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| I questioned my ability as a nurse after seeing my first patient die | I questioned my ability as a nurse after seeing my first patient die |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| I remember the first time I witnessed a death. As a student nurse on my first acute ward placement, I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid the experience, yet I still felt so unprepared. I stood at the patient’s bedside staring. | I remember the first time I witnessed a death. As a student nurse on my first acute ward placement, I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid the experience, yet I still felt so unprepared. I stood at the patient’s bedside staring. |
| As she repeatedly cried out “I want to go home, I want to go home”, I was filled with powerlessness. The only reassurance I could provide was that she was in a safe place and that I was there for her. Where were her relatives? Would I be the last person this patient would see? | As she repeatedly cried out “I want to go home, I want to go home”, I was filled with powerlessness. The only reassurance I could provide was that she was in a safe place and that I was there for her. Where were her relatives? Would I be the last person this patient would see? |
| I made my excuses to leave, turned a corner into the secretary’s office and burst into tears | |
| As her breathing became more laboured – a phenomenon known as Cheyne-Stoking to the medical world – I held her hand and stood within eyesight, trying to provide as much comfort as an unfamiliar face can. First, the cries became weaker, and eventually her breathing ceased. The body made a sigh-like sound as the last bit of air escaped from the lungs, and then I was alone, my brain tricking me into seeing movements that weren’t there. | As her breathing became more laboured – a phenomenon known as Cheyne-Stoking to the medical world – I held her hand and stood within eyesight, trying to provide as much comfort as an unfamiliar face can. First, the cries became weaker, and eventually her breathing ceased. The body made a sigh-like sound as the last bit of air escaped from the lungs, and then I was alone, my brain tricking me into seeing movements that weren’t there. |
| No training could have readied me for the experience of being with someone at the point of death. This first-hand encounter showed me the reality. You feel sorrow at an impending death and you mourn the loss of someone you barely knew. | No training could have readied me for the experience of being with someone at the point of death. This first-hand encounter showed me the reality. You feel sorrow at an impending death and you mourn the loss of someone you barely knew. |
| It forces you to question your own mortality. To a layperson, the process of dying is an unknown territory, something feared and not understood. To a nurse, it is a steep learning curve. | It forces you to question your own mortality. To a layperson, the process of dying is an unknown territory, something feared and not understood. To a nurse, it is a steep learning curve. |
| When I qualified, death presented an additional challenge – communicating with family members. The first time I had to break the bad news, I did not cope well. The passing had been unexpected and again, I felt unprepared. After leading a grief-stricken family to their deceased loved one, I made my excuses to leave, turned a corner into the secretary’s office and burst into tears. The room was occupied, and in an effort to make sense of my thoughts I questioned my management of the situation aloud. | When I qualified, death presented an additional challenge – communicating with family members. The first time I had to break the bad news, I did not cope well. The passing had been unexpected and again, I felt unprepared. After leading a grief-stricken family to their deceased loved one, I made my excuses to leave, turned a corner into the secretary’s office and burst into tears. The room was occupied, and in an effort to make sense of my thoughts I questioned my management of the situation aloud. |
| Had my emotions weakened my ability to be a nurse? If I couldn’t control my own grief, how could I support the family? Memories of bereavement and palliative care study days came flooding back. But with limited experience, this information meant nothing. Reluctantly, I departed my safe haven to confront my fears again. I bumbled my way through the morning, darting in and out of the relatives’ room attempting to answer questions and trying – unsuccessfully – to provide consolation. | Had my emotions weakened my ability to be a nurse? If I couldn’t control my own grief, how could I support the family? Memories of bereavement and palliative care study days came flooding back. But with limited experience, this information meant nothing. Reluctantly, I departed my safe haven to confront my fears again. I bumbled my way through the morning, darting in and out of the relatives’ room attempting to answer questions and trying – unsuccessfully – to provide consolation. |
| Nothing I said could erase the family’s pain – everything sounded so rehearsed. How could I display the sincerity of my sorrow without letting my guard down? | Nothing I said could erase the family’s pain – everything sounded so rehearsed. How could I display the sincerity of my sorrow without letting my guard down? |
| As I led the family out of the ward, I looked the patient’s wife in the eye, held her arm, and said: “I am so sorry.” She nodded, eyes brimming with tears, and walked down the corridor. I returned to the ward and reflected. Would I be able to cope with future years of nursing if grieving was my only way of dealing with death? | As I led the family out of the ward, I looked the patient’s wife in the eye, held her arm, and said: “I am so sorry.” She nodded, eyes brimming with tears, and walked down the corridor. I returned to the ward and reflected. Would I be able to cope with future years of nursing if grieving was my only way of dealing with death? |
| Related: I am dying and I want everyone to talk about it | Related: I am dying and I want everyone to talk about it |
| Further on in my career, I still don’t know the answer and I’m not sure I ever will. But I have learned that it is acceptable to grieve as it clears a path to empathy. The process of experiencing anguish from the perspective of a patient or relative means that sentiments can remain situational, something that can be left behind at the end of a shift. Dissociation is central to survival as a nurse – but it does not come naturally. | |
| With only a few years of post-qualification experience behind me, I sometimes find myself too engaged in a situation to compartmentalise my emotions. It is then that I have to pause and remind myself that although I am a nurse, I am still a human. | With only a few years of post-qualification experience behind me, I sometimes find myself too engaged in a situation to compartmentalise my emotions. It is then that I have to pause and remind myself that although I am a nurse, I am still a human. |
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