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| Nice Mike and birthday boy Boris do their bit for the new, kinder politics | |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| Welcome to the new politics. Rather more chaotic than the old politics. What had been billed as Vote Leave’s last big London rally felt more like a meeting of a local parish council. The problems began at the doors of the old Billingsgate fish market where one organiser tried to turn me away - “You’re not officially accredited” - while another was busy wondering where most of his audience had got to. An IT meltdown meant that the best part of a thousand people had failed to receive any notice of where the event was taking place. Vote leave to take back control of your emails. | Welcome to the new politics. Rather more chaotic than the old politics. What had been billed as Vote Leave’s last big London rally felt more like a meeting of a local parish council. The problems began at the doors of the old Billingsgate fish market where one organiser tried to turn me away - “You’re not officially accredited” - while another was busy wondering where most of his audience had got to. An IT meltdown meant that the best part of a thousand people had failed to receive any notice of where the event was taking place. Vote leave to take back control of your emails. |
| With the event already 20 minutes behind schedule and the couple of hundred psychics to have guessed the location locked outside the auditorium, a slow handclap broke out, prompting a harassed organiser to deliver an impromptu speech. “We are having some technical issues,” he said. “Please be patient, we will be starting as soon as we can.” | With the event already 20 minutes behind schedule and the couple of hundred psychics to have guessed the location locked outside the auditorium, a slow handclap broke out, prompting a harassed organiser to deliver an impromptu speech. “We are having some technical issues,” he said. “Please be patient, we will be starting as soon as we can.” |
| When the doors were finally opened a quarter of an hour later, it became clear what the technical problems were. Someone had hastily had to move the platform for the TV cameras from the back of the room so that no one outside the hall got to see how few people were actually there. That and the chairs. On entering the room everyone had to grab a chair from the back of the room and take it down to the front. Vote leave to take back control of your seating arrangements. | When the doors were finally opened a quarter of an hour later, it became clear what the technical problems were. Someone had hastily had to move the platform for the TV cameras from the back of the room so that no one outside the hall got to see how few people were actually there. That and the chairs. On entering the room everyone had to grab a chair from the back of the room and take it down to the front. Vote leave to take back control of your seating arrangements. |
| Once everyone was in place, the speakers came out to rather less applause than they might have expected. Though it may have sounded louder if you were telepathic. Michael Gove was up first, and though he didn’t mention the killing of Jo Cox, it clearly affected the tone of his speech. Mike was more moderate than in recent weeks, and didn’t even get around to mentioning the £350m-a-week figure that has been the leitmotif of his campaign. This was Nice “I like immigrants” Mike. In some ways, it was even scarier than Nasty Mike. | Once everyone was in place, the speakers came out to rather less applause than they might have expected. Though it may have sounded louder if you were telepathic. Michael Gove was up first, and though he didn’t mention the killing of Jo Cox, it clearly affected the tone of his speech. Mike was more moderate than in recent weeks, and didn’t even get around to mentioning the £350m-a-week figure that has been the leitmotif of his campaign. This was Nice “I like immigrants” Mike. In some ways, it was even scarier than Nasty Mike. |
| Labour’s Kate Hoey was the only speaker to preface her remarks with a tribute to Cox, but having done so she went spectacularly off piste. “The EU is not the majority of Europe,” she insisted. Boris scratched his head. “The EU is a shrinking market that is so small it’s scarcely worth bothering with.” Boris and Nice Mike both scratched their heads. “Leave the EU so we can throw out the government.” Nice Mike led the applause as that’s exactly what he has in mind. Vote leave to take back control of the Conservative party. | Labour’s Kate Hoey was the only speaker to preface her remarks with a tribute to Cox, but having done so she went spectacularly off piste. “The EU is not the majority of Europe,” she insisted. Boris scratched his head. “The EU is a shrinking market that is so small it’s scarcely worth bothering with.” Boris and Nice Mike both scratched their heads. “Leave the EU so we can throw out the government.” Nice Mike led the applause as that’s exactly what he has in mind. Vote leave to take back control of the Conservative party. |
| Priti Patel wisely steered away from economics and stuck to her strong points, mouthing platitudes. “Vote leave to take back control of taking back control.” If only she had stayed that bland, as she then went on to talk about “Putting Britain First”, similar to the words Jo Cox’s alleged killer had used. Crass doesn’t even begin to cover it. | Priti Patel wisely steered away from economics and stuck to her strong points, mouthing platitudes. “Vote leave to take back control of taking back control.” If only she had stayed that bland, as she then went on to talk about “Putting Britain First”, similar to the words Jo Cox’s alleged killer had used. Crass doesn’t even begin to cover it. |
| Then came the wild card. Lance Forman, a fish producer, made a dodgy gag about following Norwegian models, got some cheap boos by mentioning the IMF and delighted in the fact that Brexit would devalue the euro. Vote leave to stick it to the Greeks and the Spaniards. | Then came the wild card. Lance Forman, a fish producer, made a dodgy gag about following Norwegian models, got some cheap boos by mentioning the IMF and delighted in the fact that Brexit would devalue the euro. Vote leave to stick it to the Greeks and the Spaniards. |
| Then came the wilder card. Steve Hilton, David Cameron’s former head of strategy, seemed mostly intent on promoting his new workout plan. He is now so buff and apparently mindless that he looks and sounds like an LA fitness instructor. “If you believe it, you can do it’,” he said, flexing his biceps provocatively. Thanks Steve. The less human Hilton’s big pitch is that we should be more human. Vote leave to take back control of getting a six-pack in 90 days. | Then came the wilder card. Steve Hilton, David Cameron’s former head of strategy, seemed mostly intent on promoting his new workout plan. He is now so buff and apparently mindless that he looks and sounds like an LA fitness instructor. “If you believe it, you can do it’,” he said, flexing his biceps provocatively. Thanks Steve. The less human Hilton’s big pitch is that we should be more human. Vote leave to take back control of getting a six-pack in 90 days. |
| Throughout all this, Boris had looked around absent-mindedly, clutching a book, clearly wishing he was elsewhere on what was his birthday. He began by painting a picture of what Britain might look like on Friday if remain won. Beer cans and hangovers. That was just his bedroom, presumably. Peter Mandelson would be making us joining the euro. Jo Cox’s death has done nothing to curb his imagination, though he did forget to mention that unemployment would be going up by one. | Throughout all this, Boris had looked around absent-mindedly, clutching a book, clearly wishing he was elsewhere on what was his birthday. He began by painting a picture of what Britain might look like on Friday if remain won. Beer cans and hangovers. That was just his bedroom, presumably. Peter Mandelson would be making us joining the euro. Jo Cox’s death has done nothing to curb his imagination, though he did forget to mention that unemployment would be going up by one. |
| Halfway through what was, for him, a strangely underpowered performance, Boris did his bit for the new, kinder politics. “I am going to propose an amnesty on all illegal immigrants,” he said. This provoked a few intakes of breath and only muted applause. A new, kinder politics was all very well but this was taking things a bit far. But everyone left happy enough and were back home in no time. There’s always an upside to a near empty venue. Vote leave to take back control of a quick getaway. | Halfway through what was, for him, a strangely underpowered performance, Boris did his bit for the new, kinder politics. “I am going to propose an amnesty on all illegal immigrants,” he said. This provoked a few intakes of breath and only muted applause. A new, kinder politics was all very well but this was taking things a bit far. But everyone left happy enough and were back home in no time. There’s always an upside to a near empty venue. Vote leave to take back control of a quick getaway. |