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Party games: Tories and Labour compete to make fools of themselves Party games: Tories and Labour compete to make fools of themselves Party games: Tories and Labour compete to make fools of themselves
(35 minutes later)
MondayMonday
The first and only rule of making a political announcement is: make sure you don’t clash with someone else’s. So when Theresa May released a press note saying she was launching her Tory leadership bid in Birmingham at 11am, Angela Eagle made sure to delay her own tilt at Jeremy Corbyn’s job until midday. That way both could make the lunchtime news bulletins. Neither had banked on Andrea Leadsom sending out an SOS at 11.30 saying she would be making a statement of her own. Up in Birmingham, every journalist immediately stopped listening to Theresa and went through the futile exercise of wondering if it was possible to get back to London in half an hour. Having chosen to go to Angela’s event, my task was a bit easier. I just upped and left and took a cab to where Andrea was self-destructing. I’m told by someone who stayed at Angela’s gig that it was a bit like the Mary Celeste. “Any questions?” asked Angela. Silence. “Anyone from the BBC here?” Silence. “Anyone from ITV here?” Silence.The first and only rule of making a political announcement is: make sure you don’t clash with someone else’s. So when Theresa May released a press note saying she was launching her Tory leadership bid in Birmingham at 11am, Angela Eagle made sure to delay her own tilt at Jeremy Corbyn’s job until midday. That way both could make the lunchtime news bulletins. Neither had banked on Andrea Leadsom sending out an SOS at 11.30 saying she would be making a statement of her own. Up in Birmingham, every journalist immediately stopped listening to Theresa and went through the futile exercise of wondering if it was possible to get back to London in half an hour. Having chosen to go to Angela’s event, my task was a bit easier. I just upped and left and took a cab to where Andrea was self-destructing. I’m told by someone who stayed at Angela’s gig that it was a bit like the Mary Celeste. “Any questions?” asked Angela. Silence. “Anyone from the BBC here?” Silence. “Anyone from ITV here?” Silence.
TuesdayTuesday
Just to prove the Conservatives don’t have the monopoly on making a fool of themselves, Labour organised a meeting of the National Executive Committee to determine whether Jeremy Corbyn would require the 51 votes of MPs and MEPs that he definitely wouldn’t get to take part in a leadership election. The NEC was supposed to be taking place under conditions of lockdown security but almost every one of the 32 people taking part was busy leaking events in real time. First we discovered there was a vote taking place over whether to have a vote to conduct the vote under a secret ballot. Then Corbyn refused to leave the room when asked and there had to be yet another non-binding vote on whether he should be made to leave. After much delay, Corbyn did leave the room, only to reappear on the balcony outside trying to look in through the window. To complete the comedy of errors, the NEC waited for Corbyn to go home before taking a vote on the qualifying period for eligibility to vote in the election. The Corbynistas lost by one vote.Just to prove the Conservatives don’t have the monopoly on making a fool of themselves, Labour organised a meeting of the National Executive Committee to determine whether Jeremy Corbyn would require the 51 votes of MPs and MEPs that he definitely wouldn’t get to take part in a leadership election. The NEC was supposed to be taking place under conditions of lockdown security but almost every one of the 32 people taking part was busy leaking events in real time. First we discovered there was a vote taking place over whether to have a vote to conduct the vote under a secret ballot. Then Corbyn refused to leave the room when asked and there had to be yet another non-binding vote on whether he should be made to leave. After much delay, Corbyn did leave the room, only to reappear on the balcony outside trying to look in through the window. To complete the comedy of errors, the NEC waited for Corbyn to go home before taking a vote on the qualifying period for eligibility to vote in the election. The Corbynistas lost by one vote.
WednesdayWednesday
Boris Johnson’s appointment as foreign secretary has not gone down well in those parts of the world he has insulted over the years. Which is almost everywhere except Greenland. A matter of time, no doubt. It also hasn’t gone down too well with his publishers, Hodder & Stoughton, who shelled out £500k for The Riddle of Genius, his book on Shakespeare that was due to come out this year to coincide with the 400th anniversary of Will’s death. The book is still listed on Amazon with a publication date of 20 October but as Boris has yet to deliver a manuscript and is unlikely to have much spare time in the coming months, this is almost certainly more an expression of hope than anything else. The bigger headache for Hodder now is whether to demand Boris repay the advance. This won’t be the only financial headache for Boris, as continuing to trouser £250k a year for his weekly Daily Telegraph column would not be a good look for Theresa May’s “Social Justice” Conservatives. Poor Boris. Become foreign secretary and end up broke.Boris Johnson’s appointment as foreign secretary has not gone down well in those parts of the world he has insulted over the years. Which is almost everywhere except Greenland. A matter of time, no doubt. It also hasn’t gone down too well with his publishers, Hodder & Stoughton, who shelled out £500k for The Riddle of Genius, his book on Shakespeare that was due to come out this year to coincide with the 400th anniversary of Will’s death. The book is still listed on Amazon with a publication date of 20 October but as Boris has yet to deliver a manuscript and is unlikely to have much spare time in the coming months, this is almost certainly more an expression of hope than anything else. The bigger headache for Hodder now is whether to demand Boris repay the advance. This won’t be the only financial headache for Boris, as continuing to trouser £250k a year for his weekly Daily Telegraph column would not be a good look for Theresa May’s “Social Justice” Conservatives. Poor Boris. Become foreign secretary and end up broke.
ThursdayThursday
Though not at Lords in person for the first Test match between England and Pakistan, at least something of me was. Back in 1992, I was contracted to write a book about the fast bowlers Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis and part of the deal was that I got to spend six weeks travelling round Australia and New Zealand with the Pakistan team for the Cricket World Cup. There were many great moments; getting to bowl in the nets at Perth, Auckland and Melbourne and claiming the scalps of two Test batsmen in the process was one. Interviewing a stark-naked Imran Khan, who was mid-massage, was more of a mixed blessing. I didn’t quite know where to look. But the highlight was being in the dressing-room at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with the Pakistan team after they had just beaten England in the final and joining in the celebrations. I asked Wasim Akram for a souvenir and he gave me the short-sleeved sweater he had been wearing in his man of the match performance. After lying at the bottom of my cupboard for the best part of 25 years, the sweater is now on show at the Lord’s museum for the rest of the summer. Get in there quickly if you want to see it. At the end of the year I am going to auction it, with the proceeds going to a Pakistan educational charity.Though not at Lords in person for the first Test match between England and Pakistan, at least something of me was. Back in 1992, I was contracted to write a book about the fast bowlers Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis and part of the deal was that I got to spend six weeks travelling round Australia and New Zealand with the Pakistan team for the Cricket World Cup. There were many great moments; getting to bowl in the nets at Perth, Auckland and Melbourne and claiming the scalps of two Test batsmen in the process was one. Interviewing a stark-naked Imran Khan, who was mid-massage, was more of a mixed blessing. I didn’t quite know where to look. But the highlight was being in the dressing-room at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with the Pakistan team after they had just beaten England in the final and joining in the celebrations. I asked Wasim Akram for a souvenir and he gave me the short-sleeved sweater he had been wearing in his man of the match performance. After lying at the bottom of my cupboard for the best part of 25 years, the sweater is now on show at the Lord’s museum for the rest of the summer. Get in there quickly if you want to see it. At the end of the year I am going to auction it, with the proceeds going to a Pakistan educational charity.
FridayFriday
As Theresa May attended to the final touches of her cabinet reshuffle, it was hard to tell if the new prime minister is a modern day Machiavelli or a woman with a great sense of humour. Apart from making Boris foreign secretary, she has put David Davis, a man who has managed to fall out with almost anyone he has ever negotiated with, in charge of Brexit, and Liam Fox, who resigned after showing up with his mate on trade missions, in charge of trade. To add to the fun, Theresa has put Priti Patel, who once pledged to get rid the Department for International Development (DfID), in charge of DfID, and Andrea Leadsom, a woman who seems to hate the countryside – the only picture anyone can find of her outdoors is of her standing uncomfortably by a gate, and she thinks sheep hill farms should be turned into butterfly sanctuaries; that’s before we get on to Andrea’s views on climate change (“are you sure it’s real?”) and male nannies (“could be paedophiles”) – as environment secretary. Andrea’s first job will be to explain to the farmers she encouraged to vote for Brexit why they might now be worse off. All five of these appointments were prominent Brexit campaigners. All five have been given jobs in which there are high odds of them failing.As Theresa May attended to the final touches of her cabinet reshuffle, it was hard to tell if the new prime minister is a modern day Machiavelli or a woman with a great sense of humour. Apart from making Boris foreign secretary, she has put David Davis, a man who has managed to fall out with almost anyone he has ever negotiated with, in charge of Brexit, and Liam Fox, who resigned after showing up with his mate on trade missions, in charge of trade. To add to the fun, Theresa has put Priti Patel, who once pledged to get rid the Department for International Development (DfID), in charge of DfID, and Andrea Leadsom, a woman who seems to hate the countryside – the only picture anyone can find of her outdoors is of her standing uncomfortably by a gate, and she thinks sheep hill farms should be turned into butterfly sanctuaries; that’s before we get on to Andrea’s views on climate change (“are you sure it’s real?”) and male nannies (“could be paedophiles”) – as environment secretary. Andrea’s first job will be to explain to the farmers she encouraged to vote for Brexit why they might now be worse off. All five of these appointments were prominent Brexit campaigners. All five have been given jobs in which there are high odds of them failing.
Digested week, digested: Snakes and laddersDigested week, digested: Snakes and ladders