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White knights of band Brexit charge in to EU debate with comic effect White knights of band Brexit charge in to EU debate with comic effect
(35 minutes later)
Given enough time, there’s a fair chance the leave campaign would vote to leave itself. After weeks of trying to get both Vote Leave and Leave.EU into the same room, the Treasury select committee bowed to the inevitable. All attempts at mediation having failed, Andrew Tyrie, the committee chair, finally granted a decree nisi. Though not before hearing mitigation from one of the fratricidal parties.Given enough time, there’s a fair chance the leave campaign would vote to leave itself. After weeks of trying to get both Vote Leave and Leave.EU into the same room, the Treasury select committee bowed to the inevitable. All attempts at mediation having failed, Andrew Tyrie, the committee chair, finally granted a decree nisi. Though not before hearing mitigation from one of the fratricidal parties.
“Yeah but no but yeah but Vote Leave is just the Eurosceptic wing of the Tory party and Lord Elliott of Loserville is just a loser and the electoral commission was a stitch up and Dominic Cummings is basically a bastard and my Mum says she saw Govey nicking some sweets from the canteen,” said Arron Banks, the insurance millionaire and co-founder of Leave.EU, which came off second best in the custody battle for recognition as the official leave campaign.“Yeah but no but yeah but Vote Leave is just the Eurosceptic wing of the Tory party and Lord Elliott of Loserville is just a loser and the electoral commission was a stitch up and Dominic Cummings is basically a bastard and my Mum says she saw Govey nicking some sweets from the canteen,” said Arron Banks, the insurance millionaire and co-founder of Leave.EU, which came off second best in the custody battle for recognition as the official leave campaign.
Tyrie smiled indulgently. It was good to allow people let off steam. Once Banks had returned to room temperature, Tyrie pointed him in the direction of the Leave.EU website. There were two separate figures of £14bn and £12bn listed as the cost to the exchequer of Britain’s EU membership: which one – if either – was correct?Tyrie smiled indulgently. It was good to allow people let off steam. Once Banks had returned to room temperature, Tyrie pointed him in the direction of the Leave.EU website. There were two separate figures of £14bn and £12bn listed as the cost to the exchequer of Britain’s EU membership: which one – if either – was correct?
“Let me say it’s definitely not the £19bn that Dominic Cummings mentioned in his evidence to you last week because that’s just disingenuous as £5bn never leaves the country and I would never tell a lie and my Gran says that maybe I should get some clarification,” Banks explained. It was always going to be a very low bar to sound more credible than Cummings had the week before, but it was still a hurdle worth clearing early on in the proceedings.“Let me say it’s definitely not the £19bn that Dominic Cummings mentioned in his evidence to you last week because that’s just disingenuous as £5bn never leaves the country and I would never tell a lie and my Gran says that maybe I should get some clarification,” Banks explained. It was always going to be a very low bar to sound more credible than Cummings had the week before, but it was still a hurdle worth clearing early on in the proceedings.
Having soared over the bar at the first attempt, Banks felt free to muddy the waters. Conservative Chris Philp wondered if Vote.Leave’s figures of £12 or £14bn weren’t a bit misleading because they assumed that the government would stop paying subsidies to farmers.Having soared over the bar at the first attempt, Banks felt free to muddy the waters. Conservative Chris Philp wondered if Vote.Leave’s figures of £12 or £14bn weren’t a bit misleading because they assumed that the government would stop paying subsidies to farmers.
“Yeah but no but yeah but your putting words into my mouth,” said Banks. “Yeah but no but yeah but you’re putting words into my mouth,” said Banks.
“Isn’t the actual figure more like £8bn?”“Isn’t the actual figure more like £8bn?”
“Yeah but no but yeah but no.”“Yeah but no but yeah but no.”
“We did ask you to provide this information,” Tyrie interrupted.“We did ask you to provide this information,” Tyrie interrupted.
“Yeah but no but yeah but we never got the request,” Banks insisted.“Yeah but no but yeah but we never got the request,” Banks insisted.
Philp moved on to the regulatory costs of membership of the EU. Was it not true that many of these costs would continue regardless of whether we were in the EU?Philp moved on to the regulatory costs of membership of the EU. Was it not true that many of these costs would continue regardless of whether we were in the EU?
“Yeah but no but yeah but figures are unknown but my sister says it’s around £33bn,” Banks said.“Yeah but no but yeah but figures are unknown but my sister says it’s around £33bn,” Banks said.
“Open Europe says the maximum figure is £24 bn.” “Open Europe says the maximum figure is £24bn.”
“Yeah but no but yeah but that’s still big.”“Yeah but no but yeah but that’s still big.”
“That depends on the benefits. Are you pleading ignorance?”“That depends on the benefits. Are you pleading ignorance?”
“I’m not pleading ignorance,” Richard Tice, the other co-founder of Leave.EU, interrupted, getting a word in edgeways for the first time.“I’m not pleading ignorance,” Richard Tice, the other co-founder of Leave.EU, interrupted, getting a word in edgeways for the first time.
“I’m pleading ignorance,” Banks interrupted the interruption. “And in any case yeah but no but yeah but Open Europe is wrong anyway.”“I’m pleading ignorance,” Banks interrupted the interruption. “And in any case yeah but no but yeah but Open Europe is wrong anyway.”
“That’s something you may want to take up with the Bank of England,” Tyrie suggested helpfully. “Though if it’s any comfort, you’re in good company with Boris Johnson by not being in command of the figures.”“That’s something you may want to take up with the Bank of England,” Tyrie suggested helpfully. “Though if it’s any comfort, you’re in good company with Boris Johnson by not being in command of the figures.”
Labour’s Rachel Reeves was keen to find out if Banks still stood by his assertion that the Treasury’s estimate of every household being £4,300 worse if Britain was to leave the EU was bargain basement price worth paying. Labour’s Rachel Reeves was keen to find out if Banks still stood by his assertion that the Treasury’s estimate of every household being £4,300 worse off if Britain was to leave the EU was a bargain basement price worth paying.
“Yeah but no but yeah but the Treasury’s figures are always wrong but even if they were right yeah but no but yeah then yes, duh, people didn’t fight on the beaches of Normandy asking if it was worth £2,000 and...”“Yeah but no but yeah but the Treasury’s figures are always wrong but even if they were right yeah but no but yeah then yes, duh, people didn’t fight on the beaches of Normandy asking if it was worth £2,000 and...”
“What about interest rates?”“What about interest rates?”
domm“What about them? Basically they will stay the same because yeah but no but yeah my mate Keith says we’re all buggered anyway. Excuse my language.” “What about them? Basically they will stay the same because yeah but no but yeah my mate Keith says we’re all buggered anyway. Excuse my language.”
Thereafter things became increasingly surreal. The White knights of band Brexit charge in with comic effect, the IMF, the EU – everyone in the world basically – was engaged in an establishment plot to deprive British people of the natural right to be British and if we weren’t careful we soon wouldn’t exist. Thereafter things became increasingly surreal. The white knights of band Brexit charged in with comic effect: the IMF, the EU – everyone in the world basically – was engaged in an establishment plot to deprive British people of the natural right to be British and if we weren’t careful we soon wouldn’t exist.
Labour’s Helen Goodman wondered if owning a few diamond mines, an Isle of Man insurance company, a property empire and between them being worth hundreds of millions didn’t make them part of the establishment. “It says here that you’re president of Valley National Banking Corporation and a partner in Tice Farms,” she observed. Labour’s Helen Goodman wondered if owning a few diamond mines, an Isle of Man insurance company, a property empire and being worth hundreds of millions between them didn’t make them part of the establishment. “It says here that you’re president of Valley National Banking Corporation and a partner in Tice Farms,” she observed.
“I never am,” Tice snapped. “Who told you that?”“I never am,” Tice snapped. “Who told you that?”
“You did. It’s in the biography you provided to the committee.”“You did. It’s in the biography you provided to the committee.”
We never did get to the bottom of that one though, after coming across yet another report on the Leave.EU that neither of the co-founders had read, we did discover that President Obama was a liar. Banks knew that was true because his son had said so during his Monday evening piano lesson. We never did get to the bottom of that one, though after coming across yet another report on the Leave.EU website that neither of the co-founders had read we did discover that President Obama was a liar. Banks knew that was true because his son had said so during his Monday evening piano lesson.
“Besides,” Tice observed, searching vainly for gravitas. “Ted Cruz said we would be in the front of the queue for any trade deals.” Jacob Rees-Mogg, the only pro-Brexit member of the committee, threw in the towel at that point.“Besides,” Tice observed, searching vainly for gravitas. “Ted Cruz said we would be in the front of the queue for any trade deals.” Jacob Rees-Mogg, the only pro-Brexit member of the committee, threw in the towel at that point.
But Banks was not yet done. “Not that we need any trade deals yeah but no but yeah because Brexit is like the Black Death,” he said.But Banks was not yet done. “Not that we need any trade deals yeah but no but yeah because Brexit is like the Black Death,” he said.
“Thank you for coming,” said Tyrie. “You’ve been very entertaining.”“Thank you for coming,” said Tyrie. “You’ve been very entertaining.”