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| It would have been better if the guards had left the hacks alone and tagged Cameron instead | It would have been better if the guards had left the hacks alone and tagged Cameron instead |
| (7 days later) | |
| Monday | Monday |
| David Cameron’s long-delayed conversion to prison reform this week did not extend to those who are paid to spread the good news. Unusually for one of these events, there was a long queue of people waiting to get in. The reason became clear when I reached the front; every journalist was being electronically tagged with a red wristband. It would have been quicker if the security guards had left the hacks alone and merely tagged the prime minister instead. Isn’t Dave the biggest danger to society? But then maybe the tagging was always more intended for Michael Gove, the justice secretary, who looked to be fighting to stay awake while Dave made his speech. As we all were; the room was hot and overcrowded. If it was a prison, it would have been closed down under the new proposals. | David Cameron’s long-delayed conversion to prison reform this week did not extend to those who are paid to spread the good news. Unusually for one of these events, there was a long queue of people waiting to get in. The reason became clear when I reached the front; every journalist was being electronically tagged with a red wristband. It would have been quicker if the security guards had left the hacks alone and merely tagged the prime minister instead. Isn’t Dave the biggest danger to society? But then maybe the tagging was always more intended for Michael Gove, the justice secretary, who looked to be fighting to stay awake while Dave made his speech. As we all were; the room was hot and overcrowded. If it was a prison, it would have been closed down under the new proposals. |
| Tuesday | Tuesday |
| As so often, freebies keep flowing to those in least need. The big name Oscar nominees are all in receipt of a $200k goody bag that includes a five-star holiday to Israel, a walking tour in Japan and a voucher for plastic surgery – most of which have already been redeemed. Now even civil servants are muscling in on the act. The latest National Audit Office report runs to 40 pages of senior Whitehall officials – and their families – being lavished with corporate freebies at top restaurants, along with iPads, Fortnum & Mason hampers and Mont Blanc pens. All of which makes my own meagre haul after more than 20 years in journalism so disappointing. The only highlight came this year after I wrote a sketch about London men’s fashion week. I received an email saying the fashion desk would like to express its gratitude with a bouquet of flowers. I wrote back to say I’d rather have some socks. Socks from Topman duly arrived. | As so often, freebies keep flowing to those in least need. The big name Oscar nominees are all in receipt of a $200k goody bag that includes a five-star holiday to Israel, a walking tour in Japan and a voucher for plastic surgery – most of which have already been redeemed. Now even civil servants are muscling in on the act. The latest National Audit Office report runs to 40 pages of senior Whitehall officials – and their families – being lavished with corporate freebies at top restaurants, along with iPads, Fortnum & Mason hampers and Mont Blanc pens. All of which makes my own meagre haul after more than 20 years in journalism so disappointing. The only highlight came this year after I wrote a sketch about London men’s fashion week. I received an email saying the fashion desk would like to express its gratitude with a bouquet of flowers. I wrote back to say I’d rather have some socks. Socks from Topman duly arrived. |
| Wednesday | Wednesday |
| Every year the Conservatives hold their Black & White Ball at which Tory donors with large cheque books get to rub shoulders with cabinet ministers. Tory donors with even larger cheque books get a brush by with the prime minister himself. One of the star lots in the auction was a day out campaigning with Zac Goldsmith that went for £35,000. But did the winner have any idea of just how dull Zac can be? I know he’s very good-looking, but the charm might wear off if his conversation is anything like his rather plodding contributions to parliamentary debates. Let’s be kind and say he keeps his intelligence hidden. And take it from me, there’s nothing more dull than a day’s campaigning. During the last election, I went out for the day with the former Lib Dem MP, Michael Moore, in his constituency in the Scottish borders. Knocking on doors is soul destroying. From behind some doors, I could clearly hear voices saying: “Don’t open it. It’s a politician.” Others opened their doors for the pleasure of being abusive. Some were scarcely aware there was an election going on. “It’s all perfectly normal,” Moore reassured me. He went on to lose by a landslide. | Every year the Conservatives hold their Black & White Ball at which Tory donors with large cheque books get to rub shoulders with cabinet ministers. Tory donors with even larger cheque books get a brush by with the prime minister himself. One of the star lots in the auction was a day out campaigning with Zac Goldsmith that went for £35,000. But did the winner have any idea of just how dull Zac can be? I know he’s very good-looking, but the charm might wear off if his conversation is anything like his rather plodding contributions to parliamentary debates. Let’s be kind and say he keeps his intelligence hidden. And take it from me, there’s nothing more dull than a day’s campaigning. During the last election, I went out for the day with the former Lib Dem MP, Michael Moore, in his constituency in the Scottish borders. Knocking on doors is soul destroying. From behind some doors, I could clearly hear voices saying: “Don’t open it. It’s a politician.” Others opened their doors for the pleasure of being abusive. Some were scarcely aware there was an election going on. “It’s all perfectly normal,” Moore reassured me. He went on to lose by a landslide. |
| Thursday | Thursday |
| Embarrassing families have become the latest political trend. David Cameron’s mother has signed a petition protesting over cuts; if she keeps this up, she’ll end up wearing a red electronic tag. Michael Gove’s mother-in-law thinks Gove has gone soft on prison reform; that latest insight was provided by Sarah Vine, the Daily Mail columnist who never knowingly passes up an opportunity to kick someone when he’s down. Even when he’s her husband. George Osborne’s psychiatrist brother got struck off after having an affair with one of his patients, while Marina Wheeler, Boris Johnson’s wife, wrote in the Spectator about how badly David Cameron’s EU negotiations were going – just when Boris was beginning to get back into Dave’s good books. Marina has waited a long time to get revenge for Boris’s various indiscretions. I’ve always been more fortunate with my family. Either I’ve been the embarrassing one or I’ve benefited from people who happen to share my surname. My first ever piece of journalism was only published because the editor thought I was the author Jim Crace. | Embarrassing families have become the latest political trend. David Cameron’s mother has signed a petition protesting over cuts; if she keeps this up, she’ll end up wearing a red electronic tag. Michael Gove’s mother-in-law thinks Gove has gone soft on prison reform; that latest insight was provided by Sarah Vine, the Daily Mail columnist who never knowingly passes up an opportunity to kick someone when he’s down. Even when he’s her husband. George Osborne’s psychiatrist brother got struck off after having an affair with one of his patients, while Marina Wheeler, Boris Johnson’s wife, wrote in the Spectator about how badly David Cameron’s EU negotiations were going – just when Boris was beginning to get back into Dave’s good books. Marina has waited a long time to get revenge for Boris’s various indiscretions. I’ve always been more fortunate with my family. Either I’ve been the embarrassing one or I’ve benefited from people who happen to share my surname. My first ever piece of journalism was only published because the editor thought I was the author Jim Crace. |
| Related: James Joyce and the missing apostrophe | Letters | |
| Friday | Friday |
| I’m delighted that Einstein has finally been proved right after 100 years, but I suspect I’m not alone in not really understanding what gravitational waves really are and why they are important. Even after reading screeds about it, all I have gathered is that we have discovered two black holes that bumped into each other billions of years ago – “In all the gin joints, in all the universe” – and that we might discover something else as a result. I had much the same experience reading Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. Every sentence made complete sense on its own, but by the end of every paragraph I was hopelessly lost. Some things really are too complicated to be easily explained; if they weren’t they’d have been solved by idiots like me. Talking of other mysteries, maybe the interferometer could be used to find out why there’s no apostrophe in Finnegans Wake. Then it could get to work on the rest of the book. | I’m delighted that Einstein has finally been proved right after 100 years, but I suspect I’m not alone in not really understanding what gravitational waves really are and why they are important. Even after reading screeds about it, all I have gathered is that we have discovered two black holes that bumped into each other billions of years ago – “In all the gin joints, in all the universe” – and that we might discover something else as a result. I had much the same experience reading Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. Every sentence made complete sense on its own, but by the end of every paragraph I was hopelessly lost. Some things really are too complicated to be easily explained; if they weren’t they’d have been solved by idiots like me. Talking of other mysteries, maybe the interferometer could be used to find out why there’s no apostrophe in Finnegans Wake. Then it could get to work on the rest of the book. |
| Digested week, digested: Gravity’s rainbow | Digested week, digested: Gravity’s rainbow |