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| Yabba-Dabba Doo! Maybe we’ve been wheeling downhill since the Stone Age. | |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| History does not record who it was who first said, “Things are going downhill.” It was probably that nameless Homo sapiens who invented the wheel. (Get it? Downhill? Never mind.) | History does not record who it was who first said, “Things are going downhill.” It was probably that nameless Homo sapiens who invented the wheel. (Get it? Downhill? Never mind.) |
| [Remember when Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops? The good old days.] | [Remember when Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops? The good old days.] |
| It’s hard to get much earlier than Marcus Tullius Cicero, the Roman orator who around 43 B.C. groused: “Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.” | It’s hard to get much earlier than Marcus Tullius Cicero, the Roman orator who around 43 B.C. groused: “Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.” |
| I suppose if Cicero were around today, he would say, “And everyone is writing a blog.” Or tweeting. | I suppose if Cicero were around today, he would say, “And everyone is writing a blog.” Or tweeting. |
| Or emailing their local columnist, who today presents his third column on when exactly it was that things started going downhill. | Or emailing their local columnist, who today presents his third column on when exactly it was that things started going downhill. |
| [Oh, for the good old days, which ended anywhere from 1960 to yesterday] | [Oh, for the good old days, which ended anywhere from 1960 to yesterday] |
| Appropriately enough, Hugh McElrath of Hyattsville, Md., said it was “when they started admitting people to college who had not first mastered Latin and Greek.” | Appropriately enough, Hugh McElrath of Hyattsville, Md., said it was “when they started admitting people to college who had not first mastered Latin and Greek.” |
| Jim Kurtz of Fairfax, Va., wrote: “The first nudge down the slippery slope occurred when the U.S. Army authorized soldiers to wear low quarters made of Corfam.” | Jim Kurtz of Fairfax, Va., wrote: “The first nudge down the slippery slope occurred when the U.S. Army authorized soldiers to wear low quarters made of Corfam.” |
| Low quarters are the shoes worn with military dress uniforms. Corfam is a man-made material used in place of leather. “Corfam needs no Kiwi [shoe polish],” Jim wrote. “ Its introduction was the end of spit-shines . . . and arguably the beginning of the end of civilization.” | Low quarters are the shoes worn with military dress uniforms. Corfam is a man-made material used in place of leather. “Corfam needs no Kiwi [shoe polish],” Jim wrote. “ Its introduction was the end of spit-shines . . . and arguably the beginning of the end of civilization.” |
| Charles Shaffer said he heard that things started going downhill “after nurses stopped wearing their caps.” | Charles Shaffer said he heard that things started going downhill “after nurses stopped wearing their caps.” |
| Mary L. Fisher of Laurel, Md., said things started going downhill in 1982, when the Bell telephone system was broken up. Back in Ma Bell’s day, Mary wrote: “There were no new models every year to buy, no mandatory contracts, no outages, no confusing apps, no expensive monthly bills and no constant interruptions and demands on our attention from others. . . . After divestiture it was a whole new world. Is it better? I don’t think so!” | |
| Richard S. Arkow of Springfield, Va., said things started going downhill “when President Clinton answered a teenager’s question about his underwear preferences: ‘Boxers or briefs?’ ” | Richard S. Arkow of Springfield, Va., said things started going downhill “when President Clinton answered a teenager’s question about his underwear preferences: ‘Boxers or briefs?’ ” |
| For the record, the answer was “Usually briefs.” | For the record, the answer was “Usually briefs.” |
| Sarah Plumb of Vienna, Va., also blames Clinton, although in an entirely different context. “Things started to go downhill in January 1993 when Bill Clinton, our new president, was photographed coming out of McDonald’s on 17th Street carrying a drink,” Sarah wrote. “Americans followed his lead. Today we clutch cups on Metro, at weddings and medical appointments, at Smithsonian, Cathedral and Kennedy Center events, even at Arlington Cemetery.” | Sarah Plumb of Vienna, Va., also blames Clinton, although in an entirely different context. “Things started to go downhill in January 1993 when Bill Clinton, our new president, was photographed coming out of McDonald’s on 17th Street carrying a drink,” Sarah wrote. “Americans followed his lead. Today we clutch cups on Metro, at weddings and medical appointments, at Smithsonian, Cathedral and Kennedy Center events, even at Arlington Cemetery.” |
| John Hughes of Woodbine, Md., said it was the demise of the full-service gas station that started us rolling downhill. | John Hughes of Woodbine, Md., said it was the demise of the full-service gas station that started us rolling downhill. |
| “Self-serve gas-pumping spawned the devil of the current environment where the customer does most of the work,” John wrote. “Next thing you know, when you go to a restaurant you will have to cook and serve your own meal, wash the dishes and pay an additional fee to process your own payment.” | “Self-serve gas-pumping spawned the devil of the current environment where the customer does most of the work,” John wrote. “Next thing you know, when you go to a restaurant you will have to cook and serve your own meal, wash the dishes and pay an additional fee to process your own payment.” |
| While we’re at the gas station, let’s listen to Phillip F. Wiethorn of Bethesda, Md., who believes things started going downhill when automatic transmissions started replacing manual gearboxes in cars. | While we’re at the gas station, let’s listen to Phillip F. Wiethorn of Bethesda, Md., who believes things started going downhill when automatic transmissions started replacing manual gearboxes in cars. |
| “When one had to shift gears and use the clutch, there was no time for other activities,” Phillip wrote. “With the automatic transmission, people now sit in a very comfortable seat with hands-off telephone conversations, multimedia entertainment systems and distracting computers screens. With the prospect of driverless cars in the future, I envision the auto manufacturers finding a way to add kitchen and toilet facilities.” | |
| And while we’re sitting in the car, let’s listen to the District’s Jim Fanslau, who believes our national decline began with allowing motorists to turn right on red. “This morphed into a disregard for all traffic rules, which then spilled over to disrespect for other rules of daily life as well as civility,” Jim wrote. | And while we’re sitting in the car, let’s listen to the District’s Jim Fanslau, who believes our national decline began with allowing motorists to turn right on red. “This morphed into a disregard for all traffic rules, which then spilled over to disrespect for other rules of daily life as well as civility,” Jim wrote. |
| For Ted Hochstadt, things started going downhill when the Dodgers left Brooklyn. Ted is from Pimmit Hills, Va., or as I now think of it, Pimmit Downhills. | For Ted Hochstadt, things started going downhill when the Dodgers left Brooklyn. Ted is from Pimmit Hills, Va., or as I now think of it, Pimmit Downhills. |
| Michael Hoyt of Silver Spring said things started going downhill when Joe Gibbs left the Redskins — “the first time.” | Michael Hoyt of Silver Spring said things started going downhill when Joe Gibbs left the Redskins — “the first time.” |
| Finally, Roger Wright of Norfolk sent in a bit of, well, you might call it doggerel, but it’s more clever than that. It’s a poem called “Going to the Dogs”: | Finally, Roger Wright of Norfolk sent in a bit of, well, you might call it doggerel, but it’s more clever than that. It’s a poem called “Going to the Dogs”: |
| My grandpa notes the world’s worn cogs | My grandpa notes the world’s worn cogs |
| And says we’re going to the dogs. | And says we’re going to the dogs. |
| His granddad in his house of logs | His granddad in his house of logs |
| Swore things were going to the dogs. | Swore things were going to the dogs. |
| His dad, amid the Flemish bogs, | His dad, amid the Flemish bogs, |
| Vowed things were going to the dogs. | Vowed things were going to the dogs. |
| The cave man, in his queer skin togs, | The cave man, in his queer skin togs, |
| Said things were going to the dogs. | Said things were going to the dogs. |
| But this is what I wish to state: | But this is what I wish to state: |
| The dogs have had an awful wait. | The dogs have had an awful wait. |
| Twitter: @johnkelly | Twitter: @johnkelly |
| For previous columns, visit washingtonpost.com/johnkelly. | For previous columns, visit washingtonpost.com/johnkelly. |
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