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| I don’t like fighting with the pope, said Donald Trump. And we believe him | I don’t like fighting with the pope, said Donald Trump. And we believe him |
| (7 months later) | |
| Barely two years ago, a battle of wits between Donald Trump and Pope Francis could have existed only in the fantasy realm of the Discovery Channel. It would have been a human offshoot of that Animal Face-Off show, where fights between some of nature’s most hardcore predators were artificially modelled to see who would win. There was Great White Shark v Saltwater Crocodile, Walrus v Polar Bear, Hippo v Bull Shark, Sperm Whale v Colossal Squid ... And now there is the Pope v the Donald. Thunderdome, party of two? The arena is ready for you. | Barely two years ago, a battle of wits between Donald Trump and Pope Francis could have existed only in the fantasy realm of the Discovery Channel. It would have been a human offshoot of that Animal Face-Off show, where fights between some of nature’s most hardcore predators were artificially modelled to see who would win. There was Great White Shark v Saltwater Crocodile, Walrus v Polar Bear, Hippo v Bull Shark, Sperm Whale v Colossal Squid ... And now there is the Pope v the Donald. Thunderdome, party of two? The arena is ready for you. |
| Barack Obama remarked this week of the presidency that it was not reality television, yet running for the position appears to have smashed through that particular looking-glass and now occupies the hallucinogenic territory of unreality TV. How else to characterise the pope suggesting that the would-be Republican nominee is not Christian because of his plan to build a wall to keep out Mexicans, followed by Trump releasing a statement declaring that the pontiff will be praying and wishing that he, Donald, was president when Isis storms the Vatican? Want some more? Good, because this was followed by a senior Trump campaign staff member tweeting photos of the walled Vatican with captions best summarised as “It’s a goddamn fortress”. And considering it only has to keep out the Italians, that makes it militarily way over-prepared. I’m joking, of course. Though they do get a medal if they breach the gift shop. | Barack Obama remarked this week of the presidency that it was not reality television, yet running for the position appears to have smashed through that particular looking-glass and now occupies the hallucinogenic territory of unreality TV. How else to characterise the pope suggesting that the would-be Republican nominee is not Christian because of his plan to build a wall to keep out Mexicans, followed by Trump releasing a statement declaring that the pontiff will be praying and wishing that he, Donald, was president when Isis storms the Vatican? Want some more? Good, because this was followed by a senior Trump campaign staff member tweeting photos of the walled Vatican with captions best summarised as “It’s a goddamn fortress”. And considering it only has to keep out the Italians, that makes it militarily way over-prepared. I’m joking, of course. Though they do get a medal if they breach the gift shop. |
| As for Trump, I’ve no intention of going longform on your proverbial ass about this – though if anyone wants 20,000 words on Donald Trump And The Terrorist Imagination, I am available. In truth, a few sentences should suffice: Donald Trump thinks like a terrorist. His entire schtick is acts of verbal violence which hijack or disrupt legitimate discussions anywhere and wrench them into some brutishly mesmeric realm where normal rules just got blown up and the savage exercise of power is the message as much as whatever the actual message is supposed to be. It is absolutely no surprise to find Trump an apparently easy fit for an al-Shabaab recruiting video – each of these supposed adversaries speaks the only language the other can understand. | As for Trump, I’ve no intention of going longform on your proverbial ass about this – though if anyone wants 20,000 words on Donald Trump And The Terrorist Imagination, I am available. In truth, a few sentences should suffice: Donald Trump thinks like a terrorist. His entire schtick is acts of verbal violence which hijack or disrupt legitimate discussions anywhere and wrench them into some brutishly mesmeric realm where normal rules just got blown up and the savage exercise of power is the message as much as whatever the actual message is supposed to be. It is absolutely no surprise to find Trump an apparently easy fit for an al-Shabaab recruiting video – each of these supposed adversaries speaks the only language the other can understand. |
| After the 9/11 attacks it was noted by many that the terrorists had somehow contrived to make the dystopian crime fantasies of even Hollywood look wan and unambitious. There is much of that baroque supervillainry in Trump’s statement on the pope, which included the casual set-up line: “If and when the Vatican is attacked by Isis, which as everyone knows is Isis’s ultimate trophy ...” | After the 9/11 attacks it was noted by many that the terrorists had somehow contrived to make the dystopian crime fantasies of even Hollywood look wan and unambitious. There is much of that baroque supervillainry in Trump’s statement on the pope, which included the casual set-up line: “If and when the Vatican is attacked by Isis, which as everyone knows is Isis’s ultimate trophy ...” |
| And yet, do they? Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think everyone does know this. Indeed, until Donald Trump said it, I hadn’t even conceived of the kind of megabudget shitshow where The Da Vinci Code meets Zero Dark Thirty. Where you know right from the get-go that the Rock will ultimately save the day by just managing to extend his finger to reach the detonator, in a sassy reference to the God/Adam panel in the Sistine Chapel ceiling (which, unfortunately, has been torched in the first reel). But now Trump has mentioned this disaster movie, presumed already to be in preproduction, I can’t stop picturing it. The more this campaign wears on, the more we can assume his defence secretary will be Michael Bay. | And yet, do they? Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think everyone does know this. Indeed, until Donald Trump said it, I hadn’t even conceived of the kind of megabudget shitshow where The Da Vinci Code meets Zero Dark Thirty. Where you know right from the get-go that the Rock will ultimately save the day by just managing to extend his finger to reach the detonator, in a sassy reference to the God/Adam panel in the Sistine Chapel ceiling (which, unfortunately, has been torched in the first reel). But now Trump has mentioned this disaster movie, presumed already to be in preproduction, I can’t stop picturing it. The more this campaign wears on, the more we can assume his defence secretary will be Michael Bay. |
| If you ever want some perspective on the comparative tameness of political discourse in certain other countries, meanwhile, consider how vogueish references to Lynton Crosby’s “dead cat” strategy have become on these shores. This is when a politician or party beleaguered by some row playing badly for them opts to chuck a metaphorical dead cat on the dining room table – say something distractingly outrageous – so that everyone forgets all about the original row in the horror/outrage/fascination at the new thing. And how very genteel that decomposing moggie now looks. | If you ever want some perspective on the comparative tameness of political discourse in certain other countries, meanwhile, consider how vogueish references to Lynton Crosby’s “dead cat” strategy have become on these shores. This is when a politician or party beleaguered by some row playing badly for them opts to chuck a metaphorical dead cat on the dining room table – say something distractingly outrageous – so that everyone forgets all about the original row in the horror/outrage/fascination at the new thing. And how very genteel that decomposing moggie now looks. |
| I can only describe Trump’s latest manoeuvre as a “dead pope strategy”. One minute we were contemplating gospel teachings against walls; now we’ve got Francis trussed up in an orange jumpsuit. Yet again it feels as if Trump’s endlessly discombobulated rivals should simply unite under the campaign slogan: What Just Happened? | I can only describe Trump’s latest manoeuvre as a “dead pope strategy”. One minute we were contemplating gospel teachings against walls; now we’ve got Francis trussed up in an orange jumpsuit. Yet again it feels as if Trump’s endlessly discombobulated rivals should simply unite under the campaign slogan: What Just Happened? |
| Answer, no one knows. No one dares to call it. Will it matter in the more Catholic midwest states or will it fade away when Trump chucks the next metaphorical dead thing on the table? Or the next literal dead thing – you’d be mad to rule it out. You cannot hear a single expert discuss any Trump move on the news who doesn’t self‑deprecatingly throw up their hands at the end of the interview and say that they wouldn’t dare to make anything approaching a prediction as far as the mogul is concerned. | Answer, no one knows. No one dares to call it. Will it matter in the more Catholic midwest states or will it fade away when Trump chucks the next metaphorical dead thing on the table? Or the next literal dead thing – you’d be mad to rule it out. You cannot hear a single expert discuss any Trump move on the news who doesn’t self‑deprecatingly throw up their hands at the end of the interview and say that they wouldn’t dare to make anything approaching a prediction as far as the mogul is concerned. |
| The pope, meanwhile, can hardly act like he wasn’t angling to square up. Questioning Trump’s faith was always going to be the equivalent of Clubber Lang looking out into the crowd in Rocky III and growling: “I want you, Balboa.” Whether your tears liquefy for the disputed heavyweight champion of humanity fighting out of Vatican City is obviously a matter for you. | The pope, meanwhile, can hardly act like he wasn’t angling to square up. Questioning Trump’s faith was always going to be the equivalent of Clubber Lang looking out into the crowd in Rocky III and growling: “I want you, Balboa.” Whether your tears liquefy for the disputed heavyweight champion of humanity fighting out of Vatican City is obviously a matter for you. |
| I see Francis is sloooowly mulling a very localised lifting of his church’s ruinous ban on contraception, if only in the areas where babies are most likely to be deformed by the Zika virus. Apparently avoiding pregnancy in those cases might not be “an absolute evil”, with the precedent in this case a papal predecessor having granted nuns at risk of rape in Africa temporary permission to go on the pill. So, more from his holiness on mean-spirited border controls – however vile and deranged – when we get it. | I see Francis is sloooowly mulling a very localised lifting of his church’s ruinous ban on contraception, if only in the areas where babies are most likely to be deformed by the Zika virus. Apparently avoiding pregnancy in those cases might not be “an absolute evil”, with the precedent in this case a papal predecessor having granted nuns at risk of rape in Africa temporary permission to go on the pill. So, more from his holiness on mean-spirited border controls – however vile and deranged – when we get it. |
| Still, the latest developments indicate that both men are now tap-dancing away from a showdown in the absolute crock-osseum. As is his custom, having got the airplay for something, Trump is now blithely backtracking. At a town hall in South Carolina on Thursday evening, he dropped what would once have sounded like a line from South Park but now feels like just another day’s news in this psychotropically unconventional campaign. Actually, he mused: “I don’t like fighting with the pope.” Well quite. It’s like the new political dictum goes: never fight with a pope. You both get dirty but the pope likes it. | Still, the latest developments indicate that both men are now tap-dancing away from a showdown in the absolute crock-osseum. As is his custom, having got the airplay for something, Trump is now blithely backtracking. At a town hall in South Carolina on Thursday evening, he dropped what would once have sounded like a line from South Park but now feels like just another day’s news in this psychotropically unconventional campaign. Actually, he mused: “I don’t like fighting with the pope.” Well quite. It’s like the new political dictum goes: never fight with a pope. You both get dirty but the pope likes it. |
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