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| The secret life of a dementia carer: I’ll never forget finding an iron in the fridge | The secret life of a dementia carer: I’ll never forget finding an iron in the fridge |
| (6 months later) | |
| Are caring people prone to being taken advantage of in the world of work – being exploited emotionally, mentally, physically and sometimes financially? I am a live-in care worker, and I believe the answer is a resounding yes. | Are caring people prone to being taken advantage of in the world of work – being exploited emotionally, mentally, physically and sometimes financially? I am a live-in care worker, and I believe the answer is a resounding yes. |
| But old age comes to all of us, and many will need looking after at some point. In the 15 years I have been a care worker I have been privileged to meet many exceptional people. I have met professors of medicine, naval commanders and retired chief executives who have had brilliant business careers; clients who worked for the civil service and were knighted for their contribution. Above all, I have met many charming, delightful people who are a pleasure to spend time with. | But old age comes to all of us, and many will need looking after at some point. In the 15 years I have been a care worker I have been privileged to meet many exceptional people. I have met professors of medicine, naval commanders and retired chief executives who have had brilliant business careers; clients who worked for the civil service and were knighted for their contribution. Above all, I have met many charming, delightful people who are a pleasure to spend time with. |
| I never set out with the intention of becoming a care worker. Sometimes life presents opportunities to help someone, and I decided I would. When an elderly friend’s husband died and she fell apart, I liaised with her family abroad, put her and her belongings on a plane, and helped her through devastating loss and a move to another country at the age of 85. | I never set out with the intention of becoming a care worker. Sometimes life presents opportunities to help someone, and I decided I would. When an elderly friend’s husband died and she fell apart, I liaised with her family abroad, put her and her belongings on a plane, and helped her through devastating loss and a move to another country at the age of 85. |
| Something throughout this process connected with a part of my nature: the need to be needed, possibly, and to utilise the nuts and bolts of a psychology degree. Put simply I found it satisfying to help someone who was very much alone and needed an unconditional support system. | Something throughout this process connected with a part of my nature: the need to be needed, possibly, and to utilise the nuts and bolts of a psychology degree. Put simply I found it satisfying to help someone who was very much alone and needed an unconditional support system. |
| A live-in care worker supports the client’s identified needs according to their physical, emotional and mental situation. This can involve everything from helping them out of bed to administering vital medication to helping them do the crossword. Very often a client’s life is sterile, lonely and boring – a good care worker brings the outside world in or assists the client to negotiate the world out there. | A live-in care worker supports the client’s identified needs according to their physical, emotional and mental situation. This can involve everything from helping them out of bed to administering vital medication to helping them do the crossword. Very often a client’s life is sterile, lonely and boring – a good care worker brings the outside world in or assists the client to negotiate the world out there. |
| Even the dubious pleasure of clothes shopping can fall under our remit. When this happens the general intention is to leave the retail outlet with some semblance of sanity. This is not always possible. Random purchases end up having to be returned as the client denies all knowledge of having purchased them. We often accompany clients to functions. We must not look, behave or speak like a care worker. A nonexistent family member would be far more preferable, but more often than not they tend to be busy. | Even the dubious pleasure of clothes shopping can fall under our remit. When this happens the general intention is to leave the retail outlet with some semblance of sanity. This is not always possible. Random purchases end up having to be returned as the client denies all knowledge of having purchased them. We often accompany clients to functions. We must not look, behave or speak like a care worker. A nonexistent family member would be far more preferable, but more often than not they tend to be busy. |
| Often families do not realise how much hurt they can cause their older relatives by not visiting | Often families do not realise how much hurt they can cause their older relatives by not visiting |
| Many of our ageing population now have varying degrees of dementia, which takes “care” to a whole new level. An extraordinary amount of patience is needed: the ability to reassure, deal with constant repetition of stories the client will relay, mood swings, aggression and irrational behaviour – I’ll never forget the time I found an iron in the fridge. Dementia clients tend to lose their self-confidence and know something is not right, but don’t have the capacity to grasp the disintegration of their general cognition. It is a tragic and devastating illness to watch unfold. | Many of our ageing population now have varying degrees of dementia, which takes “care” to a whole new level. An extraordinary amount of patience is needed: the ability to reassure, deal with constant repetition of stories the client will relay, mood swings, aggression and irrational behaviour – I’ll never forget the time I found an iron in the fridge. Dementia clients tend to lose their self-confidence and know something is not right, but don’t have the capacity to grasp the disintegration of their general cognition. It is a tragic and devastating illness to watch unfold. |
| Tact and diplomacy are invaluable assets used on virtually a daily basis. One client insisted on going to her local supermarket at the start of every weekend convinced her guest house was fully booked. In reality, there was no guest house. She lived in a small cottage where there were no guests arriving and they were unlikely to ever again. | Tact and diplomacy are invaluable assets used on virtually a daily basis. One client insisted on going to her local supermarket at the start of every weekend convinced her guest house was fully booked. In reality, there was no guest house. She lived in a small cottage where there were no guests arriving and they were unlikely to ever again. |
| Being a care worker also involves the ability to be polite and courteous at all times. The ability to be a good listener, unflappable and patient enough to deal with irascible family members, mediating family spats and calming ruffled feathers also helps. Mopping up a client’s tears after a family row means that carrying copious quantities of tissues is essential. One of my clients waited until midnight for his errant son to visit to play Scrabble with him – the son never arrived. We played Scrabble instead but I was not his son, so it was meaningless to my client. And yes – only after we’d finished would he go to bed. | Being a care worker also involves the ability to be polite and courteous at all times. The ability to be a good listener, unflappable and patient enough to deal with irascible family members, mediating family spats and calming ruffled feathers also helps. Mopping up a client’s tears after a family row means that carrying copious quantities of tissues is essential. One of my clients waited until midnight for his errant son to visit to play Scrabble with him – the son never arrived. We played Scrabble instead but I was not his son, so it was meaningless to my client. And yes – only after we’d finished would he go to bed. |
| Often families do not realise how much hurt they can cause their older relatives by not visiting. It is truly heartbreaking to see how callous and uncaring they can be. Some do try to take responsibility for their relative’s care, but then the client may reject their visits, phone calls and concern. Or they embellish their medical problems, worrying their families unduly. When families are disinterested, emotionally abusive or controlling to the extent that they upset the client, it is extremely difficult not to get annoyed. And care workers can often take the brunt, being accused by the family of neglecting the client who may just be awkward or stubborn. Like the time when one of my clients refused to have a bath for 10 days and my agency had to intervene. | Often families do not realise how much hurt they can cause their older relatives by not visiting. It is truly heartbreaking to see how callous and uncaring they can be. Some do try to take responsibility for their relative’s care, but then the client may reject their visits, phone calls and concern. Or they embellish their medical problems, worrying their families unduly. When families are disinterested, emotionally abusive or controlling to the extent that they upset the client, it is extremely difficult not to get annoyed. And care workers can often take the brunt, being accused by the family of neglecting the client who may just be awkward or stubborn. Like the time when one of my clients refused to have a bath for 10 days and my agency had to intervene. |
| We are paid around £75 -£100 a day or more depending on whether there are waking nights and personal care involved in the assignment. Our hours are determined by the needs of the client, so usually a 12-hour day with a two-hour break. But in reality, a live-in care worker is on 24-hour standby. The days are so full-on that there is no time to feel lonely. | We are paid around £75 -£100 a day or more depending on whether there are waking nights and personal care involved in the assignment. Our hours are determined by the needs of the client, so usually a 12-hour day with a two-hour break. But in reality, a live-in care worker is on 24-hour standby. The days are so full-on that there is no time to feel lonely. |
| The bedroom you are provided – usually within earshot of the client – ideally has a table, chair, somewhere to store clothes, a comfortable bed, television and in the best cases an en suite. But sometimes they are small, dark, have no cupboards, tatty sheets, and an unpleasant shared bathroom. I do not return to these clients. | The bedroom you are provided – usually within earshot of the client – ideally has a table, chair, somewhere to store clothes, a comfortable bed, television and in the best cases an en suite. But sometimes they are small, dark, have no cupboards, tatty sheets, and an unpleasant shared bathroom. I do not return to these clients. |
| So why do I do it? It is a great privilege to walk into people’s homes, get to know them and win their trust and friendship. And know that you have the ability to sense what they need, whether that is emotional support or simple activities such as going for a walk, visiting a coffee shop or even just cooking a favourite meal, the smallest thing can make a huge difference to their state of being. As they respond to kindness, patience and support, a two-way process evolves, deeply enriching both the lives of the care worker and client. | So why do I do it? It is a great privilege to walk into people’s homes, get to know them and win their trust and friendship. And know that you have the ability to sense what they need, whether that is emotional support or simple activities such as going for a walk, visiting a coffee shop or even just cooking a favourite meal, the smallest thing can make a huge difference to their state of being. As they respond to kindness, patience and support, a two-way process evolves, deeply enriching both the lives of the care worker and client. |
| The money is dreadful. The hours are ridiculous. The rewards are exceptional. | The money is dreadful. The hours are ridiculous. The rewards are exceptional. |
| • Are you a radiologist, a dancer, a pub landlord? We want to hear your candid accounts of what work is really like. Find full details on submitting your story anonymously here | • Are you a radiologist, a dancer, a pub landlord? We want to hear your candid accounts of what work is really like. Find full details on submitting your story anonymously here |
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