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| Every dog has his day — many of them when it comes to the Iditarod | Every dog has his day — many of them when it comes to the Iditarod |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| It’s called “The Last Great Race on Earth” — no, not the Republican presidential quest — and as the arduous Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race treks on, Tuffy the Snow Prince, the outspoken 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch’s sled team, again agreed to Couch Slouch’s request to keep a daily log. | It’s called “The Last Great Race on Earth” — no, not the Republican presidential quest — and as the arduous Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race treks on, Tuffy the Snow Prince, the outspoken 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch’s sled team, again agreed to Couch Slouch’s request to keep a daily log. |
| Here are excerpts of Tuffy’s Iditarod journal: | Here are excerpts of Tuffy’s Iditarod journal: |
| Day 1: They hauled in snow for the start of the race in Anchorage — what is this, Disneyland? . . . I swear I saw a musher load his sled with packages from Amazon. . . . Mushers better unionize before driverless dog sleds become all the rage. . . . My longtime vet retired, another Obamacare casualty. . . . It’s tough sledding out here for all of us, but I’ll still take the Iditarod Trail over I-95 any day of the week. . . . | Day 1: They hauled in snow for the start of the race in Anchorage — what is this, Disneyland? . . . I swear I saw a musher load his sled with packages from Amazon. . . . Mushers better unionize before driverless dog sleds become all the rage. . . . My longtime vet retired, another Obamacare casualty. . . . It’s tough sledding out here for all of us, but I’ll still take the Iditarod Trail over I-95 any day of the week. . . . |
| The secret to my speed? Maple syrup. | The secret to my speed? Maple syrup. |
| Day 2: Sundays are special: We get kibble mixed with chicken fat, along with a nice piece of fresh Arctic char. . . . To be honest, I just want to stay in the race longer than Jeb Bush. . . . If pee freezes before water does, we’re all going to have some urinary tract problems. . . . Glad there’s PED testing this year — last year I saw a Siberian “Extra Husky,” if you know what I mean. . . . | Day 2: Sundays are special: We get kibble mixed with chicken fat, along with a nice piece of fresh Arctic char. . . . To be honest, I just want to stay in the race longer than Jeb Bush. . . . If pee freezes before water does, we’re all going to have some urinary tract problems. . . . Glad there’s PED testing this year — last year I saw a Siberian “Extra Husky,” if you know what I mean. . . . |
| Shouldn’t we be on Alaska’s commemorative quarter? | Shouldn’t we be on Alaska’s commemorative quarter? |
| Day 3: Yeah, I’m somewhat ashamed to say that “Snow Dogs” is our “Citizen Kane”. . . . I’d kill for a Motel 6 just one night. . . . Truth be told, this might be the most gaseous group I’ve ever worked with. . . . They say it’s not gambling, but, hey, SledKings and MusherDuel? Gambling. . . . Trust me, if Ted Cruz had a dog, that puppy would run away from home. . . . | Day 3: Yeah, I’m somewhat ashamed to say that “Snow Dogs” is our “Citizen Kane”. . . . I’d kill for a Motel 6 just one night. . . . Truth be told, this might be the most gaseous group I’ve ever worked with. . . . They say it’s not gambling, but, hey, SledKings and MusherDuel? Gambling. . . . Trust me, if Ted Cruz had a dog, that puppy would run away from home. . . . |
| As Mitch Hedberg used to say, dogs are always in push-up position. | As Mitch Hedberg used to say, dogs are always in push-up position. |
| Day 4: This race is the equivalent of running from Pennsylvania to Florida, and all we get are these dollar-store booties. Where’s Nike when you need them? . . . Toughest part of the trail coming up, Rohn to Nikolai — 75 miles without a fire hydrant. . . . My Uncle Scruffy traveled the minor league sled-dog-race circuit back in the ’90s — “long days, cold nights and no treats,” he told me. . . . | Day 4: This race is the equivalent of running from Pennsylvania to Florida, and all we get are these dollar-store booties. Where’s Nike when you need them? . . . Toughest part of the trail coming up, Rohn to Nikolai — 75 miles without a fire hydrant. . . . My Uncle Scruffy traveled the minor league sled-dog-race circuit back in the ’90s — “long days, cold nights and no treats,” he told me. . . . |
| This year, I’m wearing my “Balto” throwback collar. | This year, I’m wearing my “Balto” throwback collar. |
| Day 5: Believe you me, there’s nothing like an Alaskan malamute making a snow angel. . . . Oscar Robertson thinks sled dogs were tougher in the old days. . . . Port-a-Potty could make a killing if it doubled its inventory and worked this baby. . . . I tell the young pups the same thing every year, and they ignore me: This is a marathon, not a sprint. . . . | |
| A dog team would have gotten Leo DiCaprio away from that bear. | |
| Day 6: In an informal poll of dogs here this week, 71 percent said they would rather live in a rescue shelter than in a Donald Trump property. . . . Hey, dog owners, we know we’re a “good boy,” okay? We get it. Enough. . . . Gotta love the heated turf at the dog park in Nulato. . . . Don’t believe in global warming? Vegas has a team of Portuguese water dogs at 5-2. . . . | |
| I DVR the Westminster dog show every year just so I can delete it. | I DVR the Westminster dog show every year just so I can delete it. |
| Day 7: Yo, mushers, if you’re going to use GPS, can you at least make it a dog’s voice?. . . . Plenty of dogs are fast at the combine, but the Iditarod ain’t held in a dome. . . . Make no bones about it — eventually Uber snowmobiles are going to kill off the dog sled business in Fairbanks. . . . We all rubber-neck when we see a pregnant moose on the way. . . . | |
| For the last time — sleds are pulled by dogs, sleighs are pulled by reindeer. | For the last time — sleds are pulled by dogs, sleighs are pulled by reindeer. |
| Day 8: The distance from Kaltag to Unalakleet is 85 miles, or three Steph Curry jump shots. . . . Unalakleet is very quaint, but it sure could use an 7-Eleven. . . . I know it’s not P.C. to say this, but I am embarrassed for the Jamaican dog sled team. . . . Open secret of the canine world: We actually hate when people pet us. . . . Hope the spectator dogs don’t storm the trail. . . . | Day 8: The distance from Kaltag to Unalakleet is 85 miles, or three Steph Curry jump shots. . . . Unalakleet is very quaint, but it sure could use an 7-Eleven. . . . I know it’s not P.C. to say this, but I am embarrassed for the Jamaican dog sled team. . . . Open secret of the canine world: We actually hate when people pet us. . . . Hope the spectator dogs don’t storm the trail. . . . |
| Day 9: Heard this from a local mutt this morning: “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Juneau.” “Juneau who?” “Juneau who won the Iditarod last year?” | Day 9: Heard this from a local mutt this morning: “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Juneau.” “Juneau who?” “Juneau who won the Iditarod last year?” |
| Q. I’m planning to write the University of Maryland and propose they rename the football stadium after you — are there any skeletons in your closet I need to know about? (Steve Schmidt; Schenectady, N.Y.) | Q. I’m planning to write the University of Maryland and propose they rename the football stadium after you — are there any skeletons in your closet I need to know about? (Steve Schmidt; Schenectady, N.Y.) |
| A. I used to take the display copy of USA Today out of the vending box so people would think it was sold out. | A. I used to take the display copy of USA Today out of the vending box so people would think it was sold out. |
| Q. As March Madness nears, do you think Trump University will finally get an at-large bid to the tournament? (Tom Martella; Washington) | Q. As March Madness nears, do you think Trump University will finally get an at-large bid to the tournament? (Tom Martella; Washington) |
| A. Even though Trump University declared bankruptcy several years back, I believe it remains on NCAA probation through 2022. | A. Even though Trump University declared bankruptcy several years back, I believe it remains on NCAA probation through 2022. |
| Q. As an undisputed authority in both arenas, could you please let us know when the “dollars to donuts” wager ceases to be a favorable one? (Mark Kulzer; Wynantskill, N.Y.) | Q. As an undisputed authority in both arenas, could you please let us know when the “dollars to donuts” wager ceases to be a favorable one? (Mark Kulzer; Wynantskill, N.Y.) |
| A. It’s always a favorable one, particularly when you say, “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that marriage doesn’t last.” | A. It’s always a favorable one, particularly when you say, “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that marriage doesn’t last.” |
| Q. They just found out the dodo bird is smarter than previously thought. Is that true for hockey fans? (Jim Hayes; Haymarket, Va.) | Q. They just found out the dodo bird is smarter than previously thought. Is that true for hockey fans? (Jim Hayes; Haymarket, Va.) |
| A. Pay the man, Shirley. | A. Pay the man, Shirley. |
| You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash! | You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash! |