Rejection is built into online dating. Politeness should be too

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/dec/21/rejection-online-dating-politeness-christmas

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“It’s a numbers game.” So says everyone, to everyone else, about internet dating.

Built into the system, then, is rejection and rejecting. But can there ever be a good way to send or receive the “You’re not for me” message?

Related: Lessons in life that online dating taught me | Daisy Buchanan

It helps to cast off any sense of there being a stigma to internet dating. For 20 years or so huge numbers of us have been seeking to meet in this way, and there are now more than 5,000 dating websites worldwide. Signing up can involve some uncomfortable self-promotion. But, once it’s completed, the CV aspect ceases to be a focus.

With varying degrees of buoyancy, we become one among rows of faces “new to this” or some version of “A seeking B”. Inevitably, people whom we have chosen not to approach then approach us. Generally, though, where these demand a response, a simple “I don’t think we’re compatible” is an option in the dropdown menu, and needn’t feel too personal.

A degree of thick skinnedness is a prerequisite. It can be dispiriting to receive an email notification that X has viewed your profile when there is no subsequent message from X – even when X wasn’t someone you were interested in. On the other hand, it’s possible to go from blasé to sensitive to hopeful in the space of minutes. And sometimes the mechanics of an app does the job for us. Tinder cuts to the chase (or rather cuts out the chase) by making it mutual interest or nothing.

There are, of course, stages to choosing and to meeting. Starting with the online profile, I’ll admit that claims to possess a GSOH (good sense of humour, for the uninitiated) are a deal-breaker for me. The certainty, let alone the acronym, cannot help but suggest the opposite. One online banterer stopped because of an aversion to the word “chemistry”. Luckily, we had none. There are numerous, individually perceived reasons for a no at the outset. Generally, at least, they go unvoiced.

In the event of mutual interest, stage two can be a phone call. Strangely, my experience is that this is more nerve-racking than meeting in person, and often unhelpful. Even combined, photos and voices can work on our subconscious to build entirely inaccurate pictures.

Once you’ve met in the flesh, any letting down can require more careful handling. Does (as has happened to me) the acceptance of a second glass of wine indicate a level of interest for which you are then held accountable?

We connect in the ether. More often than not, we scamper back to our screens to disconnect the same way. A personal low point was the receipt of a post-date text telling me, “On reflection, I don’t think we’re a match.” The comma and the deliberation were annihilation. I’d been weighed up, at leisure, the cons on the spreadsheet clearly outweighing any possible pros.

Related: Why do I keep meeting men who have commitment issues?

After a recent date, I would have been happy to meet again but not to create the impression of romantic interest on my part. I’d been invited to go for another drink, in a text saying how much he’d enjoyed meeting me. I wanted my reply to be honest but light. It can be a fine line. Suggesting keeping in touch “as friends” can sound coy, while “I am not sure we’re looking for the same things” is open to contradiction. I went somewhere between the two with, “Likewise. I think we probably aren’t a romantic match but it was a great evening. Am very happy to continue the conversation at any point!” His follow-up was understanding. Occasionally, of course, there is no need to say anything; the message is conveyed.

In the event you leave a first date with a clear wish to meet the person again, say so, simply. You can’t always predict the other’s feelings, but you can at least clarify yours and leave it for the other to get in touch if it’s mutual. It sounds obvious, but sometimes each waits for the other to say it.

The new year will see huge numbers of new recruits to online dating. Sometimes it simply works. Where it doesn’t, you can’t make it, but you can be kind. You can thank people for coming to meet you (often one has travelled much further than the other); you can do more than ignore a follow-up message; if you enjoyed talking, were in keen agreement or even enjoyable disagreement about something, you can say so.

Perhaps it’s a case of compliments and clarity. We can remember the compliment that is someone’s interest and, mindful of that, the clarity that says you owe it to that person and to yourself to convey the real message. But please, no GSOH.