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Barbecued mince pie, anyone? My top tips for a hot Christmas Barbecued mince pie, anyone? How to have a hot Christmas
(35 minutes later)
Britain looks set for the warmest Christmas on record. After eight years of festive exile in Australia, I have concluded that hot Christmas is wrong. It’s Donald Trump’s hair wrong. But, unlike his hair, it can be made right. You have to just jump feet first into it – as you would into a modified toddler’s paddling pool full of bottles of prosecco on ice. On that note .Britain looks set for the warmest Christmas on record. After eight years of festive exile in Australia, I have concluded that hot Christmas is wrong. It’s Donald Trump’s hair wrong. But, unlike his hair, it can be made right. You have to just jump feet first into it – as you would into a modified toddler’s paddling pool full of bottles of prosecco on ice. On that note .
Related: Daffodils bloom across UK during unseasonal December weatherRelated: Daffodils bloom across UK during unseasonal December weather
1. Modify a toddler’s paddling pool and fill it with bottles of prosecco on ice. Maintain this for all of December. This step alone will save you.1. Modify a toddler’s paddling pool and fill it with bottles of prosecco on ice. Maintain this for all of December. This step alone will save you.
2. Barbecue everything. Go full Heston, and experiment. Slam a mince pie on the grill, stand back, and breathe in the true smell and spirit of the season. Wrap a purple Quality Street in foil, barbecue for a minute and bingo! Goo-gasmic hazelnuts in caramel that have to be licked from the wrapper. There is nothing that can’t be barbecued – except satsumas. They don’t work. Everything else is fair game: fish, meat and confectionery.2. Barbecue everything. Go full Heston, and experiment. Slam a mince pie on the grill, stand back, and breathe in the true smell and spirit of the season. Wrap a purple Quality Street in foil, barbecue for a minute and bingo! Goo-gasmic hazelnuts in caramel that have to be licked from the wrapper. There is nothing that can’t be barbecued – except satsumas. They don’t work. Everything else is fair game: fish, meat and confectionery.
3. Embrace the true meaning of Christmas by buying cards that feature the nativity scene in the desert with lots of camels and sand. It just fits. Where did all this snow come from anyway? It hardly ever snows and certainly not in the Middle East. A hot Christmas keeps it real.3. Embrace the true meaning of Christmas by buying cards that feature the nativity scene in the desert with lots of camels and sand. It just fits. Where did all this snow come from anyway? It hardly ever snows and certainly not in the Middle East. A hot Christmas keeps it real.
4. Although saying that, SPF 50 sun cream makes both a great protector against skin cancer and a DIY type of festive frosting for outdoor areas.4. Although saying that, SPF 50 sun cream makes both a great protector against skin cancer and a DIY type of festive frosting for outdoor areas.
5. Forget board games. Retrieve swingball from the back of the garage. You don’t need rackets. Put on a cycle helmet and play it with your head. I have seen this. It should be an Olympic sport.5. Forget board games. Retrieve swingball from the back of the garage. You don’t need rackets. Put on a cycle helmet and play it with your head. I have seen this. It should be an Olympic sport.
6. Abandon the television and take the inevitable Christmas dramas into the back garden. The simmering domestic tensions that always erupt when you get together may be dull and upsetting to you but they are better than EastEnders to everyone else. While you’re out there you can watch all other people display their full range of dysfunctions and gain great comfort from the fact that all families are seriously messed up. Christmas is a great leveller.6. Abandon the television and take the inevitable Christmas dramas into the back garden. The simmering domestic tensions that always erupt when you get together may be dull and upsetting to you but they are better than EastEnders to everyone else. While you’re out there you can watch all other people display their full range of dysfunctions and gain great comfort from the fact that all families are seriously messed up. Christmas is a great leveller.
7. In good weather children can be penned outside safely in lowly cattle sheds. All that fresh air will exhaust them. They’ll be in bed by 4.30pm. Likewise exploit the heat to your advantage and position cantankerous old relatives directly in the sun post the big nosh-up. Their nap will turn into a titanic snooze. With the most challenging generations taken care of you can start on the sherry.7. In good weather children can be penned outside safely in lowly cattle sheds. All that fresh air will exhaust them. They’ll be in bed by 4.30pm. Likewise exploit the heat to your advantage and position cantankerous old relatives directly in the sun post the big nosh-up. Their nap will turn into a titanic snooze. With the most challenging generations taken care of you can start on the sherry.
8. The Christmas music playlist has to be defrosted. Many Christmas classics do not translate. Delete Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin’ Stevens (snow is not falling around us) and I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard (the snowman “does not bring the snow”). Replace with the Beach Boys’ bizarre but gratifying version of Little Saint Nick which manages to sound both festive and summery at the same time. Keep Slade: Merry Xmas Everybody yet again proves Noddy Holder’s genius. It only talks about “hoping the snow will fall” – which sums up the feelings of lots of us.8. The Christmas music playlist has to be defrosted. Many Christmas classics do not translate. Delete Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin’ Stevens (snow is not falling around us) and I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard (the snowman “does not bring the snow”). Replace with the Beach Boys’ bizarre but gratifying version of Little Saint Nick which manages to sound both festive and summery at the same time. Keep Slade: Merry Xmas Everybody yet again proves Noddy Holder’s genius. It only talks about “hoping the snow will fall” – which sums up the feelings of lots of us.
9. Christmas jumpers are easily swapped with a festive patterned singlet. Just be aware that less clothing equals less protection when a rogue sprout boiled by your granny to be hotter than the sun goes feral. And yes, do BBQ the sprouts.9. Christmas jumpers are easily swapped with a festive patterned singlet. Just be aware that less clothing equals less protection when a rogue sprout boiled by your granny to be hotter than the sun goes feral. And yes, do BBQ the sprouts.
10. Any animal looks better with antlers. If you can get Tibbles or Fido to don some fancy dress, reindeer can be easily replaced. Apparently Santa uses six white boomers to deliver the presents in Australia. Though I question this as I’ve only seen kangaroos move fast for a mate, some food or a punch-up.10. Any animal looks better with antlers. If you can get Tibbles or Fido to don some fancy dress, reindeer can be easily replaced. Apparently Santa uses six white boomers to deliver the presents in Australia. Though I question this as I’ve only seen kangaroos move fast for a mate, some food or a punch-up.
11. If all else fails, set the air conditioner to four degrees, get a blanket and slump in front of YouTube with some old Morecambe and Wise and a paper crown. I’ve done it and it’s magic.11. If all else fails, set the air conditioner to four degrees, get a blanket and slump in front of YouTube with some old Morecambe and Wise and a paper crown. I’ve done it and it’s magic.