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Christmas in a galaxy far, far away Christmas in a galaxy far, far away
(35 minutes later)
The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. “I’ve been relatively successful in giving up smoking several times,” the prime minister confided. That’s relatively successful as in relatively unsuccessful.The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. “I’ve been relatively successful in giving up smoking several times,” the prime minister confided. That’s relatively successful as in relatively unsuccessful.
Smoking tends to be a binary choice: you’re either smoking or not smoking. It was possible the prime minister was signalling a new relativism in social policy – “Congratulations on cutting down your shoplifting from five days a week to just two. Here’s a gold badge” – but it’s more likely he hadn’t given much thought to what he had actually said.Smoking tends to be a binary choice: you’re either smoking or not smoking. It was possible the prime minister was signalling a new relativism in social policy – “Congratulations on cutting down your shoplifting from five days a week to just two. Here’s a gold badge” – but it’s more likely he hadn’t given much thought to what he had actually said.
On second thoughts, scrap that first sentence. Not even the spirit was particularly willing in the last prime minister’s questions before Christmas. Jeremy Corbyn began the session half asleep and had to be nudged into action. “Merry Christmas everyone,” he said. David Cameron had also nodded off. “I’m not going to say seasons’ greetings, I’m going to wish everyone merry Christmas,” he replied before walking over to the nativity scene by the speaker’s chair and ostentatiously kissing the baby Jesus. On second thoughts, scrap that first sentence. Not even the spirit was particularly willing in the last prime minister’s questions before Christmas. Jeremy Corbyn began the session half asleep and had to be nudged into action. “Merry Christmas everyone,” he said. David Cameron had also nodded off. “I’m not going to say season’s greetings, I’m going to wish everyone merry Christmas,” he replied before walking over to the nativity scene by the speaker’s chair and ostentatiously kissing the baby Jesus.
“Actually, I did say merry Christmas,” Corbyn interrupted, himself rushing off to the nativity scene and kissing the baby Jesus and the Virgin Mary. Being seen to enjoy Christmas is now a recognised political sport, with the loser officially deemed to be a threat to the fabric of British society. In parliament, Christmas is far too serious a business to be enjoyed.“Actually, I did say merry Christmas,” Corbyn interrupted, himself rushing off to the nativity scene and kissing the baby Jesus and the Virgin Mary. Being seen to enjoy Christmas is now a recognised political sport, with the loser officially deemed to be a threat to the fabric of British society. In parliament, Christmas is far too serious a business to be enjoyed.
Once the Great British Christmas-Off was over, Corbyn turned his attention to the NHS. In particular, the potential winter NHS crisis and the lack of funding in A&E. Dave’s attention was still elsewhere. “Hospital stays have gone down from 5.5 days to 5.0 days under this government,” he recited absent-mindedly. He announced this as if it was some kind of achievement, rather than a sign hospital wards were now so full that doctors had taken to throwing anyone with a better than 50-50 chance of survival out on the street. “Anyway,” he declared petulantly, “I don’t really want to talk about hospitals and stuff. I want to talk about the unemployment figures.”Once the Great British Christmas-Off was over, Corbyn turned his attention to the NHS. In particular, the potential winter NHS crisis and the lack of funding in A&E. Dave’s attention was still elsewhere. “Hospital stays have gone down from 5.5 days to 5.0 days under this government,” he recited absent-mindedly. He announced this as if it was some kind of achievement, rather than a sign hospital wards were now so full that doctors had taken to throwing anyone with a better than 50-50 chance of survival out on the street. “Anyway,” he declared petulantly, “I don’t really want to talk about hospitals and stuff. I want to talk about the unemployment figures.”
Cameron didn’t really want to talk about them either. What he actually wanted to talk about most of all was Maj Tim Peake and the new Star Wars film. It wasn’t entirely clear if Dave knows that Maj Tim is a real person and not some character riding shotgun with Luke Skywalker. When he’s home alone watching Where Eagles Dare for the 364th time, Dave sees himself as a lone commando behind enemy lines, heroically defending the country in the face of near impossible odds. It’s one of the things about him that makes so many people nervous about our involvement in overseas military engagements. There isn’t a director to say “cut”.Cameron didn’t really want to talk about them either. What he actually wanted to talk about most of all was Maj Tim Peake and the new Star Wars film. It wasn’t entirely clear if Dave knows that Maj Tim is a real person and not some character riding shotgun with Luke Skywalker. When he’s home alone watching Where Eagles Dare for the 364th time, Dave sees himself as a lone commando behind enemy lines, heroically defending the country in the face of near impossible odds. It’s one of the things about him that makes so many people nervous about our involvement in overseas military engagements. There isn’t a director to say “cut”.
Quite the opposite. Conservative Oliver Dowden, who spent much of his time preparing Cameron for PMQs in the last parliament and was rewarded for his incompetence with a safe seat, was more than happy to indulge Dave’s fantasies. “Let’s talk a bit more about Star Wars that was made in my constituency,” he said encouragingly.Quite the opposite. Conservative Oliver Dowden, who spent much of his time preparing Cameron for PMQs in the last parliament and was rewarded for his incompetence with a safe seat, was more than happy to indulge Dave’s fantasies. “Let’s talk a bit more about Star Wars that was made in my constituency,” he said encouragingly.
“Chocks away,” Dave whooped. “Like many people I can’t wait to see the new Star Wars documentary. May the force be with me.”“Chocks away,” Dave whooped. “Like many people I can’t wait to see the new Star Wars documentary. May the force be with me.”
George Osborne tried to calm Dave down by handing him his Christmas present 10 days early. Dave tore at the wrapping paper to reveal his very own planet-destroying Death Star. “We’ve looked at other renewable energies and obviously we remain totally committed to them,” he burbled, “but the thing is that they don’t work nearly as well as nukes, turbo lasers, proton torpedos.”George Osborne tried to calm Dave down by handing him his Christmas present 10 days early. Dave tore at the wrapping paper to reveal his very own planet-destroying Death Star. “We’ve looked at other renewable energies and obviously we remain totally committed to them,” he burbled, “but the thing is that they don’t work nearly as well as nukes, turbo lasers, proton torpedos.”
Dave pulled out a lightsaber. “Over there,” he said, pointing at the Labour benches, “Is the Dark Side.” The punchline was so laboured no one even bothered to groan. Not that Dave cared. He was lost in a galaxy far, far away. Dave pulled out a lightsaber. “Over there,” he said, pointing at the Labour benches, “is the Dark Side.” The punchline was so laboured no one even bothered to groan. Not that Dave cared. He was lost in a galaxy far, far away.