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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2016/jun/15/never-mind-immigrants-lets-clamp-down-on-diamondback-moths
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| Never mind immigrants, let’s clamp down on nasty Euro moths! Never mind immigrants, let’s clamp down on nasty Euro moths! | |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| With all the frantic panic going on around the EU referendum next week, it’s easy to overlook the fact that this is a distraction from the real issue. Never mind immigration, or terrorism, or economic concerns, or who controls what; the real danger facing the UK at the moment? Moths! Millions and millions of greedy selfish European Diamondback moths are set to invade our glorious land, devouring our crops, hassling our women, taking our jobs and claiming benefits. | With all the frantic panic going on around the EU referendum next week, it’s easy to overlook the fact that this is a distraction from the real issue. Never mind immigration, or terrorism, or economic concerns, or who controls what; the real danger facing the UK at the moment? Moths! Millions and millions of greedy selfish European Diamondback moths are set to invade our glorious land, devouring our crops, hassling our women, taking our jobs and claiming benefits. |
| You won’t have heard a peep about this from the government though, thanks to the liberal pro-moth lefty PC agenda that controls our media for some reason despite us having the most right-wing government for a generation. You can’t argue with the facts! Unless they’re facts you don’t agree with, in which case argue all you want. Fill your boots. Whatever happened to free speech? | You won’t have heard a peep about this from the government though, thanks to the liberal pro-moth lefty PC agenda that controls our media for some reason despite us having the most right-wing government for a generation. You can’t argue with the facts! Unless they’re facts you don’t agree with, in which case argue all you want. Fill your boots. Whatever happened to free speech? |
| Where was I? Ah, yes, moths. | Where was I? Ah, yes, moths. |
| Thank God for that bastion of honest reporting and insightful journalism that is The Sun, for having the mothballs big enough to warn us of this new threat from the EU while our elected leaders try and distract us with minor concerns like an economy in meltdown. Churchill wouldn’t have allowed this. He’d have scrambled the RAF at the first sign of the flappy terror appearing over the white cliffs of Dover. | Thank God for that bastion of honest reporting and insightful journalism that is The Sun, for having the mothballs big enough to warn us of this new threat from the EU while our elected leaders try and distract us with minor concerns like an economy in meltdown. Churchill wouldn’t have allowed this. He’d have scrambled the RAF at the first sign of the flappy terror appearing over the white cliffs of Dover. |
| Simply put: you can’t trust moths. What have they ever done for us? They come over here, uninvited, lay about 150 eggs in a single go, eat our cabbages, and even our clothes! You seen those large bins in car parks and supermarkets where you can donate clothes to “charity”? Yeah, right. There is no charity, they’re all fed to the hordes of freeloading moths, kept here at the expense of your taxes. It’s true, because it stands to reason. And it stands to reason because it’s true. That’s not circular reasoning, that’s watertight logic. | Simply put: you can’t trust moths. What have they ever done for us? They come over here, uninvited, lay about 150 eggs in a single go, eat our cabbages, and even our clothes! You seen those large bins in car parks and supermarkets where you can donate clothes to “charity”? Yeah, right. There is no charity, they’re all fed to the hordes of freeloading moths, kept here at the expense of your taxes. It’s true, because it stands to reason. And it stands to reason because it’s true. That’s not circular reasoning, that’s watertight logic. |
| Honestly, what kind of person eats clothes? Sure, the bleeding-heart lefty liberals of the Guardian will say “It’s not a person, it’s a moth! It doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to think like a human. It’s an insect! The most common form of the order Lepidoptera, in fact. Diamondback moths feed exclusively on vegetables in the family Brassicaceae, which includes things like cabbages and sprouts. Some moths seem to eat clothes, but it’s actually the larvae that do that as they grow. Adult moths don’t have the mouth parts needed to eat threads. But never mind all that, who are you? Why are you constantly yelling? And what are you doing in my house?! Get out or I’ll call the police!” | Honestly, what kind of person eats clothes? Sure, the bleeding-heart lefty liberals of the Guardian will say “It’s not a person, it’s a moth! It doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to think like a human. It’s an insect! The most common form of the order Lepidoptera, in fact. Diamondback moths feed exclusively on vegetables in the family Brassicaceae, which includes things like cabbages and sprouts. Some moths seem to eat clothes, but it’s actually the larvae that do that as they grow. Adult moths don’t have the mouth parts needed to eat threads. But never mind all that, who are you? Why are you constantly yelling? And what are you doing in my house?! Get out or I’ll call the police!” |
| Typical lefty nonsense, as ever. | Typical lefty nonsense, as ever. |
| But do you want moths infesting this country, pushing up the house prices and influencing your children? Is that what you want? To end up living next door to a house filled with thousands of moths, and your children to only come out at night to hang upside-down from the ceiling and chew on a cabbage stalk? | But do you want moths infesting this country, pushing up the house prices and influencing your children? Is that what you want? To end up living next door to a house filled with thousands of moths, and your children to only come out at night to hang upside-down from the ceiling and chew on a cabbage stalk? |
| And Diamondback moths? DIAMONDback? They come over here, take our crops and upset our farmers, and they have diamonds on their backs? The most expensive jewel there is? What else, do they have the latest iPhones tucked under their wings too? Do they own a string of houses in Hampstead as well? You know they do. Don’t give me all that “there’s no way any of this could be correct in any logical context whatsoever” talk, it’s about time somebody came forward and spoke the truth about moths. | And Diamondback moths? DIAMONDback? They come over here, take our crops and upset our farmers, and they have diamonds on their backs? The most expensive jewel there is? What else, do they have the latest iPhones tucked under their wings too? Do they own a string of houses in Hampstead as well? You know they do. Don’t give me all that “there’s no way any of this could be correct in any logical context whatsoever” talk, it’s about time somebody came forward and spoke the truth about moths. |
| And these diamondback moths are even pesticide resistant! With typical European arrogance, they refuse to drop dead when exposed to toxic chemicals, like a good honest polite British moth would do. It’s a disgrace, it really is. | And these diamondback moths are even pesticide resistant! With typical European arrogance, they refuse to drop dead when exposed to toxic chemicals, like a good honest polite British moth would do. It’s a disgrace, it really is. |
| So what’s to be done? Well moths are attracted to light (I think), so that explains why they’re drawn to the bright shining beacon of hope and democracy that is the UK. Makes sense. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so we need everyone to shut off their lights when it gets dark. Literally everyone in the country (apart from her majesty the Queen of course). Only then will these flying vermin get the message that they’re not welcome anymore. | So what’s to be done? Well moths are attracted to light (I think), so that explains why they’re drawn to the bright shining beacon of hope and democracy that is the UK. Makes sense. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so we need everyone to shut off their lights when it gets dark. Literally everyone in the country (apart from her majesty the Queen of course). Only then will these flying vermin get the message that they’re not welcome anymore. |
| We also need to step up passport control. Tighter rules need to be brought in; we’re already not allowed to smile or wear glasses in our passport photos, surely they can exclude anyone who has anti-reflective compound eyes? Or is about 2 inches long and has wings and is an insect? How hard can it be? | We also need to step up passport control. Tighter rules need to be brought in; we’re already not allowed to smile or wear glasses in our passport photos, surely they can exclude anyone who has anti-reflective compound eyes? Or is about 2 inches long and has wings and is an insect? How hard can it be? |
| But mark my words, if we don’t make a stand now, we’ll soon be swamped with freeloading moths. Maybe in a year, maybe months, weeks, even… tomorrow? | But mark my words, if we don’t make a stand now, we’ll soon be swamped with freeloading moths. Maybe in a year, maybe months, weeks, even… tomorrow? |
| What do you mean “don’t get in a flap?” Flap? FLAP! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! | What do you mean “don’t get in a flap?” Flap? FLAP! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! |
| Dean Burnett is on Twitter and is currently promoting his latest book The Idiot Brain. Neither contain any mention of moths. | Dean Burnett is on Twitter and is currently promoting his latest book The Idiot Brain. Neither contain any mention of moths. |
| The Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett (Guardian Faber, £12.99). To order a copy for £7.99, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. | The Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett (Guardian Faber, £12.99). To order a copy for £7.99, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. |