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| A moment that changed me: when the young man I tried to help took his life | A moment that changed me: when the young man I tried to help took his life |
| (5 months later) | |
| In 1993, much to my family’s surprise, I joined the Metropolitan police as a constable. For me, it was an obvious way to further my desire to support young people. Having spent my childhood helping out my dad at the local youth club, I had seen at first-hand the impact of a guiding force in the life of a young person. | In 1993, much to my family’s surprise, I joined the Metropolitan police as a constable. For me, it was an obvious way to further my desire to support young people. Having spent my childhood helping out my dad at the local youth club, I had seen at first-hand the impact of a guiding force in the life of a young person. |
| The police was never a natural fit for me; I was never very good at taking orders or doing things the traditional way, and my blatant disregard for authority got me into trouble a fair few times. Despite all this I worked my way into my perfect position: as a school and youth liaison officer, my job was to work with young offenders and those at risk of offending. I slipped into the job easily; I loved being around these young people, and formed relationships with them that allowed me to effect change in the way I had always wanted to. | The police was never a natural fit for me; I was never very good at taking orders or doing things the traditional way, and my blatant disregard for authority got me into trouble a fair few times. Despite all this I worked my way into my perfect position: as a school and youth liaison officer, my job was to work with young offenders and those at risk of offending. I slipped into the job easily; I loved being around these young people, and formed relationships with them that allowed me to effect change in the way I had always wanted to. |
| I still remember the day I met Luke (not his real name), a 15-year-old who had several previous police cautions under his belt. I was at a school and he mooned at the office window, just to provoke me. Luke was a character: his mother was a sex worker and his father and older brother were in prison, yet he somehow managed to retain a sense of fun and he was a likable, if cheeky, kid. As the years went by I got to know Luke really well. I saw him as often as once a week, and we tried every intervention to keep him from following his family into prison: nothing worked. | I still remember the day I met Luke (not his real name), a 15-year-old who had several previous police cautions under his belt. I was at a school and he mooned at the office window, just to provoke me. Luke was a character: his mother was a sex worker and his father and older brother were in prison, yet he somehow managed to retain a sense of fun and he was a likable, if cheeky, kid. As the years went by I got to know Luke really well. I saw him as often as once a week, and we tried every intervention to keep him from following his family into prison: nothing worked. |
| His spark dwindled, and his bright blue eyes turned a sallow grey as drugs took hold of him. While I was still fond of him, he had become more of a burden to me now than a bright young boy with a future. The phone in the office would ring and I would know that, yet again, Luke had committed some petty crime – and, yet again, I would be the one dealing with another stream of paperwork concerning a young boy who had sealed his fate. | His spark dwindled, and his bright blue eyes turned a sallow grey as drugs took hold of him. While I was still fond of him, he had become more of a burden to me now than a bright young boy with a future. The phone in the office would ring and I would know that, yet again, Luke had committed some petty crime – and, yet again, I would be the one dealing with another stream of paperwork concerning a young boy who had sealed his fate. |
| The day my life changed was like any other – a normal day in the office and another phone call to collect Luke, who had been arrested for breaching his bail. Exasperated, I sat in the back of a police van, handcuffed to Luke, who resembled a fraction of the bubbly boy I had met a few years earlier. I turned to him and said without thinking, “Luke, why on earth do you do this?” He looked at me and turned his gaze towards the floor. | The day my life changed was like any other – a normal day in the office and another phone call to collect Luke, who had been arrested for breaching his bail. Exasperated, I sat in the back of a police van, handcuffed to Luke, who resembled a fraction of the bubbly boy I had met a few years earlier. I turned to him and said without thinking, “Luke, why on earth do you do this?” He looked at me and turned his gaze towards the floor. |
| “Sarah, what else is there for me? It was obvious which way I was going, long before I met you.” He paused and wiped his eyes. “When people tell you all your life how bad you are, you believe it and there is no way out from there.” I didn’t respond, I don’t know why, maybe I was too cross, maybe there was too much distance now between us, or maybe I just didn’t have a reply that I thought would be helpful. All I know is that I wish I had; because that was the last time I ever saw Luke. He took his life later that day. He wasted his young existence because he couldn’t see a way out; and I, perhaps the last hope for him, didn’t have a response. | “Sarah, what else is there for me? It was obvious which way I was going, long before I met you.” He paused and wiped his eyes. “When people tell you all your life how bad you are, you believe it and there is no way out from there.” I didn’t respond, I don’t know why, maybe I was too cross, maybe there was too much distance now between us, or maybe I just didn’t have a reply that I thought would be helpful. All I know is that I wish I had; because that was the last time I ever saw Luke. He took his life later that day. He wasted his young existence because he couldn’t see a way out; and I, perhaps the last hope for him, didn’t have a response. |
| He couldn’t see a way out and I, perhaps the last hope for him, didn’t have a response | He couldn’t see a way out and I, perhaps the last hope for him, didn’t have a response |
| I didn’t blame myself for Luke; I knew I wasn’t the problem, the system was. The system set up to protect and help Luke had failed him and it had failed me. I was ill-prepared to offer Luke the help he needed, and an overburdened system and mountains of paperwork meant he had fallen through the cracks. And now the job I had once loved felt uncomfortable; I was finding it harder and harder to reconcile the ones we saved with the ones we didn’t. I started to deal with young offenders differently, throwing away the rule book and just asking searching questions about them as people. But the work I was doing, although impactful, was not measurable, and I was soon told to toe the line. I couldn’t. In 2000 I left the police to figure out how to better help young people who felt helpless. | I didn’t blame myself for Luke; I knew I wasn’t the problem, the system was. The system set up to protect and help Luke had failed him and it had failed me. I was ill-prepared to offer Luke the help he needed, and an overburdened system and mountains of paperwork meant he had fallen through the cracks. And now the job I had once loved felt uncomfortable; I was finding it harder and harder to reconcile the ones we saved with the ones we didn’t. I started to deal with young offenders differently, throwing away the rule book and just asking searching questions about them as people. But the work I was doing, although impactful, was not measurable, and I was soon told to toe the line. I couldn’t. In 2000 I left the police to figure out how to better help young people who felt helpless. |
| A year later I set up my own youth coaching business, and 15 years later that business is still going strong. While the work I do now differs wildly from my work in the police, every day I do what I do for Luke and those like him. | A year later I set up my own youth coaching business, and 15 years later that business is still going strong. While the work I do now differs wildly from my work in the police, every day I do what I do for Luke and those like him. |
| Luke could not see a future worth living; he thought he was worthless and had nothing to give to the world. I don’t believe any young person should feel like that. I think every young person has a gift to share, and the job of the adults in their lives is to shine a light on that gift and encourage them to use it. We all owe it to children like Luke to try. | Luke could not see a future worth living; he thought he was worthless and had nothing to give to the world. I don’t believe any young person should feel like that. I think every young person has a gift to share, and the job of the adults in their lives is to shine a light on that gift and encourage them to use it. We all owe it to children like Luke to try. |
| • In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here | • In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here |
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