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| Antidepressants get a bad rap – but they saved my life | Antidepressants get a bad rap – but they saved my life |
| (6 months later) | |
| I think of it as the warm chord. I was sitting in the front room, alone. My parents had gone to bed, but I wanted to listen to a CD I’d bought. I turned the light out, to immerse myself. That in itself was strange. When you’re anxious, immersing yourself in a feeling seems like a bad idea – your skin is so thin anything might penetrate it and overwhelm you, a song or a smell or a mood. But I took the risk, and instead of fear – the heartbeat stoking, paralysing fear I’d experienced for much of the past year – there was something else. Fear had left a space, one I was invited to explore. It said: you can come out now. | I think of it as the warm chord. I was sitting in the front room, alone. My parents had gone to bed, but I wanted to listen to a CD I’d bought. I turned the light out, to immerse myself. That in itself was strange. When you’re anxious, immersing yourself in a feeling seems like a bad idea – your skin is so thin anything might penetrate it and overwhelm you, a song or a smell or a mood. But I took the risk, and instead of fear – the heartbeat stoking, paralysing fear I’d experienced for much of the past year – there was something else. Fear had left a space, one I was invited to explore. It said: you can come out now. |
| But alongside that, there was a positive presence, a low thrum of safety. A warm chord. Nothing to do with the music; it was more elemental than that. I sat and the world turned, but without the familiar promise of danger. A stillness settled over everything. I no longer had to hold all of existence in my hands, as if super-human vigilance could protect me from harm. | But alongside that, there was a positive presence, a low thrum of safety. A warm chord. Nothing to do with the music; it was more elemental than that. I sat and the world turned, but without the familiar promise of danger. A stillness settled over everything. I no longer had to hold all of existence in my hands, as if super-human vigilance could protect me from harm. |
| Related: Parents – talk to your kids about mental health. Even if it's awkward | Hannah Jane Parkinson | Related: Parents – talk to your kids about mental health. Even if it's awkward | Hannah Jane Parkinson |
| I had been taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant for about two weeks. I was scared of those pills: I’d read that they might make me feel nauseous, and a fear of nausea was one of the most dogged symptoms of my anxiety. The nausea did come, after a day or two, but it was accompanied by a sense of resignation. If I puked up, well, fine. I would yawn, and a beat later, my stomach would swoop. But what’s the worst that can happen? I was still anxious – of course I was – that the medication wouldn’t work; that I would be locked in this state forever, which would be literally intolerable. It had to work. | I had been taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant for about two weeks. I was scared of those pills: I’d read that they might make me feel nauseous, and a fear of nausea was one of the most dogged symptoms of my anxiety. The nausea did come, after a day or two, but it was accompanied by a sense of resignation. If I puked up, well, fine. I would yawn, and a beat later, my stomach would swoop. But what’s the worst that can happen? I was still anxious – of course I was – that the medication wouldn’t work; that I would be locked in this state forever, which would be literally intolerable. It had to work. |
| There were some early good omens. I suddenly found I could eat. I wanted to eat. I went into a bakery and bought a slice of millionaire’s shortbread. Nervousness has a chilling effect on my stomach, and every meal for the past 12 months had to be quickly bundled past the sentinels of my anxiety. Get it down, before you think about something that will make you feel sick. I lost weight. Later I found a photograph of me at the time, smiling a false smile on the edge of a group of friends. My gauntness leapt out. How come no one noticed? | |
| Well, I did a good job of concealing it. An amazing job. My twin preoccupations at that time were the focuses of my worry (too complicated and too boring, in fact, to go into here), and keeping anyone from realising that I was worried. Sorry, terrified. Obsessed, tormented. Not that I want to get dramatic about it. But anxiety is the art of making a drama out of what other people barely give a second thought to. Oh, that’s annoying, upsetting even, but not the end of the world, surely? No: it really feels like it might be the end of the world. My world, at any rate. | Well, I did a good job of concealing it. An amazing job. My twin preoccupations at that time were the focuses of my worry (too complicated and too boring, in fact, to go into here), and keeping anyone from realising that I was worried. Sorry, terrified. Obsessed, tormented. Not that I want to get dramatic about it. But anxiety is the art of making a drama out of what other people barely give a second thought to. Oh, that’s annoying, upsetting even, but not the end of the world, surely? No: it really feels like it might be the end of the world. My world, at any rate. |
| A doctor had warned me (and my mum – I was just 18) that we ought to be cautious before doing anything that would “alter the biochemistry”. He was talking about antidepressants and my brain. So he prescribed me propranolol, a drug that simply dampens the effects of adrenaline, to take in the run-up to my exams. That helped, sort of. It removed the sucker punch that hit me whenever I imagined myself in that situation – in the hall, throwing up from nerves, flunking and probably missing my place at university as a result. But it didn’t calm me down. I still felt I was doomed. | A doctor had warned me (and my mum – I was just 18) that we ought to be cautious before doing anything that would “alter the biochemistry”. He was talking about antidepressants and my brain. So he prescribed me propranolol, a drug that simply dampens the effects of adrenaline, to take in the run-up to my exams. That helped, sort of. It removed the sucker punch that hit me whenever I imagined myself in that situation – in the hall, throwing up from nerves, flunking and probably missing my place at university as a result. But it didn’t calm me down. I still felt I was doomed. |
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| After my exams finished, the sense of doom failed to lift. My concern that this wasn’t just a reaction to circumstances, that it was the groove I was now stuck in, seemed justified. A winding road led us back to the doctor, and to the SSRI. I tried to comfort myself that, if it didn’t work, there were always other, stronger drugs. There was always electroconvulsive therapy. But there were signs that it might. First the fact that I didn’t care about feeling sick. Then the food. Then that night in the front room. A sense that, finally, I wasn’t being chased any more. | After my exams finished, the sense of doom failed to lift. My concern that this wasn’t just a reaction to circumstances, that it was the groove I was now stuck in, seemed justified. A winding road led us back to the doctor, and to the SSRI. I tried to comfort myself that, if it didn’t work, there were always other, stronger drugs. There was always electroconvulsive therapy. But there were signs that it might. First the fact that I didn’t care about feeling sick. Then the food. Then that night in the front room. A sense that, finally, I wasn’t being chased any more. |
| It did work. I thank God I live in an age where effective psychiatric medications exist – and you should too. I cannot credit those stories that tell us they’re barely better than placebo. My experience, and those of millions of others, is that they can work, powerfully, to restore your equilibrium, your sanity. There are side effects of course. And some illnesses are better served than others. Finding the right fit, the right dosage, may be a struggle. And your relationship with them may continue for a long time, on and off. So be it. The alternative is a world without relief, without the warm chord. It is not one I want to think about. | It did work. I thank God I live in an age where effective psychiatric medications exist – and you should too. I cannot credit those stories that tell us they’re barely better than placebo. My experience, and those of millions of others, is that they can work, powerfully, to restore your equilibrium, your sanity. There are side effects of course. And some illnesses are better served than others. Finding the right fit, the right dosage, may be a struggle. And your relationship with them may continue for a long time, on and off. So be it. The alternative is a world without relief, without the warm chord. It is not one I want to think about. |