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Please, can we stop telling women when to have babies? Please, can we stop telling women when to have babies?
(2 months later)
The last thing women need is anyone else telling them when they should or should not have children. Still, Gillian Lockwood, the medical director of Midland Fertility Services, has done just that. She has advised women to have children early, around the age of 25, because on top of all the other ghastly problems that late motherhood can bring there is another “poignant aspect” we ought consider: we “might lose this wonderful relationship between grandparents and grandchildren”.The last thing women need is anyone else telling them when they should or should not have children. Still, Gillian Lockwood, the medical director of Midland Fertility Services, has done just that. She has advised women to have children early, around the age of 25, because on top of all the other ghastly problems that late motherhood can bring there is another “poignant aspect” we ought consider: we “might lose this wonderful relationship between grandparents and grandchildren”.
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Dr Lockwood is worried that the grandparents will be on their last legs, unable to “take an active part” in their grandchildren’s lives, and the parents will be stuck in a “sandwich generation”, looking after old and young, encumbered by “Zimmer frame-cum-pram-cum-shopping trolley” – and, I suspect, nappies and incontinence pads, perhaps even wheelchair and hoist, all at once.Dr Lockwood is worried that the grandparents will be on their last legs, unable to “take an active part” in their grandchildren’s lives, and the parents will be stuck in a “sandwich generation”, looking after old and young, encumbered by “Zimmer frame-cum-pram-cum-shopping trolley” – and, I suspect, nappies and incontinence pads, perhaps even wheelchair and hoist, all at once.
And she has a point. For statistics show that while the rate of conception among women older than 40 has more than doubled since 1990, with over-35s showing a similar increase, the rate among women under 25 has fallen sharply. Even so, I think Dr Lockwood should stop worrying. Being part of the sandwich generation is not that bad. I know – I’ve done it.And she has a point. For statistics show that while the rate of conception among women older than 40 has more than doubled since 1990, with over-35s showing a similar increase, the rate among women under 25 has fallen sharply. Even so, I think Dr Lockwood should stop worrying. Being part of the sandwich generation is not that bad. I know – I’ve done it.
Better still, stop worrying other women about it. They all know by now, because “experts” have been banging on about it for decades, that it’s more difficult to have children late in life. They don’t need to be reminded. They don’t need any more pressure or hectoring or shaming into hurrying up.Better still, stop worrying other women about it. They all know by now, because “experts” have been banging on about it for decades, that it’s more difficult to have children late in life. They don’t need to be reminded. They don’t need any more pressure or hectoring or shaming into hurrying up.
If women wanted to have children earlier, and could, they would do so. But as the doctor admits herself, it isn’t always possible. They may not be able to afford it. They may not have managed to find a suitable partner, and may not want to have a child alone.If women wanted to have children earlier, and could, they would do so. But as the doctor admits herself, it isn’t always possible. They may not be able to afford it. They may not have managed to find a suitable partner, and may not want to have a child alone.
They may be enormously distressed because the one thing they want in life is a baby: all their friends have one, they feel like outcasts from the best and biggest club in the world, they know all about their biological clock, and they don’t need another expert dredging up more reasons why they shouldn’t wait a minute longer to have one.They may be enormously distressed because the one thing they want in life is a baby: all their friends have one, they feel like outcasts from the best and biggest club in the world, they know all about their biological clock, and they don’t need another expert dredging up more reasons why they shouldn’t wait a minute longer to have one.
I’m rather offended by the suggestion that women who still look “shiny and young” on the outside may “struggle to understand that … their biological clock has aged as normal inside”. I promise you, Doctor, women are not that stupid. We also know that, although it would be very lovely indeed if all parents, children and grandparents got on like a house on fire, often they don’t.I’m rather offended by the suggestion that women who still look “shiny and young” on the outside may “struggle to understand that … their biological clock has aged as normal inside”. I promise you, Doctor, women are not that stupid. We also know that, although it would be very lovely indeed if all parents, children and grandparents got on like a house on fire, often they don’t.
My mother had me when she was 37, I had my daughter when I was 37, and my mother was rather browned off that she had waited until her 70s to have a grandchild. It was worse than that. All through my 20s and early 30s, while her friends’ children were churning out their babies, she would gaze at me tragically, asking, “When am I going to have a grandchild?” The pressure was on, intensely.My mother had me when she was 37, I had my daughter when I was 37, and my mother was rather browned off that she had waited until her 70s to have a grandchild. It was worse than that. All through my 20s and early 30s, while her friends’ children were churning out their babies, she would gaze at me tragically, asking, “When am I going to have a grandchild?” The pressure was on, intensely.
No fertility expert was needed. But luckily, the beloved granddaughter at last arrived, and Grandma remained “active” for another couple of decades. My father lasted until he was 87; my mother batted on until she was 98, and moved in, which put me in what some people witheringly call the “sandwich generation”. Isn’t that just another name for the extended family, in which several generations manage to live together?No fertility expert was needed. But luckily, the beloved granddaughter at last arrived, and Grandma remained “active” for another couple of decades. My father lasted until he was 87; my mother batted on until she was 98, and moved in, which put me in what some people witheringly call the “sandwich generation”. Isn’t that just another name for the extended family, in which several generations manage to live together?
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Anyway we’d better get used to it. Now that people are living so much longer, nursing homes are either closing down, not very pleasant, or prohibitively expensive. Having three generations in one house wasn’t an absolute breeze, but what sort of family life ever is? It worked, even if we did have a fair amount of sulking and screeching.Anyway we’d better get used to it. Now that people are living so much longer, nursing homes are either closing down, not very pleasant, or prohibitively expensive. Having three generations in one house wasn’t an absolute breeze, but what sort of family life ever is? It worked, even if we did have a fair amount of sulking and screeching.
But we were lucky. My mother and father helped me, supported me, never once moaned about me being single, and adored their grandchild. Some parents and children loathe each other. Some mothers resent help or advice from grandmas. Some families simmer with hatred. And some grandparents cannot be fagged with babysitting. Or they may not be able to look after their grandchildren, especially if these children’s mothers have had them early.But we were lucky. My mother and father helped me, supported me, never once moaned about me being single, and adored their grandchild. Some parents and children loathe each other. Some mothers resent help or advice from grandmas. Some families simmer with hatred. And some grandparents cannot be fagged with babysitting. Or they may not be able to look after their grandchildren, especially if these children’s mothers have had them early.
Then the grandparents may still be in their 50s, in their prime, with a lovely job. They may not want, or perhaps cannot afford, to give up work. The last thing they might fancy is babysitting after a hard day at the office. But many have to, because their children can’t manage without them as the cost of childcare is astronomical.Then the grandparents may still be in their 50s, in their prime, with a lovely job. They may not want, or perhaps cannot afford, to give up work. The last thing they might fancy is babysitting after a hard day at the office. But many have to, because their children can’t manage without them as the cost of childcare is astronomical.
Dr Lockwood insists that she understands how “the pressures of modern life” can make women delay childbirth. Quite right. And her lecture is just adding to that pressure.Dr Lockwood insists that she understands how “the pressures of modern life” can make women delay childbirth. Quite right. And her lecture is just adding to that pressure.