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| The Brexit campaign has divided the nation’s plonkers – so now where do I stand? | |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| The reassuring sight of Michael Gove. The soothing presence of Simon Danczuk. The steadying hand on shoulder that is a social media update from Piers Morgan. All familiar things in a time of crisis, I’m sure you’ll agree. After all, when you’re in the pub, drunkenly opining about the latest political hot potato – something complicated to do with fracking, say, or the intricacies of prison staffing – how well do you really know the facts? Have you been to the library and dusted down the Howard League for Penal Reform’s 2006 report into youth imprisonment? Or have you, like most people in Britain, just glanced at the viewpoint the biggest plonkers of our age are supporting, and then gone with the opposite? | The reassuring sight of Michael Gove. The soothing presence of Simon Danczuk. The steadying hand on shoulder that is a social media update from Piers Morgan. All familiar things in a time of crisis, I’m sure you’ll agree. After all, when you’re in the pub, drunkenly opining about the latest political hot potato – something complicated to do with fracking, say, or the intricacies of prison staffing – how well do you really know the facts? Have you been to the library and dusted down the Howard League for Penal Reform’s 2006 report into youth imprisonment? Or have you, like most people in Britain, just glanced at the viewpoint the biggest plonkers of our age are supporting, and then gone with the opposite? |
| Jeremy Hunt. Louise Mensch. Dan Hodges. Like your old school friend Ian, whose world only touches yours these days via Britain First links on your Facebook feed and the occasional suggestion that we should “castrate muslamic paedos”, these characters serve a vital public service. They are political bellwethers, guiding lights who illuminate the incorrect path more accurately than any deeply held principle or bank of knowledge could. It is a depressing truism that, if it wasn’t for Iain Duncan Smith, this writer would have practically no political opinions whatsoever. I often have to ask myself who I trust more: my own intellect, or the opposite of whatever Duncan Smith has just said to Andrew Neil on the Daily Politics? | Jeremy Hunt. Louise Mensch. Dan Hodges. Like your old school friend Ian, whose world only touches yours these days via Britain First links on your Facebook feed and the occasional suggestion that we should “castrate muslamic paedos”, these characters serve a vital public service. They are political bellwethers, guiding lights who illuminate the incorrect path more accurately than any deeply held principle or bank of knowledge could. It is a depressing truism that, if it wasn’t for Iain Duncan Smith, this writer would have practically no political opinions whatsoever. I often have to ask myself who I trust more: my own intellect, or the opposite of whatever Duncan Smith has just said to Andrew Neil on the Daily Politics? |
| Of course, a small number of issues can be decided from your gut alone. Such things as: should we allow people whose homes we have helped turn into a hellhole into our country so that they don’t have to fly back and be raped and tortured? I like to think that most people don’t need to see where Bill Cash stands on the issue in order to make up their mind (but just in case you do, he’s there for you, dutifully carrying out this public service). In general, though, when an issue leaves us confused and scared, we have for years been able to rely on the majority opinion expressed by this motley crew of throbbers to show us the righteous path. | Of course, a small number of issues can be decided from your gut alone. Such things as: should we allow people whose homes we have helped turn into a hellhole into our country so that they don’t have to fly back and be raped and tortured? I like to think that most people don’t need to see where Bill Cash stands on the issue in order to make up their mind (but just in case you do, he’s there for you, dutifully carrying out this public service). In general, though, when an issue leaves us confused and scared, we have for years been able to rely on the majority opinion expressed by this motley crew of throbbers to show us the righteous path. |
| Until now. Because now we come to perhaps the biggest crisis modern democracy has ever faced. June’s referendum on British membership of the EU is a crisis of democracy not because I worry whether or not we’re truly in control of how wide our bananas are, but because, for the first time in recent memory, there seems to be a general lack of consensus among the UK’s foremost bellwhoppers over what they think is best. Like the worst Stealers Wheel gig in history, you’ve got Oliver Letwin to the left of you and George Galloway to the right. Whose side am I on here, you think: Nigel Farage’s or George Osborne’s? Iain Duncan Smith’s or Theresa May’s? | Until now. Because now we come to perhaps the biggest crisis modern democracy has ever faced. June’s referendum on British membership of the EU is a crisis of democracy not because I worry whether or not we’re truly in control of how wide our bananas are, but because, for the first time in recent memory, there seems to be a general lack of consensus among the UK’s foremost bellwhoppers over what they think is best. Like the worst Stealers Wheel gig in history, you’ve got Oliver Letwin to the left of you and George Galloway to the right. Whose side am I on here, you think: Nigel Farage’s or George Osborne’s? Iain Duncan Smith’s or Theresa May’s? |
| You’re left stranded and forced to try to work through the issues for yourself, which – trust me – is a complete minefield. A vague sense that it is better to be part of a big gang rubs up against blurry concerns about the treatment of Greece until you’re forced to admit that you haven’t got a damn scooby. But with the bellend brigade splintered down the middle and scattered across both sides of the argument, the whole thing has descended into chaos. No wonder Jeremy Corbyn can’t seem to commit to a strong view: he doesn’t want to end up in a photoshoot with his arm around Nicky Morgan, does he? | You’re left stranded and forced to try to work through the issues for yourself, which – trust me – is a complete minefield. A vague sense that it is better to be part of a big gang rubs up against blurry concerns about the treatment of Greece until you’re forced to admit that you haven’t got a damn scooby. But with the bellend brigade splintered down the middle and scattered across both sides of the argument, the whole thing has descended into chaos. No wonder Jeremy Corbyn can’t seem to commit to a strong view: he doesn’t want to end up in a photoshoot with his arm around Nicky Morgan, does he? |
| You can start to get a bit desperate. What does Facebook Friend Ian think, after all? How about that sexy Greek economist who rides around on a motorbike – should I just go with what he’s saying? But what if what he’s saying is the same as what George Osborne is saying, turning everything you held to be true to dust? | You can start to get a bit desperate. What does Facebook Friend Ian think, after all? How about that sexy Greek economist who rides around on a motorbike – should I just go with what he’s saying? But what if what he’s saying is the same as what George Osborne is saying, turning everything you held to be true to dust? |
| To confuse things further, both sides are making all the same arguments, telling us that every conceivable area will be better if we vote for them. Trade will be stronger. Terrorism will be easier to fight. The clouds will be fluffier and bees will say: “Good day, sir.” Both sides have assured me in private conversations that only by voting to remain/leave can I guarantee that Liverpool will win the Premier League title in 2017 thanks to a Jon Flanagan overhead kick in the ninth minute of injury time. | To confuse things further, both sides are making all the same arguments, telling us that every conceivable area will be better if we vote for them. Trade will be stronger. Terrorism will be easier to fight. The clouds will be fluffier and bees will say: “Good day, sir.” Both sides have assured me in private conversations that only by voting to remain/leave can I guarantee that Liverpool will win the Premier League title in 2017 thanks to a Jon Flanagan overhead kick in the ninth minute of injury time. |
| Does this mean one side is lying? Or does it mean that nobody really has the faintest idea? Maybe it leads us to the terrifying conclusion that what UK politics really needs right now is more plonkers. You know, so that we can properly decide matters. They are currently trialling this in the US, and it seems to be working out OK. You definitely know where you stand over there. So I say that it is time for Britain to act. Because when the country’s leading sociopaths can’t all get together and agree on an issue, you know we are heading for the rocks. | Does this mean one side is lying? Or does it mean that nobody really has the faintest idea? Maybe it leads us to the terrifying conclusion that what UK politics really needs right now is more plonkers. You know, so that we can properly decide matters. They are currently trialling this in the US, and it seems to be working out OK. You definitely know where you stand over there. So I say that it is time for Britain to act. Because when the country’s leading sociopaths can’t all get together and agree on an issue, you know we are heading for the rocks. |