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No one has a plan but all will be hunky-dory, say Dave and George No one has a plan but all will be hunky-dory, say Dave and George
(2 months later)
Blue on blue: as Peter Bone shuffled along the benches towards his seat, Nicholas Soames gave him a decidedly unfriendly slap. Red on red: after walking over to shake the hand of Jeremy Corbyn, Dennis Skinner gave the finger to the Labour backbenchers who were doing their best to depose their leader. As David Cameron prepared to try to reassure the nation that everything was basically going to be hunky-dory even though it wasn’t, the Commons was every bit as divided as the rest of the country. From chaos to more chaos.Blue on blue: as Peter Bone shuffled along the benches towards his seat, Nicholas Soames gave him a decidedly unfriendly slap. Red on red: after walking over to shake the hand of Jeremy Corbyn, Dennis Skinner gave the finger to the Labour backbenchers who were doing their best to depose their leader. As David Cameron prepared to try to reassure the nation that everything was basically going to be hunky-dory even though it wasn’t, the Commons was every bit as divided as the rest of the country. From chaos to more chaos.
Before Dave got things under way, the new Labour MP for Tooting, Rosena Allin-Khan, was formally introduced to the house. “Sign her up,” shouted the Tory benches. Corbyn looked even angrier than usual. Having just added one of the dinner ladies from Portcullis House to his frontbench team, his shadow cabinet was complete for at least the next half hour. If not in person. New shadow defence secretary Clive Lewis had been unable to take questions earlier in the afternoon because he was still at Glastonbury.Before Dave got things under way, the new Labour MP for Tooting, Rosena Allin-Khan, was formally introduced to the house. “Sign her up,” shouted the Tory benches. Corbyn looked even angrier than usual. Having just added one of the dinner ladies from Portcullis House to his frontbench team, his shadow cabinet was complete for at least the next half hour. If not in person. New shadow defence secretary Clive Lewis had been unable to take questions earlier in the afternoon because he was still at Glastonbury.
“There will need to be some adjustments,” Dave announced, trying to keep the snigger out of his voice, “but we need to remember Britain is the fifth largest economy in the world.” George Osborne gave Dave a sly nudge and passed him a note. “Let me clarify that,” Dave continued. “Following further huge losses on the stock exchange, Britain is actually the sixth largest economy.” Give it a day or so and we could be seventh or eighth.“There will need to be some adjustments,” Dave announced, trying to keep the snigger out of his voice, “but we need to remember Britain is the fifth largest economy in the world.” George Osborne gave Dave a sly nudge and passed him a note. “Let me clarify that,” Dave continued. “Following further huge losses on the stock exchange, Britain is actually the sixth largest economy.” Give it a day or so and we could be seventh or eighth.
Dave did have some rather better news. At the cabinet meeting earlier in the day, there had been almost unanimous agreement to appoint some experts to try to come up with a vague plan about how to make an even vaguer plan to think about how Britain was going to leave the EU. The one person to have disagreed was Michael Gove, who was violently opposed to any experts being used for anything. Mike arrived late for the Commons statement, cowered behind the speaker’s chair for a few minutes before scarpering off with indecent haste. Still, it was a better effort than either Boris or Priti Vacant who couldn’t be bothered to show up at all. Leadership in action. The leave camp must be so proud of them.Dave did have some rather better news. At the cabinet meeting earlier in the day, there had been almost unanimous agreement to appoint some experts to try to come up with a vague plan about how to make an even vaguer plan to think about how Britain was going to leave the EU. The one person to have disagreed was Michael Gove, who was violently opposed to any experts being used for anything. Mike arrived late for the Commons statement, cowered behind the speaker’s chair for a few minutes before scarpering off with indecent haste. Still, it was a better effort than either Boris or Priti Vacant who couldn’t be bothered to show up at all. Leadership in action. The leave camp must be so proud of them.
Related: Jeremy Corbyn preparing for leadership contest
“Many people feel disenfranchised and powerless,” Corbyn admitted, unexpectedly turning a Commons occasion into a private therapy. Someone on the frontbench, who nobody – not even the Labour leader – recognised, passed him a tissue to wipe his eyes. Corbyn took several deep breaths and pulled himself together. “The last thing the country wants now,” he insisted, “is to see factional infighting within both parties.” Bit late for that. Dave smiled. When he had made his resignation speech the previous Friday it had never occurred to him he might last longer in his job than Jeremy.“Many people feel disenfranchised and powerless,” Corbyn admitted, unexpectedly turning a Commons occasion into a private therapy. Someone on the frontbench, who nobody – not even the Labour leader – recognised, passed him a tissue to wipe his eyes. Corbyn took several deep breaths and pulled himself together. “The last thing the country wants now,” he insisted, “is to see factional infighting within both parties.” Bit late for that. Dave smiled. When he had made his resignation speech the previous Friday it had never occurred to him he might last longer in his job than Jeremy.
Ken Clarke remained unconvinced that the referendum had actually taken place and chose to point out that as long as there was a government that didn’t know what it was doing it was OK for MPs to do what they liked. Dave quite reasonably replied that the government had never knowingly known what it was doing when he was in charge and he saw no reason for that to change when his successor took over. Louise Mensch was less measured. She tweeted “FUCK OFF KEN CLARKE”. So sweet. How she is missed in Westminster.Ken Clarke remained unconvinced that the referendum had actually taken place and chose to point out that as long as there was a government that didn’t know what it was doing it was OK for MPs to do what they liked. Dave quite reasonably replied that the government had never knowingly known what it was doing when he was in charge and he saw no reason for that to change when his successor took over. Louise Mensch was less measured. She tweeted “FUCK OFF KEN CLARKE”. So sweet. How she is missed in Westminster.
Some of the most nauseating contributions came from those Tories who had spent the previous three months rubbishing Dave with every passing breath. “Can I just say how much I admire you, Dave?” said Crispin Blunt/Julian Lewis/Philip Davies/Jacob Rees-Mogg. “You have been absolutely brilliant and every time I look at you I just fall into your pale blue eyes and melt.” Fellow Eurosceptic John Baron was also desperate for Dave to talk up how well the country was doing since the referendum. Dave duly obliged: “We could have already gone bankrupt and Boris and Mikey could actually have had a plan.” Dave was beginning to enjoy himself. Not having to sort out this mess would be a massive relief.Some of the most nauseating contributions came from those Tories who had spent the previous three months rubbishing Dave with every passing breath. “Can I just say how much I admire you, Dave?” said Crispin Blunt/Julian Lewis/Philip Davies/Jacob Rees-Mogg. “You have been absolutely brilliant and every time I look at you I just fall into your pale blue eyes and melt.” Fellow Eurosceptic John Baron was also desperate for Dave to talk up how well the country was doing since the referendum. Dave duly obliged: “We could have already gone bankrupt and Boris and Mikey could actually have had a plan.” Dave was beginning to enjoy himself. Not having to sort out this mess would be a massive relief.
Labour’s Kate Hoey continued the delusional/hypocritical – delete where necessary – witterings of the leave campaigners by arguing it was outrageous that the government hadn’t come up with a plan for leaving the EU. “Now, I suppose that I might have to think of something,” she grumped. Ukip’s Douglas Carswell was also struggling with his sanity by asking that Vote Leave should play a full part in the renegotiations. Earlier in the day, Vote Leave’s campaign director, the intellectually challenged Matthew Elliott, had insisted that article 50 should not be invoked before everyone had found time to go on holiday. To Tuscany and Provence.Labour’s Kate Hoey continued the delusional/hypocritical – delete where necessary – witterings of the leave campaigners by arguing it was outrageous that the government hadn’t come up with a plan for leaving the EU. “Now, I suppose that I might have to think of something,” she grumped. Ukip’s Douglas Carswell was also struggling with his sanity by asking that Vote Leave should play a full part in the renegotiations. Earlier in the day, Vote Leave’s campaign director, the intellectually challenged Matthew Elliott, had insisted that article 50 should not be invoked before everyone had found time to go on holiday. To Tuscany and Provence.
If the Commons statement had been intended to reassure people that everything was going to be OK, it backfired spectacularly. MPs who had been previously certain that someone, somewhere must have a plan only now realised that no one did. Still some things did remain the same. Oliver Letwin sat on the Conservative frontbench with his usual expression of beatific bemusement. No one had apparently told him anything about a referendum.If the Commons statement had been intended to reassure people that everything was going to be OK, it backfired spectacularly. MPs who had been previously certain that someone, somewhere must have a plan only now realised that no one did. Still some things did remain the same. Oliver Letwin sat on the Conservative frontbench with his usual expression of beatific bemusement. No one had apparently told him anything about a referendum.