongoing renegotiations of Britain’s membership of the EU, though he took rather longer to say it. “Everything is absolutely racing ahead,” he suggested, “and once the negotiations are complete, I will come to the House of Commons to announce just what the terms of those negotiations were and how I have forced the EU into an embarrassing climbdown. Let me make it plain, though. There are four main areas of discussion. The first is where everything stays exactly the same; the second is where everything stays basically the same; the third is where almost everything stays the same and the fourth is where almost everything stays almost exactly the same.” | The prime minister had even less to add to the content of his ongoing renegotiations of Britain’s membership of the EU, though he took rather longer to say it. “Everything is absolutely racing ahead,” he suggested, “and once the negotiations are complete, I will come to the House of Commons to announce just what the terms of those negotiations were and how I have forced the EU into an embarrassing climbdown. Let me make it plain, though. There are four main areas of discussion. The first is where everything stays exactly the same; the second is where everything stays basically the same; the third is where almost everything stays the same and the fourth is where almost everything stays almost exactly the same.” |
| If Dave was slightly unsettled by Jeremy Corbyn’s minor makeover – his beard appears to have been treated to an Islington hipster trim at the weekend – he was completely nonplussed by the Labour leader’s response to his speech. Corbyn’s reply was almost twice as long as Cameron’s original statement and largely unintelligible, owing to his decision to read it at twice the speed of sound. Bizarrely, amid the inevitable sonic booms, he still found time for hesitation, deviation and repetition. | |
| Fortunately for Dave, he doesn’t really have to listen to Corbyn on Europe as all his most dangerous enemies are on his own benches. A few warning blows were landed from Eurosceptics Jacob Rees-Mogg, Bill Cash and Peter Bone but most troublemakers chose to keep their powder dry. This is a subject that will run and run. Not that the country may have that much fire power anyway, if junior defence minister Philip Dunne is to be believed. | Fortunately for Dave, he doesn’t really have to listen to Corbyn on Europe as all his most dangerous enemies are on his own benches. A few warning blows were landed from Eurosceptics Jacob Rees-Mogg, Bill Cash and Peter Bone but most troublemakers chose to keep their powder dry. This is a subject that will run and run. Not that the country may have that much fire power anyway, if junior defence minister Philip Dunne is to be believed. |
| During an earlier session he had gone out of his way to explain that just because Britain included some museum pieces in its “Defence Snapshot” review it didn’t mean they should be considered to be frontline weaponry. When China’s president, Xi Jinping, is given a 41-gun salute welcome on Tuesday, Dave should maybe point out that Britain does also still have a few Spitfires. | During an earlier session he had gone out of his way to explain that just because Britain included some museum pieces in its “Defence Snapshot” review it didn’t mean they should be considered to be frontline weaponry. When China’s president, Xi Jinping, is given a 41-gun salute welcome on Tuesday, Dave should maybe point out that Britain does also still have a few Spitfires. |
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