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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| Introducing Goveland: a bit like Disneyland, but definitely not in Europe | Introducing Goveland: a bit like Disneyland, but definitely not in Europe |
| (4 months later) | |
| Mikey has a dream. A dream where the sun always shines. A dream where children are seen and not heard. A dream where the Germans are festooning us with top of the range BMWs. A dream where the French are showering us with Cristal champagne. A dream where the Greeks are desperate to give us the rest of the Parthenon so that it can be reunited with the Elgin marbles. A dream where the Portuguese are sobbing because they can’t find anything to give us that we actually want. Mikey has a dream of a promised land. And that land is Goveland. | Mikey has a dream. A dream where the sun always shines. A dream where children are seen and not heard. A dream where the Germans are festooning us with top of the range BMWs. A dream where the French are showering us with Cristal champagne. A dream where the Greeks are desperate to give us the rest of the Parthenon so that it can be reunited with the Elgin marbles. A dream where the Portuguese are sobbing because they can’t find anything to give us that we actually want. Mikey has a dream of a promised land. And that land is Goveland. |
| Michael Gove had come to the makeshift headquarters of the Vote Leave campaign in Lambeth to share his dream with a lucky few. A dream that Matthew Elliott, Vote Leave’s chief executive, assured us that historians would be talking about for millennia to come. We lucky, lucky few. As the overheated office fell quiet, Mikey began to channel the wisdom of the ancients. | Michael Gove had come to the makeshift headquarters of the Vote Leave campaign in Lambeth to share his dream with a lucky few. A dream that Matthew Elliott, Vote Leave’s chief executive, assured us that historians would be talking about for millennia to come. We lucky, lucky few. As the overheated office fell quiet, Mikey began to channel the wisdom of the ancients. |
| “I want to take you on a happy journey,” he said, his voice quaking with the power of revelation. “A journey where we will be in control. The remain campaign have said that a Goveland is a land of despair ruled by mad king Boris, a land where potatoes lie rotting in the fields, a land without electricity, a land where the City of London crumbles to dust and we are left to expire unmourned. | “I want to take you on a happy journey,” he said, his voice quaking with the power of revelation. “A journey where we will be in control. The remain campaign have said that a Goveland is a land of despair ruled by mad king Boris, a land where potatoes lie rotting in the fields, a land without electricity, a land where the City of London crumbles to dust and we are left to expire unmourned. |
| “But I saith unto you that this is a lie. Goveland is a land of freedom, a land of hope and glory. A land other nations shall admire from afar. A land that will be just about perfect because we can choose which foreigners we want and which ones we don’t. A land a bit like Australia, only not quite so hot. Or large. Or so far away. A land a bit like Switzerland, only not quite so cold. Or mountainous. Or in the middle of Europe. A land unlike any other land. A land which even the Scots would get round to loving eventually. An island paradise.” | “But I saith unto you that this is a lie. Goveland is a land of freedom, a land of hope and glory. A land other nations shall admire from afar. A land that will be just about perfect because we can choose which foreigners we want and which ones we don’t. A land a bit like Australia, only not quite so hot. Or large. Or so far away. A land a bit like Switzerland, only not quite so cold. Or mountainous. Or in the middle of Europe. A land unlike any other land. A land which even the Scots would get round to loving eventually. An island paradise.” |
| Mikey lowered his eyes and took a slug of water. Goveland was thirsty work. A few of the less trusting voices in the audience asked Mikey for a sign that he wasn’t guilty of the very same thing that he was accusing his opponents of, by peddling a whole lot of wishful thinking. They pointed out that every global economic organisation reckoned that Britain would be a great deal worse off if it embraced Govemania. “There are many who have come to bear false witness against Goveland,” said Mikey. “But we must resist such scaremongering. All you need to do is believe.” | Mikey lowered his eyes and took a slug of water. Goveland was thirsty work. A few of the less trusting voices in the audience asked Mikey for a sign that he wasn’t guilty of the very same thing that he was accusing his opponents of, by peddling a whole lot of wishful thinking. They pointed out that every global economic organisation reckoned that Britain would be a great deal worse off if it embraced Govemania. “There are many who have come to bear false witness against Goveland,” said Mikey. “But we must resist such scaremongering. All you need to do is believe.” |
| There would be no day of judgment if Britain were to free itself of an empire more corrupt than the Hapsburg, Romanov and Ottoman dynasties combined. All talk of triggering article 50, which would give the country two years to get its affairs in order, was just part of the processology associated with the ancien régime. Umpteen ambassadors – well, one who was a bit pissed – had assured him that every country would be falling over itself to offer Goveland new trade deals on far more beneficial terms. Everything could be wrapped up in half an hour over cocktails and a handful of Ferrero Rochers. | There would be no day of judgment if Britain were to free itself of an empire more corrupt than the Hapsburg, Romanov and Ottoman dynasties combined. All talk of triggering article 50, which would give the country two years to get its affairs in order, was just part of the processology associated with the ancien régime. Umpteen ambassadors – well, one who was a bit pissed – had assured him that every country would be falling over itself to offer Goveland new trade deals on far more beneficial terms. Everything could be wrapped up in half an hour over cocktails and a handful of Ferrero Rochers. |
| “But this isn’t just about our green and pleasant Goveland,” Mikey declared, as he approached his triumphant conclusion. “This is about the greatest day in the history of Europe. Once the rest of the EU has seen that the dark forces lurking in every corridor in Brussels can be cast out of their temples, the little peoples of Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Denmark. Poland ...” Mikey scratched his head, desperately trying to remember the names of some other EU countries. “Verily even the Hun and the frogs will rise up against the power-hungry elites and become part of Greater Govelandia. | “But this isn’t just about our green and pleasant Goveland,” Mikey declared, as he approached his triumphant conclusion. “This is about the greatest day in the history of Europe. Once the rest of the EU has seen that the dark forces lurking in every corridor in Brussels can be cast out of their temples, the little peoples of Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Denmark. Poland ...” Mikey scratched his head, desperately trying to remember the names of some other EU countries. “Verily even the Hun and the frogs will rise up against the power-hungry elites and become part of Greater Govelandia. |
| Mikey paused, suspecting that there might be something a little wrong with the logic of every Goveland having a better trade agreement than every other Goveland, but decided against spoiling the moment. “A vote to leave is not just a vote to liberate a country; it is a vote to liberate the entire world. Rise up! You have nothing to lose but your MEP! My name is Goveymandias, king of kings. Look on my works ye mighty and despair.” | Mikey paused, suspecting that there might be something a little wrong with the logic of every Goveland having a better trade agreement than every other Goveland, but decided against spoiling the moment. “A vote to leave is not just a vote to liberate a country; it is a vote to liberate the entire world. Rise up! You have nothing to lose but your MEP! My name is Goveymandias, king of kings. Look on my works ye mighty and despair.” |