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| How to talk to someone with anxiety | How to talk to someone with anxiety |
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| We live surrounded by anxiety. New research published in the journal Brain and Behaviour found that in 2013 there were an estimated 8.2m cases of anxiety in the UK. Women are nearly twice as likely to experience anxiety as men. So how can you help a loved one who experiences it? | We live surrounded by anxiety. New research published in the journal Brain and Behaviour found that in 2013 there were an estimated 8.2m cases of anxiety in the UK. Women are nearly twice as likely to experience anxiety as men. So how can you help a loved one who experiences it? |
| We recently ran a piece asking people who live with anxiety to tell us what not to say to them. This time we asked what people should say or do to make their condition more bearable. | We recently ran a piece asking people who live with anxiety to tell us what not to say to them. This time we asked what people should say or do to make their condition more bearable. |
| Elizabeth Yarlott, 24, London: Sometimes the best thing is just a cuddle | Elizabeth Yarlott, 24, London: Sometimes the best thing is just a cuddle |
| Supporting someone who has anxiety means treading a fine line between being patronising and sympathetic. It is easy to feel misunderstood when you show no obvious physical symptoms and yet your entire body feels wrong. I have often snapped at people out of frustration, feeling that they couldn’t possibly understand. | Supporting someone who has anxiety means treading a fine line between being patronising and sympathetic. It is easy to feel misunderstood when you show no obvious physical symptoms and yet your entire body feels wrong. I have often snapped at people out of frustration, feeling that they couldn’t possibly understand. |
| It can be helpful to remind someone of what is happening to their body – that it is scary, but not dangerous, and will pass. For example, I find it soothing to be reassured that the loss of vision I experience is due to the tunnel vision involved in the fight or flight response and that the numbness and tingling I feel is due to my blood flooding to my vital organs. I was first told this by a psychiatrist, and I find it immensely helpful to talk it through with someone when I am in the grips of anxiety. | It can be helpful to remind someone of what is happening to their body – that it is scary, but not dangerous, and will pass. For example, I find it soothing to be reassured that the loss of vision I experience is due to the tunnel vision involved in the fight or flight response and that the numbness and tingling I feel is due to my blood flooding to my vital organs. I was first told this by a psychiatrist, and I find it immensely helpful to talk it through with someone when I am in the grips of anxiety. |
| My boyfriend Charlie continues to help me every day. When my low-level symptoms still bother me, he has an amazing ability to make me laugh, which feels like the ultimate victory over my condition. In small ways he has helped me see that anxiety is not something that defines me. I used to complain to him about my chronic dizziness, desperately trying to explain what it felt like. One day he told me I had the “collywobbles”, which made me laugh, and gave me a funny way of referring to it. It is difficult to feel frightened of something if it sounds ridiculous. However, responding to anxiety with humour is a risky approach, and I would only recommend it if you are very close to the person and have given them the time and space to complain when they need to. Sometimes the best thing is just a cuddle. | |
| In all, I would have to say that patience and understanding are key , and their value cannot be underestimated. Gentle reminders that anxiety will pass and can be managed can be very helpful – as I say to myself on a daily basis, “worse things happen at sea”. | In all, I would have to say that patience and understanding are key , and their value cannot be underestimated. Gentle reminders that anxiety will pass and can be managed can be very helpful – as I say to myself on a daily basis, “worse things happen at sea”. |
| Peggy Turner, 28, Michigan, US: Giving me time alone allows me to process what is going on | Peggy Turner, 28, Michigan, US: Giving me time alone allows me to process what is going on |
| I rate my anxiety on a scale of one to 10: one being when I am not feeling anxious and 10 being panic attack level. When it’s this bad I go to hospital for breathing treatments because I’ve hyperventilated for too long. If I am feeling above level seven then I take my medicine. One to six and I will get a hug from my husband, or go for a walk with my dog. My husband used to work in a mental health clinic and is very sensitive and supportive. | I rate my anxiety on a scale of one to 10: one being when I am not feeling anxious and 10 being panic attack level. When it’s this bad I go to hospital for breathing treatments because I’ve hyperventilated for too long. If I am feeling above level seven then I take my medicine. One to six and I will get a hug from my husband, or go for a walk with my dog. My husband used to work in a mental health clinic and is very sensitive and supportive. |
| On a level seven or above day, I get sharp pain in my chest, under the sternum in my heart. My breathing is shallow and it hurts to take deep breaths. It feels like I have been held under water for too long, but I can’t catch my breath to recover. | On a level seven or above day, I get sharp pain in my chest, under the sternum in my heart. My breathing is shallow and it hurts to take deep breaths. It feels like I have been held under water for too long, but I can’t catch my breath to recover. |
| What helps me the most when I feel like this is space and understanding. Someone asking “Can I get you anything?” is much better than them asking “What is wrong?”. There isn’t anything “wrong” most of the time. Give me the opportunity to vocalise exactly what I may need (which varies depending on what triggered my panic attack) prevents me from feeling suffocated. Sometimes I’ll ask for a hug and other times I’ll simply ask for a glass of water. Giving me time alone allows me to process what is going on quicker (and without pressure) so I can get back to being the person you recognise and love. | What helps me the most when I feel like this is space and understanding. Someone asking “Can I get you anything?” is much better than them asking “What is wrong?”. There isn’t anything “wrong” most of the time. Give me the opportunity to vocalise exactly what I may need (which varies depending on what triggered my panic attack) prevents me from feeling suffocated. Sometimes I’ll ask for a hug and other times I’ll simply ask for a glass of water. Giving me time alone allows me to process what is going on quicker (and without pressure) so I can get back to being the person you recognise and love. |
| I think many confuse anxiety with discomfort. You can be worried about a future scenario without actually being diagnosed with anxiety. It’s not just being uncomfortable or awkward in social situations. It’s illogical and outside of your control. | I think many confuse anxiety with discomfort. You can be worried about a future scenario without actually being diagnosed with anxiety. It’s not just being uncomfortable or awkward in social situations. It’s illogical and outside of your control. |
| Paul Culshaw, 32, Liverpool: You don’t have to understand it, but just the fact that you’re trying is beyond helpful | Paul Culshaw, 32, Liverpool: You don’t have to understand it, but just the fact that you’re trying is beyond helpful |
| What’s the best way to help someone who is experiencing anxiety? Listen. Their brain is probably communicating to them lots of irrational thoughts – many they might be scared of sharing for fear of sounding like they’re going mad. You don’t even have to understand what they are experiencing but just the fact that you’re trying is beyond helpful. | What’s the best way to help someone who is experiencing anxiety? Listen. Their brain is probably communicating to them lots of irrational thoughts – many they might be scared of sharing for fear of sounding like they’re going mad. You don’t even have to understand what they are experiencing but just the fact that you’re trying is beyond helpful. |
| Be their calm in their storm. Remind them they are in a safe space or if they don’t feel they are perhaps take them somewhere where they feel more so. Tell them you are with them and even though they might feel trapped frightened or very alone remind them you are in this together. | Be their calm in their storm. Remind them they are in a safe space or if they don’t feel they are perhaps take them somewhere where they feel more so. Tell them you are with them and even though they might feel trapped frightened or very alone remind them you are in this together. |
| Don’t look for patterns; sometimes an attack can make me claustrophobic and I need to get out and get some fresh air. Other times I can feel agoraphobic and want to stay indoors. There isn’t really a consistency you can predict. | Don’t look for patterns; sometimes an attack can make me claustrophobic and I need to get out and get some fresh air. Other times I can feel agoraphobic and want to stay indoors. There isn’t really a consistency you can predict. |
| What really used to help was when my good friend who I lived with came to understand my erratic behaviours. If I needed to leave a cinema, she knew. If I needed to pace up and down the living room, she let me get on with it. If I needed to go and lie down and be on my own for a while she was fine with that. At times like this you can feel like your behaviour makes you look a bit mad but she never made me feel that way and that’s amazing. | What really used to help was when my good friend who I lived with came to understand my erratic behaviours. If I needed to leave a cinema, she knew. If I needed to pace up and down the living room, she let me get on with it. If I needed to go and lie down and be on my own for a while she was fine with that. At times like this you can feel like your behaviour makes you look a bit mad but she never made me feel that way and that’s amazing. |
| Anna Muller, 21, Cape Town: My mother helped me hugely by being supportive about my decision to take medication | Anna Muller, 21, Cape Town: My mother helped me hugely by being supportive about my decision to take medication |
| It’s helpful when someone shows you they know the anxiety you experience is serious and can be debilitating. Anxiety disorders are internal struggles, being able to recognise that (despite not being able to see any physical symptoms), it’s serious is vital. Don’t say, “Oh, I get stressed too” but rather say, “I am sorry to hear that you struggle with anxiety. I hear that it isn’t easy to live with.” | It’s helpful when someone shows you they know the anxiety you experience is serious and can be debilitating. Anxiety disorders are internal struggles, being able to recognise that (despite not being able to see any physical symptoms), it’s serious is vital. Don’t say, “Oh, I get stressed too” but rather say, “I am sorry to hear that you struggle with anxiety. I hear that it isn’t easy to live with.” |
| Seeking professional help has been the biggest step forward for me Talk to your doctor about how you feel and see if they can recommend a psychologist. Before I started therapy I was very mindful of my anxiety which made it worse. Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. The second is talking to someone about it. My boyfriend knew I had severe anxiety. I was diagnosed when I went to a doctor thinking I had thyroid problems. After numerous tests my symptoms turned out to be anxiety driven. The next step was making a plan with my doctor to see a psychologist and get some medication. | Seeking professional help has been the biggest step forward for me Talk to your doctor about how you feel and see if they can recommend a psychologist. Before I started therapy I was very mindful of my anxiety which made it worse. Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. The second is talking to someone about it. My boyfriend knew I had severe anxiety. I was diagnosed when I went to a doctor thinking I had thyroid problems. After numerous tests my symptoms turned out to be anxiety driven. The next step was making a plan with my doctor to see a psychologist and get some medication. |
| It’s important to let your friends and family know what you’re going through so that they can help by giving support when you need it. If you know someone who is seeking medical help for an anxiety disorder, don’t act surprised because you think that they seem fine. You don’t know how they feel. It’s important for your friends and family to be supportive of your choices to see a therapist or doctor, otherwise it takes a negative toll on you. | It’s important to let your friends and family know what you’re going through so that they can help by giving support when you need it. If you know someone who is seeking medical help for an anxiety disorder, don’t act surprised because you think that they seem fine. You don’t know how they feel. It’s important for your friends and family to be supportive of your choices to see a therapist or doctor, otherwise it takes a negative toll on you. |
| My mother and boyfriend have helped me hugely by being supportive regarding my decision to take medication for the disorder. And my therapist and doctor have too, because they both made me feel positive that I could one day get over the disorder. | My mother and boyfriend have helped me hugely by being supportive regarding my decision to take medication for the disorder. And my therapist and doctor have too, because they both made me feel positive that I could one day get over the disorder. |
| Jamie Christopher, 39, Leicestershire: Get the person to separate what is real from what it has snowballed into | Jamie Christopher, 39, Leicestershire: Get the person to separate what is real from what it has snowballed into |
| The best things you can say involve getting the person to separate what is real from what it has snowballed into. It is good to rationalise things, for example a person in the midst of a panic attack may well feel that they will die, you need to get them to see the reality of what is happening. Help them realise that they aren’t going to die, and that they never died in previous panic attacks no matter how intense their feelings got. | The best things you can say involve getting the person to separate what is real from what it has snowballed into. It is good to rationalise things, for example a person in the midst of a panic attack may well feel that they will die, you need to get them to see the reality of what is happening. Help them realise that they aren’t going to die, and that they never died in previous panic attacks no matter how intense their feelings got. |
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