This article is from the source 'guardian' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.

You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/03/christmas-university-challenge-nicci-gerrard-on-team

The article has changed 2 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.

Version 0 Version 1
My starter for 10. My brain freezes… My starter for 10. My brain freezes …
(about 20 hours later)
I have a recurring dream: I’m on a ridiculously familiar stage, with an audience and television cameras, being asked questions by a quizmaster with a trademark sneer of disdain. I know the answers are somewhere in the junk room of my mind, but I can’t get to them; time is moving too slowly and then lurching forward. My hands are cumbersome and won’t move to reach the buzzer.I have a recurring dream: I’m on a ridiculously familiar stage, with an audience and television cameras, being asked questions by a quizmaster with a trademark sneer of disdain. I know the answers are somewhere in the junk room of my mind, but I can’t get to them; time is moving too slowly and then lurching forward. My hands are cumbersome and won’t move to reach the buzzer.
But wait a moment, it’s not a dream. It’s Christmas University Challenge and I really am on it, second to the left (has my head always been that small?) on team Sheffield, sitting between a man with a wild, unblinking stare and another who, as he himself says, looks like he’s been taken hostage.But wait a moment, it’s not a dream. It’s Christmas University Challenge and I really am on it, second to the left (has my head always been that small?) on team Sheffield, sitting between a man with a wild, unblinking stare and another who, as he himself says, looks like he’s been taken hostage.
When I received an email asking me if I would like to take part, I was – to put it mildly – alarmed. In our household, some of us are great at quizzes, some of us not. I’m in the not team, scrabbling round in the disorder of my crumbling memory, whole areas of knowledge blanked out under pressure. In the weeks leading up to the first round, I thought about revision. But how do you revise for something that tests a lifetime of knowledge? I looked at an old University Challenge quiz book – until someone pointed out that it only contained questions that definitely wouldn’t be asked.When I received an email asking me if I would like to take part, I was – to put it mildly – alarmed. In our household, some of us are great at quizzes, some of us not. I’m in the not team, scrabbling round in the disorder of my crumbling memory, whole areas of knowledge blanked out under pressure. In the weeks leading up to the first round, I thought about revision. But how do you revise for something that tests a lifetime of knowledge? I looked at an old University Challenge quiz book – until someone pointed out that it only contained questions that definitely wouldn’t be asked.
I woke up one night convinced that the Brontë sisters would come up (they didn’t, of course) and made sure I knew obscure facts about them. I gazed at lists of operas. I printed out the names of all the US presidents and all the 20th-century British prime ministers. Occasionally, I looked hopelessly at my periodic table mug. I importantly learn the philtrum is the groove running from nostrils to mouth.I woke up one night convinced that the Brontë sisters would come up (they didn’t, of course) and made sure I knew obscure facts about them. I gazed at lists of operas. I printed out the names of all the US presidents and all the 20th-century British prime ministers. Occasionally, I looked hopelessly at my periodic table mug. I importantly learn the philtrum is the groove running from nostrils to mouth.
One of my team members addressed himself to Greek myths, another to flags, the third to church architecture. We exchanged jokey, increasingly hysterical emails and when we met hugged each other like old friends, like fellow soldiers about to go into battle together. Adam Hart, Ruth Reed, Sid Lowe and me: it’s not that we wanted to win; we just didn’t want to be publicly humiliated. (See below for that part of the story.)One of my team members addressed himself to Greek myths, another to flags, the third to church architecture. We exchanged jokey, increasingly hysterical emails and when we met hugged each other like old friends, like fellow soldiers about to go into battle together. Adam Hart, Ruth Reed, Sid Lowe and me: it’s not that we wanted to win; we just didn’t want to be publicly humiliated. (See below for that part of the story.)
Round one, against Aberdeen (Nicky Campbell, Kezia Dugdale, Ian Boyd, Richard Klein). Face painted. Clock ticking. Time crawling, then time’s arrow. Body like water, heart like a drum. Jeremy Paxman’s long, habitually amused face. That music. People clapping. Oh God, this is me and I am really here and lights are shining in my eyes and there’s a banner with my name and a glass of water that I definitely won’t drink because my hands will tremble too much and I hear my name and I feel my smile stretch across my rubbery face and I hear my voice introducing myself. And someone presses a buzzer but it definitely isn’t me.Round one, against Aberdeen (Nicky Campbell, Kezia Dugdale, Ian Boyd, Richard Klein). Face painted. Clock ticking. Time crawling, then time’s arrow. Body like water, heart like a drum. Jeremy Paxman’s long, habitually amused face. That music. People clapping. Oh God, this is me and I am really here and lights are shining in my eyes and there’s a banner with my name and a glass of water that I definitely won’t drink because my hands will tremble too much and I hear my name and I feel my smile stretch across my rubbery face and I hear my voice introducing myself. And someone presses a buzzer but it definitely isn’t me.
They’re ahead. Then we are. Ruth Reed said: “Douglas Adams.” Oh, I have such a fabulous team. How can they be so clever? And now I have pressed the buzzer. How does the memory work? I love Jane Austen, studied her, have read her novels many times – and can’t remember the name of the male hero of Persuasion. (Frederick Wentworth.) A snatch of music comes on: it is the song that for many years we put on every single schoolday morning, for our children to dance out of the door to. Do I press the buzzer? No, I do not. But, in a kind of bright fog, I do press the buzzer when asked for the first female bishop and get it right (Elizabeth Lane). But how did I mysteriously know that?They’re ahead. Then we are. Ruth Reed said: “Douglas Adams.” Oh, I have such a fabulous team. How can they be so clever? And now I have pressed the buzzer. How does the memory work? I love Jane Austen, studied her, have read her novels many times – and can’t remember the name of the male hero of Persuasion. (Frederick Wentworth.) A snatch of music comes on: it is the song that for many years we put on every single schoolday morning, for our children to dance out of the door to. Do I press the buzzer? No, I do not. But, in a kind of bright fog, I do press the buzzer when asked for the first female bishop and get it right (Elizabeth Lane). But how did I mysteriously know that?
How did I know what number you get if you subtract the number of seats in the Welsh assembly from the number of seats in the House of Commons? And now our captain Adam Hart says: “Gluon.” He says: “Arctic tern.” And suddenly it’s over. How can it already be over? And we’ve won. What? The world steadies around me. One of my team says: “You realise this means we have to do it again.”How did I know what number you get if you subtract the number of seats in the Welsh assembly from the number of seats in the House of Commons? And now our captain Adam Hart says: “Gluon.” He says: “Arctic tern.” And suddenly it’s over. How can it already be over? And we’ve won. What? The world steadies around me. One of my team says: “You realise this means we have to do it again.”
Again. The semi-finals, against Manchester (Lucy Porter, Jesse Armstrong, Robert “Judge” Rinder, Christine Burns). I honestly can’t remember very much of this. My mind skittered. I spent several minutes feeling destabilised after I failed to identify Portia. I knew that, I knew that. My children were worried I’d swear; now my favourite expletives fill my mouth. The four of us lean forward, fingers on buzzers, scrabbling after answers, tense, hanging on by our fingertips. But woohoo, how did Sid Lowe so calmly know about Dalton and colour blindness. So with a little surge we’re ahead. We’re over the line.Again. The semi-finals, against Manchester (Lucy Porter, Jesse Armstrong, Robert “Judge” Rinder, Christine Burns). I honestly can’t remember very much of this. My mind skittered. I spent several minutes feeling destabilised after I failed to identify Portia. I knew that, I knew that. My children were worried I’d swear; now my favourite expletives fill my mouth. The four of us lean forward, fingers on buzzers, scrabbling after answers, tense, hanging on by our fingertips. But woohoo, how did Sid Lowe so calmly know about Dalton and colour blindness. So with a little surge we’re ahead. We’re over the line.
The finals. Against Magdalen College (Louis Theroux, Matt Ridley, Robin Lane Fox, Heather Berlin). Everyone suddenly seems very tall and clever and robust and I am small and middle aged and frail; my body doesn’t feel right. If you don’t want to see humiliation, look away now. Halfway through, Magdalen had about 150points and we had – oh God, we had minus 10. Minus 10. We could reach the end with a negative score.The finals. Against Magdalen College (Louis Theroux, Matt Ridley, Robin Lane Fox, Heather Berlin). Everyone suddenly seems very tall and clever and robust and I am small and middle aged and frail; my body doesn’t feel right. If you don’t want to see humiliation, look away now. Halfway through, Magdalen had about 150points and we had – oh God, we had minus 10. Minus 10. We could reach the end with a negative score.
Has that ever happened before? Are we setting a new record? I look at my team-mates: rictus smiles, glassy-eyed horror. I look at our opponents: are they smirking? They might be smirking, while trying their polite best not to. This is a demolition and it is us who are being demolished. Whole pieces of my brain seem to be falling away, slabs of memory obliterated. We eventually struggle out of the wreckage – never with a hope of victory, but to score more than nothing is something at least, a shred of dignity that will get me though the small hours. I said Psalms, I knew Jo Nesbø.Has that ever happened before? Are we setting a new record? I look at my team-mates: rictus smiles, glassy-eyed horror. I look at our opponents: are they smirking? They might be smirking, while trying their polite best not to. This is a demolition and it is us who are being demolished. Whole pieces of my brain seem to be falling away, slabs of memory obliterated. We eventually struggle out of the wreckage – never with a hope of victory, but to score more than nothing is something at least, a shred of dignity that will get me though the small hours. I said Psalms, I knew Jo Nesbø.
Why does something that matters not a jot feel like it matters so much? Experts from all fields, philosophers, barristers, scientists, classicists, historians, men and women of the world, are all reduced to anxious, eager children: a democracy of fear. Fingers on the buzzer. What is the only creature whose common name is the same as its Latin name? The answer is boa constrictor and they didn’t ask that question. Maybe next time and I’ll be ready.Why does something that matters not a jot feel like it matters so much? Experts from all fields, philosophers, barristers, scientists, classicists, historians, men and women of the world, are all reduced to anxious, eager children: a democracy of fear. Fingers on the buzzer. What is the only creature whose common name is the same as its Latin name? The answer is boa constrictor and they didn’t ask that question. Maybe next time and I’ll be ready.