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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/05/make-mine-large-buckie-before-they-ban-that-too
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| Make mine a large Buckie before they ban that, too | Make mine a large Buckie before they ban that, too |
| (6 months later) | |
| It has been several weeks now since civic Scotland tried to ban stuff that our betters deem to be bad for us, so a heartfelt thanks to those 70 doctors who want to ban tackling from all schools rugby. In “can’t do” Scotland, it seems, there is hardly an area of our lives where the state’s terms and conditions do not apply. So there is every reason to believe that these doctors, doubtless well meaning (we are the most well-meaning wee country in the world, after all), will succeed in their endeavours to make schools rugby in Scotland a contactless sport. | It has been several weeks now since civic Scotland tried to ban stuff that our betters deem to be bad for us, so a heartfelt thanks to those 70 doctors who want to ban tackling from all schools rugby. In “can’t do” Scotland, it seems, there is hardly an area of our lives where the state’s terms and conditions do not apply. So there is every reason to believe that these doctors, doubtless well meaning (we are the most well-meaning wee country in the world, after all), will succeed in their endeavours to make schools rugby in Scotland a contactless sport. |
| Indeed, you might be tempted to observe that the move follows a successful 20-year pilot scheme with Scotland’s senior international rugby team, such has been its long and steady decline. Who knows, perhaps we could ban all tackling in rugby played anywhere in Scotland and enforce it in the same way that France makes visiting football teams cover up any alcohol advertising on their kit? That would ensure Scotland has a fighting chance of winning a few matches at Murrayfield each season. | Indeed, you might be tempted to observe that the move follows a successful 20-year pilot scheme with Scotland’s senior international rugby team, such has been its long and steady decline. Who knows, perhaps we could ban all tackling in rugby played anywhere in Scotland and enforce it in the same way that France makes visiting football teams cover up any alcohol advertising on their kit? That would ensure Scotland has a fighting chance of winning a few matches at Murrayfield each season. |
| The last couple of weeks have been rich and rewarding ones for Scotland’s health and safety comintern. A couple of shiftless politicians, who have founded an organisation called the Responsible Retailing of Energy Drinks campaign, have called for the sale of brands such as Red Bull and Monster to be restricted to over-16s. Until then, I’d never heard of Monster but it sounds brilliant so I’ll be heading down to the Co-op later today to get in a few cans for a tasting session before it’s put out of reach of the vulnerable, fragile and weak minded. | The last couple of weeks have been rich and rewarding ones for Scotland’s health and safety comintern. A couple of shiftless politicians, who have founded an organisation called the Responsible Retailing of Energy Drinks campaign, have called for the sale of brands such as Red Bull and Monster to be restricted to over-16s. Until then, I’d never heard of Monster but it sounds brilliant so I’ll be heading down to the Co-op later today to get in a few cans for a tasting session before it’s put out of reach of the vulnerable, fragile and weak minded. |
| Monster also sounds like it will go down well mixed with Buckfast, the king of the wreck-the-hoose juices. Buckfast is a tipple I’ve always found to be a refreshing, relatively cheap and harmless pick-me-up after a long day of trying to form opinions for myself. If this Monster drink is found to accelerate Buckfast’s more combustible properties then so much the better. | Monster also sounds like it will go down well mixed with Buckfast, the king of the wreck-the-hoose juices. Buckfast is a tipple I’ve always found to be a refreshing, relatively cheap and harmless pick-me-up after a long day of trying to form opinions for myself. If this Monster drink is found to accelerate Buckfast’s more combustible properties then so much the better. |
| The Scottish government’s prescribed way of escaping Tory austerity measures is to create more jobs in its Holyrood special adviser and spin doctor sector, while growth in executive-ships in our 32 local authorities has also helped offset the effects of the Tories wicked spending cuts. For the rest of us, solace in Buckie’s green and pleasant bottle is an attainable alternative. Any day now, though, the nation’s favourite tonic wine will be the subject of a banning order as the political classes finally succeed in removing it from our reach. | The Scottish government’s prescribed way of escaping Tory austerity measures is to create more jobs in its Holyrood special adviser and spin doctor sector, while growth in executive-ships in our 32 local authorities has also helped offset the effects of the Tories wicked spending cuts. For the rest of us, solace in Buckie’s green and pleasant bottle is an attainable alternative. Any day now, though, the nation’s favourite tonic wine will be the subject of a banning order as the political classes finally succeed in removing it from our reach. |
| And then, of course, because the cops have told us so (and they never tell lies) violent crime in our disadvantaged neighbourhoods will simply disappear. And that means the plods can get back to doing what they do best: stopping and searching law-abiding citizens, snooping on journalists and posing with firearms in shopping centres. | And then, of course, because the cops have told us so (and they never tell lies) violent crime in our disadvantaged neighbourhoods will simply disappear. And that means the plods can get back to doing what they do best: stopping and searching law-abiding citizens, snooping on journalists and posing with firearms in shopping centres. |
| The political classes don’t just want to regulate what we eat and drink and how we choose to play our sports. They now also want to regulate how we think and in what we choose to believe. The Humanist Society of Scotland, an insidious and increasingly powerful lobbying group, now wants to curb the place of religion in schools too as its obsession with wiping out all traces of Christianity in Scottish public life continues. | The political classes don’t just want to regulate what we eat and drink and how we choose to play our sports. They now also want to regulate how we think and in what we choose to believe. The Humanist Society of Scotland, an insidious and increasingly powerful lobbying group, now wants to curb the place of religion in schools too as its obsession with wiping out all traces of Christianity in Scottish public life continues. |
| In vast swaths of our largest cities, we have issues with homelessness, child poverty, violent crime, heart disease and unemployment but these indolent chancers think that banning from our schools any mention of a faith that teaches love, forgiveness and humanity to all mankind is the answer. | In vast swaths of our largest cities, we have issues with homelessness, child poverty, violent crime, heart disease and unemployment but these indolent chancers think that banning from our schools any mention of a faith that teaches love, forgiveness and humanity to all mankind is the answer. |
| There’s also been a move to ban under-18s from using e-cigarettes. Health minister Maureen Watt was reported as saying that almost all of the experts who gave evidence to parliament’s health committee said the bill was necessary and she believed it was a “milestone” and would help people in Scotland live longer, healthier lives. Presumably, she also thinks the ban on under-18s buying real cigarettes will also help Scots live longer, healthier lives too, as well as preventing supermarkets selling cheap booze and trying to cut salt and sugar in food. | There’s also been a move to ban under-18s from using e-cigarettes. Health minister Maureen Watt was reported as saying that almost all of the experts who gave evidence to parliament’s health committee said the bill was necessary and she believed it was a “milestone” and would help people in Scotland live longer, healthier lives. Presumably, she also thinks the ban on under-18s buying real cigarettes will also help Scots live longer, healthier lives too, as well as preventing supermarkets selling cheap booze and trying to cut salt and sugar in food. |
| As Ms Watt and all her other feckless colleagues at Holyrood know, though, this useless tinkering in the lives of mainly poor people will do nothing to help Scots “live longer, healthier lives”. Just as no amount of equality legislation will make us the “fairest wee country in the world”. They all help a little, of course, but this is still a country where the length of the M8 motorway running through Glasgow can take 20 years off your life expectancy and where it’s still virtually impossible to attain a good education if you live in one of the country’s most socially disadvantaged areas. | As Ms Watt and all her other feckless colleagues at Holyrood know, though, this useless tinkering in the lives of mainly poor people will do nothing to help Scots “live longer, healthier lives”. Just as no amount of equality legislation will make us the “fairest wee country in the world”. They all help a little, of course, but this is still a country where the length of the M8 motorway running through Glasgow can take 20 years off your life expectancy and where it’s still virtually impossible to attain a good education if you live in one of the country’s most socially disadvantaged areas. |
| So how dare anyone say that in modern Scotland we are not striving towards a vibrant, enlightened, fair and equal society? Don’t we have all the certificates and legislation to show that in Scotland we “live longer, healthier lives”? Yet, after 17 years of devolved government, the educational attainment gap is still as wide as ever and hundreds of thousands of our poor will go without food, heating or a roof over their heads tonight. Last week, we saw just how committed is our government to its goal of addressing the educational attainment gap when it announced that there was to be a £10m cut in financing a scheme to get children from disadvantaged communities into university. But hey, in Scotland there’s a moratorium on fracking and, just like fracking, reducing inequality in our education system “ain’t happening”. | So how dare anyone say that in modern Scotland we are not striving towards a vibrant, enlightened, fair and equal society? Don’t we have all the certificates and legislation to show that in Scotland we “live longer, healthier lives”? Yet, after 17 years of devolved government, the educational attainment gap is still as wide as ever and hundreds of thousands of our poor will go without food, heating or a roof over their heads tonight. Last week, we saw just how committed is our government to its goal of addressing the educational attainment gap when it announced that there was to be a £10m cut in financing a scheme to get children from disadvantaged communities into university. But hey, in Scotland there’s a moratorium on fracking and, just like fracking, reducing inequality in our education system “ain’t happening”. |
| We’re also building a “state-of-the-art” jail for women and I’m presuming that once built the inmates won’t ever have access to cigarettes, e-cigarettes, Monster, Buckfast, Christianity or fizzy drinks. And all sports will be non-contact. Thus they will be able to go on to “live, longer healthier lives”. Hurrah. | We’re also building a “state-of-the-art” jail for women and I’m presuming that once built the inmates won’t ever have access to cigarettes, e-cigarettes, Monster, Buckfast, Christianity or fizzy drinks. And all sports will be non-contact. Thus they will be able to go on to “live, longer healthier lives”. Hurrah. |