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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/feb/11/life-after-divorce-end-marriage
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| Life after divorce: what it really feels like to end a marriage | Life after divorce: what it really feels like to end a marriage |
| (about 17 hours later) | |
| Sir Paul Coleridge, a former high court judge, has said that many people wish they hadn’t ended their marriage. This follows a survey by the law firm Seddons that found 22% of those who had divorced wished they hadn’t done so. | Sir Paul Coleridge, a former high court judge, has said that many people wish they hadn’t ended their marriage. This follows a survey by the law firm Seddons that found 22% of those who had divorced wished they hadn’t done so. |
| We asked our readers about whether they had any regrets and what it really feels like to walk away from a loved one. | We asked our readers about whether they had any regrets and what it really feels like to walk away from a loved one. |
| ‘I never found anyone I loved as much as my ex-husband’ | ‘I never found anyone I loved as much as my ex-husband’ |
| I fell in love with another man, and didn’t want to have an affair, so I left my husband. It didn’t work out with the other man and I have bitterly regretted it ever since (over 10 years ago now). I have never found anyone I loved nearly as much as my ex-husband; it taught me the grass is definitely not greener on the other side. | I fell in love with another man, and didn’t want to have an affair, so I left my husband. It didn’t work out with the other man and I have bitterly regretted it ever since (over 10 years ago now). I have never found anyone I loved nearly as much as my ex-husband; it taught me the grass is definitely not greener on the other side. |
| I realise now we had a brilliant (not perfect, but brilliant) marriage | I realise now we had a brilliant (not perfect, but brilliant) marriage |
| My ex and I are still in love, but he is unhappily remarried now with a new family and he doesn’t want to leave his kids. We see each other occasionally for lunch, but these meetings don’t go further than us declaring our love for each other. By the time I realised I’d made a terrible mistake (about six months later) my ex-husband had already met the woman who would become his second wife. | My ex and I are still in love, but he is unhappily remarried now with a new family and he doesn’t want to leave his kids. We see each other occasionally for lunch, but these meetings don’t go further than us declaring our love for each other. By the time I realised I’d made a terrible mistake (about six months later) my ex-husband had already met the woman who would become his second wife. |
| Perhaps one day, when his kids are grown up, we might be able to have another shot at happiness. I feel guilty every day for what I did. I realise now we had a brilliant (not perfect, but brilliant) marriage. | Perhaps one day, when his kids are grown up, we might be able to have another shot at happiness. I feel guilty every day for what I did. I realise now we had a brilliant (not perfect, but brilliant) marriage. |
| ‘The hardest part was maintaining contact to raise our son’ | ‘The hardest part was maintaining contact to raise our son’ |
| Related: Is sharing residency better for children’s mental health? | |
| When I got divorced from my wife the hardest part was maintaining contact in order to raise our son. Ordinarily I would have washed my hands of her but as it was I had to swallow my prideto preserve my relationship with him. It’s heartbreaking when people going through a divorce use their children to conduct a revenge campaign. We were very lucky in that we could sell one house and buy two smaller ones with the proceeds. Few people are in that position. | When I got divorced from my wife the hardest part was maintaining contact in order to raise our son. Ordinarily I would have washed my hands of her but as it was I had to swallow my prideto preserve my relationship with him. It’s heartbreaking when people going through a divorce use their children to conduct a revenge campaign. We were very lucky in that we could sell one house and buy two smaller ones with the proceeds. Few people are in that position. |
| ‘Now I can finally be happy – but I can’t forgive the lies’ | ‘Now I can finally be happy – but I can’t forgive the lies’ |
| My ex-husband of over 30 years started acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me, arguing with me and our son all the time. Finally, I left him and then I filed for divorce. Only then did I discover he’d been seeing his first wife. | My ex-husband of over 30 years started acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me, arguing with me and our son all the time. Finally, I left him and then I filed for divorce. Only then did I discover he’d been seeing his first wife. |
| I will never forgive him for lying to me but it has been three years since the divorce was final and I try to be civil when I see him. Every day I am more content and stable. I feel now that I can be happy every day. My ex was not happy for the last decade, at least, of our marriage. He made our household an awful place while he tried hard to play out his fantasies of “having it all”. | I will never forgive him for lying to me but it has been three years since the divorce was final and I try to be civil when I see him. Every day I am more content and stable. I feel now that I can be happy every day. My ex was not happy for the last decade, at least, of our marriage. He made our household an awful place while he tried hard to play out his fantasies of “having it all”. |
| ‘The loss of companionship and intimacy is hard’ | ‘The loss of companionship and intimacy is hard’ |
| I was traded in for a younger model, so I had no choice about getting divorced, but I regret what happened every day in every way. I miss the companionship, the financial independence (the joint business went too) and I have to say I also miss the lack of intimacy. Even if I found someone else, age would realistically preclude being able to build that kind of relationship again. Friends and activities can never fill the void left by the loss of a long-term partner. | I was traded in for a younger model, so I had no choice about getting divorced, but I regret what happened every day in every way. I miss the companionship, the financial independence (the joint business went too) and I have to say I also miss the lack of intimacy. Even if I found someone else, age would realistically preclude being able to build that kind of relationship again. Friends and activities can never fill the void left by the loss of a long-term partner. |
| ‘We were simply wrong for each other’ | ‘We were simply wrong for each other’ |
| Related: I’m unhappy with my wife of 30 years. Should I leave? | Mariella Frostrup | |
| The fact we weren’t right for each other didn’t emerge straight away because we had a long-distance courtship and marriage, but the more time we spent in the same city the less we had to talk about. He was a kind, supportive man but not an observant or reflective one. I knew I would grow impatient with him, so I left. (Yes, I gave another explanation.) | The fact we weren’t right for each other didn’t emerge straight away because we had a long-distance courtship and marriage, but the more time we spent in the same city the less we had to talk about. He was a kind, supportive man but not an observant or reflective one. I knew I would grow impatient with him, so I left. (Yes, I gave another explanation.) |
| I still feel bad for the hurt I caused, and I have, on occasion, missed his kindness, but I remain convinced that our marriage would have grown biter and miserable. | I still feel bad for the hurt I caused, and I have, on occasion, missed his kindness, but I remain convinced that our marriage would have grown biter and miserable. |
| My ex is in a longstanding relationship with a woman who is much more like him now. Everyone in my family says she’s wonderful and they’re happy, which confirms that I made the right choice. | My ex is in a longstanding relationship with a woman who is much more like him now. Everyone in my family says she’s wonderful and they’re happy, which confirms that I made the right choice. |
| ‘Don’t underestimate how difficult divorce will be’ | ‘Don’t underestimate how difficult divorce will be’ |
| I felt alone in my marriage. My ex was controlling and I often felt browbeaten into doing things I didn’t want to. He was also very prescriptive of how I should look and dress etc. Eventually, I went to 18 months of couple counselling to try to save my marriage (I had two young kids) but it wasn’t enough. | I felt alone in my marriage. My ex was controlling and I often felt browbeaten into doing things I didn’t want to. He was also very prescriptive of how I should look and dress etc. Eventually, I went to 18 months of couple counselling to try to save my marriage (I had two young kids) but it wasn’t enough. |
| What did I learn from it? Pay attention: the person in your life at any time should be your focus | What did I learn from it? Pay attention: the person in your life at any time should be your focus |
| My friend gave me two bits of good advice when I was trying to decide if I should leave. First, she asked what I would advise my daughter in a similar situation (leave). Second, she asked what model of a marriage I was showing my children if I stayed (answer: a shitty one). I was lucky because I fell into the supportive hands of a friend who turned out to be the love of my life. I have other friends who are divorced and now alone. However, I don’t think they regret it, even so. Don’t underestimate how hard divorce will be, but don’t limit yourself (and your kids if you have them) to a life of misery either. Be brave enough to say this is not good enough. Trust yourself. | |
| ‘We were still in love when our marriage ended’ | ‘We were still in love when our marriage ended’ |
| I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when we ended the marriage, which makes it sadder. Looking back, it would have been good to get counselling to help me cope with the separation. What did I learn from it? Pay attention: the person in your life at any time should be your focus. | I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when we ended the marriage, which makes it sadder. Looking back, it would have been good to get counselling to help me cope with the separation. What did I learn from it? Pay attention: the person in your life at any time should be your focus. |
| Share your stories in the comments – do you regret your marriage ending or did you learn a great deal from it? | Share your stories in the comments – do you regret your marriage ending or did you learn a great deal from it? |