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Our lives in foster care: what it feels like to be given a new family Our lives in foster care: what it feels like to be given a new family
(7 months later)
Each year, thousands of children get put into the care of local authorities, with the majority ending up in foster families.Each year, thousands of children get put into the care of local authorities, with the majority ending up in foster families.
We asked our readers to share their experiences of fostering and tell us what it’s really like to be given a new home. Writing anonymously, they tell us their stories. The names of family members have been changed.We asked our readers to share their experiences of fostering and tell us what it’s really like to be given a new home. Writing anonymously, they tell us their stories. The names of family members have been changed.
‘My foster mum said she’d send me away if I misbehaved’‘My foster mum said she’d send me away if I misbehaved’
I was very unhappy in foster care. After a few short placements and a year in a children’s home that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Charles Dickens’s novel, I was placed with an older lady. I was supposed to stay for two days but ended up there for 10 years. She was very controlling and threatened to send me back to the children’s home if I misbehaved. But looking back I realise she got very little money to look after me and social workers should have guided her better. Being there did bring me a lovely big sister, who sadly died a few years ago, but her daughter is still in my life.I was very unhappy in foster care. After a few short placements and a year in a children’s home that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Charles Dickens’s novel, I was placed with an older lady. I was supposed to stay for two days but ended up there for 10 years. She was very controlling and threatened to send me back to the children’s home if I misbehaved. But looking back I realise she got very little money to look after me and social workers should have guided her better. Being there did bring me a lovely big sister, who sadly died a few years ago, but her daughter is still in my life.
I now work with children in care and with foster carers, and while I never really planned this as a career my own experience has given me the ability to see both sides and to try and put myself in the shoes of the children and young people I work with.I now work with children in care and with foster carers, and while I never really planned this as a career my own experience has given me the ability to see both sides and to try and put myself in the shoes of the children and young people I work with.
‘I was uprooted – I wish I’d been more prepared’‘I was uprooted – I wish I’d been more prepared’
I lost both my parents at the age of 13 and found myself in foster care. The local authority had, and still have, a shortage of people willing to foster and I found myself moving away from the city where I grew up. This meant I lost my community, my school and also the friends I had known since nursery. Education was a particularly difficult issue as I enrolled in a school where everyone already knew one another. This combined with my inclination to withdraw emotionally on account of my early experiences meant that it was difficult to make new friends.I lost both my parents at the age of 13 and found myself in foster care. The local authority had, and still have, a shortage of people willing to foster and I found myself moving away from the city where I grew up. This meant I lost my community, my school and also the friends I had known since nursery. Education was a particularly difficult issue as I enrolled in a school where everyone already knew one another. This combined with my inclination to withdraw emotionally on account of my early experiences meant that it was difficult to make new friends.
After around 12 months I began to settle, the foster parents tasked with looking after me were in their 50s and had helped many children, some of whom had also experienced early trauma in life. Overall, looking back, my experiences are positive, although the initial transition was difficult. I wish that I had been prepared more for what happened – the move meant that my whole life was being uprooted and I went from a loss of parents to dealing with many other factors.After around 12 months I began to settle, the foster parents tasked with looking after me were in their 50s and had helped many children, some of whom had also experienced early trauma in life. Overall, looking back, my experiences are positive, although the initial transition was difficult. I wish that I had been prepared more for what happened – the move meant that my whole life was being uprooted and I went from a loss of parents to dealing with many other factors.
‘Jenny was the kindest soul I’d ever met’‘Jenny was the kindest soul I’d ever met’
My foster mother Jenny’s first words to me were: “Can I have a hug?” This big-hearted Jamaican lady was and is the kindest, most selfless soul I had ever met. We clicked instantly, and I ended up staying with her for two years.My foster mother Jenny’s first words to me were: “Can I have a hug?” This big-hearted Jamaican lady was and is the kindest, most selfless soul I had ever met. We clicked instantly, and I ended up staying with her for two years.
I blossomed in Jenny’s home, doing well at school. But after a while the difficulties of my past manifested in bulimia and depression. Jenny’s unfailing support couldn’t reach me, and our relationship broke down. At age 17 I moved out.I blossomed in Jenny’s home, doing well at school. But after a while the difficulties of my past manifested in bulimia and depression. Jenny’s unfailing support couldn’t reach me, and our relationship broke down. At age 17 I moved out.
After the breakdown of the placement, Jenny made it clear that her door was always open. She was true to her word and we are still in touch today. As a child I came to her afraid, having been deprived of every liberty and associating home with violence and neglect. She showed me, with unrelenting persistence, that this needn’t be the case.After the breakdown of the placement, Jenny made it clear that her door was always open. She was true to her word and we are still in touch today. As a child I came to her afraid, having been deprived of every liberty and associating home with violence and neglect. She showed me, with unrelenting persistence, that this needn’t be the case.
Related: The secret life of a foster carer: I’m spat at and kept up at night – all for 50p an hour | Anonymous
‘I was afraid of some of the other kids in my family’‘I was afraid of some of the other kids in my family’
I remembered sharing a room with other children. In my first family there were only four of us, but with my second family there were seven children and it was never very personal or intimate.I remembered sharing a room with other children. In my first family there were only four of us, but with my second family there were seven children and it was never very personal or intimate.
I felt like a leftover and like a piece of shit that was being carried around from family to family. I would have appreciated more dialogue and discussions, and explanations about what was happening. I learned a lot of bad things from the kids who were living in the same family (some were from violent backgrounds and sometimes I was scared so I locked my bedroom door at night).I felt like a leftover and like a piece of shit that was being carried around from family to family. I would have appreciated more dialogue and discussions, and explanations about what was happening. I learned a lot of bad things from the kids who were living in the same family (some were from violent backgrounds and sometimes I was scared so I locked my bedroom door at night).
‘My second mum was like a businesswoman’‘My second mum was like a businesswoman’
My first mum was very close to me and I know she would love to hear from me today. My second mum was more of a businesswoman and I don’t think she cared too much. I didn’t care about leaving her either.My first mum was very close to me and I know she would love to hear from me today. My second mum was more of a businesswoman and I don’t think she cared too much. I didn’t care about leaving her either.
‘My parents are impossible to replace, despite their faults’‘My parents are impossible to replace, despite their faults’
I had a good experience in foster care. I had two sets of carers over a year, both of whom cared very deeply for me. Did social services always get it right? No. Neither did my foster parents. But nobody is infallible, and on the whole, I had a good childhood.I had a good experience in foster care. I had two sets of carers over a year, both of whom cared very deeply for me. Did social services always get it right? No. Neither did my foster parents. But nobody is infallible, and on the whole, I had a good childhood.
A foster carer should know the boundaries between being a foster parent and a biological/adoptive parent. Neither sets of carers stayed within those boundaries, and it becomes extremely difficult for the person in care. I care about my foster parents deeply, but no one can replace my parents no matter how awful they were.A foster carer should know the boundaries between being a foster parent and a biological/adoptive parent. Neither sets of carers stayed within those boundaries, and it becomes extremely difficult for the person in care. I care about my foster parents deeply, but no one can replace my parents no matter how awful they were.
‘I had an amazing experience’‘I had an amazing experience’
My experience of being in foster care was amazing in 1989. My sister and I were fostered by a loving and caring family. I was four and she was six at the time. We do have two other brothers who were sent to two different foster carers, but we got to see them every now and then. My sister and I were in care with our family for 25 years, and we regard them as our family and love them very much.My experience of being in foster care was amazing in 1989. My sister and I were fostered by a loving and caring family. I was four and she was six at the time. We do have two other brothers who were sent to two different foster carers, but we got to see them every now and then. My sister and I were in care with our family for 25 years, and we regard them as our family and love them very much.
The most valuable thing I learned from my experience is that you should never give up on a child, even if they upset you. They just need the time, love, support and energy to get them on track. I did a lot of stupid things as a youngster but my mum never gave up on me.The most valuable thing I learned from my experience is that you should never give up on a child, even if they upset you. They just need the time, love, support and energy to get them on track. I did a lot of stupid things as a youngster but my mum never gave up on me.