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Remember when Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops? The good old days. | Remember when Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops? The good old days. |
(about 5 hours later) | |
I was staring glumly into my bathroom mirror — toothbrush in one hand, tube of toothpaste in the other — wondering when exactly it all went so wrong. Not how or why — when. | I was staring glumly into my bathroom mirror — toothbrush in one hand, tube of toothpaste in the other — wondering when exactly it all went so wrong. Not how or why — when. |
It’s common knowledge that things aren’t as good as they used to be. Once there was a time known as the “good old days.” Not anymore. | It’s common knowledge that things aren’t as good as they used to be. Once there was a time known as the “good old days.” Not anymore. |
That’s what people keep saying, anyway. Ask anyone: The land is awash in a rising tide of mediocrity, rancor and despair. When did that tide start coming in? | That’s what people keep saying, anyway. Ask anyone: The land is awash in a rising tide of mediocrity, rancor and despair. When did that tide start coming in? |
And then it struck me. Jutting from the wall above the sink was a square of black ceramic, a large tile that incorporated a round depression for a water glass and four holes into which toothbrushes could be placed. It was a toothbrush holder, a handy device that probably dates to when the house was built, 70 years ago. | And then it struck me. Jutting from the wall above the sink was a square of black ceramic, a large tile that incorporated a round depression for a water glass and four holes into which toothbrushes could be placed. It was a toothbrush holder, a handy device that probably dates to when the house was built, 70 years ago. |
But now most toothbrushes won’t fit in those holes. Their handles have gotten fat, covered with colorful rubber excrescences. Oh, the manufacturers try to tell you the fancy toothbrushes are “ergonomic,” but they just want to charge you more for them. It’s quite an effort these days to find slim toothbrushes. | But now most toothbrushes won’t fit in those holes. Their handles have gotten fat, covered with colorful rubber excrescences. Oh, the manufacturers try to tell you the fancy toothbrushes are “ergonomic,” but they just want to charge you more for them. It’s quite an effort these days to find slim toothbrushes. |
That’s when things started to go downhill: when toothbrush handles got too big to fit in toothbrush holders. | That’s when things started to go downhill: when toothbrush handles got too big to fit in toothbrush holders. |
I finished brushing my teeth and turned on the shower. As I closed the glass shower door and watched it steam up from the warm water, my mind wandered. Maybe toothbrushes weren’t the problem. Maybe the problem was vent windows on cars. Cars used to have vent windows: panes of triangular glass at the front of the door that swiveled on a little hinge and allowed just the right amount of air in. Now they don’t. | I finished brushing my teeth and turned on the shower. As I closed the glass shower door and watched it steam up from the warm water, my mind wandered. Maybe toothbrushes weren’t the problem. Maybe the problem was vent windows on cars. Cars used to have vent windows: panes of triangular glass at the front of the door that swiveled on a little hinge and allowed just the right amount of air in. Now they don’t. |
Things started to go downhill when cars stopped having little swiveling vent windows. | Things started to go downhill when cars stopped having little swiveling vent windows. |
At breakfast I shook some Kellogg’s Corn Pops into a bowl. Didn’t they used to be called Sugar Pops? I was certain of it. But that name had disappeared down the memory hole, sacrificed on the altar of health. | At breakfast I shook some Kellogg’s Corn Pops into a bowl. Didn’t they used to be called Sugar Pops? I was certain of it. But that name had disappeared down the memory hole, sacrificed on the altar of health. |
Things started to go downhill when they changed Sugar Pops to Corn Pops. | Things started to go downhill when they changed Sugar Pops to Corn Pops. |
I pulled the half-gallon of milk from the refrigerator door. It was a plastic carton with a round plastic cap. Easy to open, sure, but I remember a time when big milk cartons were like little ones: They were made of waxed cardboard, and you used both thumbs to carefully separate the cardboard at the top and make a little spout. | I pulled the half-gallon of milk from the refrigerator door. It was a plastic carton with a round plastic cap. Easy to open, sure, but I remember a time when big milk cartons were like little ones: They were made of waxed cardboard, and you used both thumbs to carefully separate the cardboard at the top and make a little spout. |
Who needed a fancy, screw-off plastic cap, a bit of useless frippery? Things started to go downhill when milk cartons started having caps. | Who needed a fancy, screw-off plastic cap, a bit of useless frippery? Things started to go downhill when milk cartons started having caps. |
And yet. . . . Remember when milk came in glass bottles? I don’t, actually, but I’ve seen pictures: a nice cold bottle of fresh milk delivered right to your door by a smiling milkman in a crisp white uniform. | And yet. . . . Remember when milk came in glass bottles? I don’t, actually, but I’ve seen pictures: a nice cold bottle of fresh milk delivered right to your door by a smiling milkman in a crisp white uniform. |
Things started to go downhill when they got rid of milkmen. | Things started to go downhill when they got rid of milkmen. |
Unless . . . | Unless . . . |
Unless it was earlier than that. Remember our friend the atom bomb? The A-bomb worked just fine, but was that good enough? No, sir. In 1952, they had to go and invent the extra-fancy, extra-deadly hydrogen bomb. | Unless it was earlier than that. Remember our friend the atom bomb? The A-bomb worked just fine, but was that good enough? No, sir. In 1952, they had to go and invent the extra-fancy, extra-deadly hydrogen bomb. |
Things started to go downhill with the H-bomb. | Things started to go downhill with the H-bomb. |
I choked down my Sugar, excuse me, my Corn Pops and fumed. | I choked down my Sugar, excuse me, my Corn Pops and fumed. |
On the Metro on my way into work I saw a couple using their smartphone to take a selfie. Ugh. Selfies. Things started. . . . Things . . . | On the Metro on my way into work I saw a couple using their smartphone to take a selfie. Ugh. Selfies. Things started. . . . Things . . . |
I thought. Did things start to go downhill when people started taking selfies? Or when someone put a camera in a cellphone? Or when they invented the cellphone? | I thought. Did things start to go downhill when people started taking selfies? Or when someone put a camera in a cellphone? Or when they invented the cellphone? |
No, it was earlier than that. Things started to go downhill when German optical engineer Oskar Barnack invented the Leica, a lightweight, compact 35mm camera that allowed people to easily take photographs anywhere. | |
That was in 1924. Good old 1924. | That was in 1924. Good old 1924. |
But really, how good were things in 1924? Hadn’t things been sliding for a while? Hadn’t things started to go downhill in 1841 with the invention of the metal oil paint tube, which allowed artists to leave their studios and carry their pigments with them, thus facilitating the rise of impressionism and all its unruly descendants? | But really, how good were things in 1924? Hadn’t things been sliding for a while? Hadn’t things started to go downhill in 1841 with the invention of the metal oil paint tube, which allowed artists to leave their studios and carry their pigments with them, thus facilitating the rise of impressionism and all its unruly descendants? |
I was pretty sure that was the case. | I was pretty sure that was the case. |
Of course, if you really want to be a stickler, you have to go back to the early 15th century, when Filippo Brunelleschi discovered perspective and suddenly every artist wanted to suggest a vanishing point in his paintings. Things really started to go downhill then. | Of course, if you really want to be a stickler, you have to go back to the early 15th century, when Filippo Brunelleschi discovered perspective and suddenly every artist wanted to suggest a vanishing point in his paintings. Things really started to go downhill then. |
Thanks a lot, Brunelleschi! Just couldn’t leave well enough alone. We were doing just fine without perspective. What’s perspective ever done but confuse people? | Thanks a lot, Brunelleschi! Just couldn’t leave well enough alone. We were doing just fine without perspective. What’s perspective ever done but confuse people? |
Whew, that was exhausting. But tell me: When do you think things started going downhill? When Maryland’s MVA eliminated the parallel-parking portion of the driving test? When drive-in movie theaters disappeared? When the United States went off the gold standard? | Whew, that was exhausting. But tell me: When do you think things started going downhill? When Maryland’s MVA eliminated the parallel-parking portion of the driving test? When drive-in movie theaters disappeared? When the United States went off the gold standard? |
Twitter: @johnkelly | Twitter: @johnkelly |
For previous columns, visit washingtonpost.com/johnkelly. | For previous columns, visit washingtonpost.com/johnkelly. |
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