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Matchsticks or Mogodon required at the CBI's annual business snore-in Matchsticks or Mogadon required at the CBI's annual business snore-in
(35 minutes later)
There’s slumming it and then there’s slumming it. For the Confederation of British Industry, Grosvenor House on London’s Park Lane is very much at the lower end of its members’ expectations for their conference jolly.There’s slumming it and then there’s slumming it. For the Confederation of British Industry, Grosvenor House on London’s Park Lane is very much at the lower end of its members’ expectations for their conference jolly.
“This place was used as a bomb shelter in the second world war,” John Cridland, the CBI’s director-general explained apologetically. “And there were people employed to wake up anyone who was snoring too loudly.” It’s a job for which there are still vacancies, if only for the day. “I want to turn Brattan from startup Brattan to score-up Brattan,” he declared. On Cridland’s watch, Grosvenor House could be a needle exchange by this time next year. “This place was used as a bomb shelter in the second world war,” John Cridland, the CBI’s director general, explained apologetically. “And there were people employed to wake up anyone who was snoring too loudly.” It’s a job for which there are still vacancies, if only for the day. “I want to turn Brattan from startup Brattan to score-up Brattan,” he declared. On Cridland’s watch, Grosvenor House could be a needle exchange by this time next year.
It’s not often that David Cameron finds himself in a room where everyone else is much richer than him, but Dave tried not to let that get to him during his annual “we’re not really all in this together” big business charm offensive.It’s not often that David Cameron finds himself in a room where everyone else is much richer than him, but Dave tried not to let that get to him during his annual “we’re not really all in this together” big business charm offensive.
Having established that the theme of the conference was global ambition, Dave began by insisting his global ambitions were just as big as theirs. “Last week I met the Chinese president and this week I shall be meeting the Indian prime minister,” he said, carelessly omitting his one-to-ones with Egypt’s President Sisi. “Britain is sixth out of … out of … ” he continued. Realising he had lost his place he just decided to ad lib. “Everywhere. Everywhere in the world.” Having established that the theme of the conference was global ambition, Dave began by insisting his global ambitions were just as big as theirs. “Last week I met the Chinese president and this week I shall be meeting the Indian prime minister,” he said, carelessly omitting his one-to-ones with Egypt’s President Sisi. “Britain is sixth out of … out of … ” he continued. Realising he had lost his place, he just decided to ad lib. “Everywhere. Everywhere in the world.”
Dave’s autopilot was briefly interrupted by a couple of hecklers, who had blagged their way into the conference to protest at the CBI’s enthusiasm for the EU by forming a company whose sole purpose was to join the CBI. Rather than applauding their enterprise, most members reacted to this very British, well-mannered protest as if it was the 1917 Russian revolution. It was just as well Dave was on hand to restore law and order. Dave’s autopilot was briefly interrupted by a couple of hecklers who had blagged their way into the conference to protest at the CBI’s enthusiasm for the EU by forming a company whose sole purpose was to join the CBI. Rather than applauding their enterprise, most members reacted to this very British, well-mannered protest as if it was the 1917 Russian revolution. It was just as well Dave was on hand to restore law and order.
“Ah, yes, Europe,” he said. “I was going to get round to that. Let me tell you this. Although I very much want to stay in Europe, I am not going to let myself be pushed around by anyone except those in my own party. Which is why I am going to write a very stern letter to Europe in which I will lay out my firm demands for change which are entirely flexible, depending on what I can get away with. There will be no duff arguments, oh no.”“Ah, yes, Europe,” he said. “I was going to get round to that. Let me tell you this. Although I very much want to stay in Europe, I am not going to let myself be pushed around by anyone except those in my own party. Which is why I am going to write a very stern letter to Europe in which I will lay out my firm demands for change which are entirely flexible, depending on what I can get away with. There will be no duff arguments, oh no.”
With a final word of regret that UK plc wasn’t corrupt enough to win more global contracts, Dave handed over to Enda Kenny, the Irish taoiseach. Kenny spoke like a man possessed. A man possessed by a Joycean stream of consciousness on the nature of futility, his own and that of his audience. “I’d like to thank Peter for this opportunity to address you,” he said. He meant Paul Drechsler, the CBI’s president. Fly away Peter, fly away Paul. If only the time had done so as quickly. With a final word of regret that UK plc wasn’t corrupt enough to win more global contracts, Dave handed over to Enda Kenny, the Irish taoiseach. Kenny spoke like a man possessed. A man possessed by a Joycean stream of consciousness on the nature of futility – his own and that of his audience. “I’d like to thank Peter for this opportunity to address you,” he said. He meant Paul Drechsler, the CBI’s president. Fly away Peter, fly away Paul. If only the time had done so as quickly.
Quite what the point of the next hour was escaped everyone, apart from Newsnight’s Evan Davis, who had presumably picked up a hefty fee for asking tame questions to various captains of industry. “Will you tell me why you are so brilliant?” he asked Jo Bertram, Uber’s regional general manager. Jo demonstrated her brilliance by referring to the “60 states across the USA”. Quite what was the point of the next hour escaped everyone apart from Newsnight’s Evan Davis, who presumably had picked up a hefty fee for asking tame questions to various captains of industry. “Will you tell me why you are so brilliant?” he asked Jo Bertram, Uber’s regional general manager. Jo demonstrated her brilliance by referring to the “60 states across the USA”.
Evan also managed to get through interviews with Jayne-Anne Gadhia of Virgin Money without asking about her time working with Fred the Shred at RBS; Christopher North, Amazon UK’s managing-director, without bringing up the company’s tax bill; and Moya Greene, the Royal Mail’s chief exec, who earned a 13% pay rise to take her salary up to £1.5m, without referring to the sacking of 5,500 employees. “Everyone at the Royal Mail comes into work with a lilt in their gait,” she insisted. Apart from the ones who no longer have a job. Evan checked his watch. Kerching! He was out of time. And credibility. Evan also managed to get through interviews with Jayne-Anne Gadhia, of Virgin Money, without asking about her time working with Fred the Shred at RBS; Christopher North, Amazon UK’s managing director, without bringing up the company’s tax bill; and Moya Greene, the Royal Mail’s chief exec, who earned a 13% pay rise to take her salary up to £1.5m, without referring to the sacking of 5,500 employees. “Everyone at the Royal Mail comes into work with a lilt in their gait,” she insisted. Apart from the ones who no longer have a job. Evan checked his watch. Kerching! He was out of time. And credibility.
That left Peter Paul Peter Paul to thank everyone for a great morning. “I am delighted that 84 new businesses have joined the CBI since I became president,” he said. A pained look crossed his face. As of today, that figure would have to be revised down by one. “And now it’s time for some networking.” In CBI speak, networking equals lunch.That left Peter Paul Peter Paul to thank everyone for a great morning. “I am delighted that 84 new businesses have joined the CBI since I became president,” he said. A pained look crossed his face. As of today, that figure would have to be revised down by one. “And now it’s time for some networking.” In CBI speak, networking equals lunch.