Christmas songs: the best and the worst
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Version 0 of 1. For much of the year I am adamant that the two worst sounds in the world are (i) other people’s table manners and (ii) You and Yours. But there is always a moment in December – and for me it invariably arrives while stuck in some Dantean hell-circle of a till queue, clutching my frantically selected gifts – when the most eviscerating sound imaginable becomes the sleigh bell. Related: Behind the scenes at Hackney Empire's pantomime – in pictures The key components of Christmas songs are well-established: sleigh bells, choirs (small children or full gospel), and beneath it all, a warm, brandy glass-swill of brass. On occasion strings may be permitted. Those forced to listen to these seasonal flourishes repeatedly, day in and day out for the duration of the festive season (which now commences mid-July) can be forgiven a touch of humbuggery; shop-workers, elves, bar staff, all may reasonably start to feel their insides curdle every time they hear Noddy Holder bellow “IT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAAAAASSSS!!!” I recall working in a record store one Christmas and acquiring a violent and visceral hatred of Daniel O’Donnell’s Christmas with Daniel, which was played on a loop. For the most part, however, I find something rather lovely about Christmas music. It transforms a room far more readily than fairy lights, tinsel and several canisters worth of fake snow on the window panes. From Wizzard to Good King Wenceslas, I love that their lyrics have been set down in so many of us, like rings of oak. For me, the best Christmas songs fall into two camps. There are the overstuffed and overjoyed: think Mariah Carey hurtling through All I Want for Christmas is You, Eartha Kitt purring Santa Baby (or its sultry bedfellow, Elvis’s Santa Claus is Back in Town), and pretty much any seasonal (or even unseasonal) offering from Frank Sinatra or Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime. Rather than sounding like forced fun, such songs convey a genuine and, to my mind, irresistible glee for the festivities. And then there are those songs that leave room for a little sad vulnerability – for those alone or loveless, for those stumbling through a difficult time in their lives, or simply a quiet space for the seasonal ruminations that befall most of us. Low’s Just Like Christmas, for instance, or Darlene Love’s White Christmas, in which Love sounds like some exquisite mingling of nostalgic, melancholy and perhaps just a little over-sherried as she sets out the fundamental disappointment of spending the holiday beneath the palm trees of Los Angeles instead of somewhere snowier. There is a lot of wishin’ and hopin’ in the best Christmas songs – there even in Wizzard’s exuberant I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day as much as Elvis’s Blue Christmas or If I Get Home On Christmas Day. Similarly, under normal circumstances I’m not a tremendous fan of Chris Rea, but I have affection for Driving Home for Christmas, because it sits so prettily in that hopeful space before arrival, when the hours are filled with possibility. After all, so much of Christmas is about suspension: the suspension of belief for those who invest in the stories of Father Christmas or the nativity; the curious stretch of time in which nothing – work, school, shopping hours, train timetables – seems to run as normal, and we place old animosities, diet plans, routines on hold. It is as if for a week or so life seems to hang in mid-air. Christmas music transforms a room far more readily than fairy lights and tinsel The most disappointing Christmas songs are those that feel made for little more than a quick buck. Ronan Keating’s cover of Fairytale of New York, for example, is one of the greatest Christmas song atrocities of all time. Or the astonishingly nadir that is Cliff Richard’s Millennium Prayer, which sets the Lord’s Prayer to the tune of Auld Lang Syne, ropes in a little drummer boy beat and a full church choir to back Richard’s remarkable vocal — a sound so creepy and mannered, so half-yelped and hiccoughed, that I would not be entirely surprised if someone revealed it had in fact been sung by the dwarf from Twin Peaks. It’s a charity single, though, so let us pause here briefly to give thanks for all the money it raised for a number of children’s causes. The singles that sound hastily cobbled together to raise money for some record company are a different beast entirely. Boyz II Men’s Silent Night for instance, Bon Jovi’s Back Door Santa, or Alexandra Burke’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, a bloodless and over-produced carbuncle of a song which seemed to think itself an ecclesiastical celebration rather than one of the lustiest songs in existence. But the most wonderful Christmas songs of all are those that capture how messily beautiful life is, the great collision of it that seems so amplified by the season. This is why the Pogues’ and Kirsty McColl’s Fairytale of New York is such a masterpiece. Set against all the polished and synthetic bonhomie of the season, it staggers pie-eyed and lovelorn into view to raise a sweet and leery two fingers to festive perfection. It is a song that is sad and hopeful and homesick and happy, a marriage of frustration, familiarity and deep-rooted love, the sound of that curious moment in the year when we all seem to realise where we belong. My 10 favourite Christmas songs 1. Just Like Christmas - Low 2. Fairytale of New York – The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl 3. Sufjan Stevens – Come On! Let’s Boogey to the Elf Dance! 4. Run Rudolph Run – Chuck Berry 5. White Christmas – Darlene Love 6. Last Christmas - Wham 7. Things Fall Apart – Cristina 8. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! - Frank Sinatra 9. Jesus – The Velvet Underground 10 All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey Related: 'Everest of dentistry': Shane MacGowan gets new teeth in TV special My 10 least favourite Christmas songs 1. Fairytale of New York – Ronan Keating 2. Merry Christmas Everyone - Shakin’ Stevens 3. Millennium Prayer – Cliff Richard 4. Back Door Santa - Bon Jovi 5. Silent Night – Boyz II Men 6. Hallelujah – Alexandra Burke 7. Funky Funky Christmas – New Kids on the Block 8. 8 Days of Christmas – Destiny’s Child 9. Drummer Boy – Justin Bieber & Busta Rhymes 10. White Christmas - Michael Buble ft Shania Twain |