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| I am a new woman now. I am a Pokémon Go genius I am a new woman now. I am a Pokémon Go genius | |
| (4 months later) | |
| When I woke up this morning, my Pokémon knowledge was limited to the following: it is a video game, I think, or a TV show, or a card game(?) wherein Harry Potter(?) catches magic weasels and makes them fight each other; you’ve “gotta catch ’em all”, or else [white noise]; and internet trolls sometimes Photoshop my face on to the body of something called a “Snorlax”, which, I’ve gathered, is a sort of bouncy castle made of cat-meat, because I am fat like a monster (see also: “Jigglypuff”). | When I woke up this morning, my Pokémon knowledge was limited to the following: it is a video game, I think, or a TV show, or a card game(?) wherein Harry Potter(?) catches magic weasels and makes them fight each other; you’ve “gotta catch ’em all”, or else [white noise]; and internet trolls sometimes Photoshop my face on to the body of something called a “Snorlax”, which, I’ve gathered, is a sort of bouncy castle made of cat-meat, because I am fat like a monster (see also: “Jigglypuff”). |
| Now, as the day winds to a close, I am the proud owner of not one, not four, but 13 special worms and parrots that I tracked down and tamed with my own bare thumbs. I can tell you the difference between a Pidgey and a Spearow (not really), and I have felt the ghost of a desire to spend actual money on fictional baby monster eggs – the hallmark of success of any “free” mobile game. Mere moments after scolding my kid about this exact thing, I wandered into traffic chasing a cartoon bat. I am a new woman now. I played Pokémon Go all day and I loved it. I am a Pokémon genius. | Now, as the day winds to a close, I am the proud owner of not one, not four, but 13 special worms and parrots that I tracked down and tamed with my own bare thumbs. I can tell you the difference between a Pidgey and a Spearow (not really), and I have felt the ghost of a desire to spend actual money on fictional baby monster eggs – the hallmark of success of any “free” mobile game. Mere moments after scolding my kid about this exact thing, I wandered into traffic chasing a cartoon bat. I am a new woman now. I played Pokémon Go all day and I loved it. I am a Pokémon genius. |
| For the uninitiated – those without social media and cousins – Pokémon Go is an app that allows users to hunt and trap little digital monsters in their own flesh-and-blood neighbourhoods. You open the app and find an aerial map of your surroundings. Nearby blocks are peppered with spinning blue cubes (filled with Pokémon eggs and Pokémon ball-prisons), puffs of green leaves (where new Pokémon might be hiding), and towering, spindle-shaped Roman arenas called “Pokémon gyms” (where users gather to battle their space-weasels on the blood-soaked sand). | For the uninitiated – those without social media and cousins – Pokémon Go is an app that allows users to hunt and trap little digital monsters in their own flesh-and-blood neighbourhoods. You open the app and find an aerial map of your surroundings. Nearby blocks are peppered with spinning blue cubes (filled with Pokémon eggs and Pokémon ball-prisons), puffs of green leaves (where new Pokémon might be hiding), and towering, spindle-shaped Roman arenas called “Pokémon gyms” (where users gather to battle their space-weasels on the blood-soaked sand). |
| The gimmick is pretty simple and pretty brilliant (I can’t wait to see it employed in a horror game, or a scavenger hunt for grownups, or – oh, my god – Neko Atsume Go): to investigate any of those locations and pillage them of their precious treats, you have to physically move your body there. You have to go down the block, through the park, past the cinema, around the pond. Every once in a while, as you move, your phone will buzz and the camera will switch on. Suddenly, hovering near your husband’s crotch, a squirrel appears, taunting you. You grab a ball-prison and throw it at the crotch-squirrel. Somehow, the squirrel becomes trapped in the ball. Success. Now you have a pet squirrel and a bored husband. Pokémon! | The gimmick is pretty simple and pretty brilliant (I can’t wait to see it employed in a horror game, or a scavenger hunt for grownups, or – oh, my god – Neko Atsume Go): to investigate any of those locations and pillage them of their precious treats, you have to physically move your body there. You have to go down the block, through the park, past the cinema, around the pond. Every once in a while, as you move, your phone will buzz and the camera will switch on. Suddenly, hovering near your husband’s crotch, a squirrel appears, taunting you. You grab a ball-prison and throw it at the crotch-squirrel. Somehow, the squirrel becomes trapped in the ball. Success. Now you have a pet squirrel and a bored husband. Pokémon! |
| Pokémon Go sits at the intersection of a multitude of things we love to hate – stuff people won’t shut up about on the internet, stuff the kids are into that we find confusing so therefore it’s bad, frivolous stuff we shouldn’t be talking about because bad stuff is also happening in the world – which means Pokémon Go has already gone through a backlash and a backlash to the backlash. And, to be fair, the game has produced some significant chaos. | Pokémon Go sits at the intersection of a multitude of things we love to hate – stuff people won’t shut up about on the internet, stuff the kids are into that we find confusing so therefore it’s bad, frivolous stuff we shouldn’t be talking about because bad stuff is also happening in the world – which means Pokémon Go has already gone through a backlash and a backlash to the backlash. And, to be fair, the game has produced some significant chaos. |
| Two men in California walked off a cliff looking for Pokémon (both survived). Homeowners have complained about monster-catchers climbing fences and invading their yards. Several people have been robbed while immersed in their phones; one man was stabbed. In my hometown of Seattle, a nonprofit organisation called the Center for Wooden Boats issued a public plea asking Pokémon-catchers to stop clambering around in their historic boats looking for Squirtles and unplugging maintenance equipment to charge their phones (Pokémon Go is heavy on the battery). A facility housing sex offenders was erroneously designated a Pokémon gym, putting its residents – who are not allowed near children – at risk of being sent back to prison. POKÉMON STOP. | Two men in California walked off a cliff looking for Pokémon (both survived). Homeowners have complained about monster-catchers climbing fences and invading their yards. Several people have been robbed while immersed in their phones; one man was stabbed. In my hometown of Seattle, a nonprofit organisation called the Center for Wooden Boats issued a public plea asking Pokémon-catchers to stop clambering around in their historic boats looking for Squirtles and unplugging maintenance equipment to charge their phones (Pokémon Go is heavy on the battery). A facility housing sex offenders was erroneously designated a Pokémon gym, putting its residents – who are not allowed near children – at risk of being sent back to prison. POKÉMON STOP. |
| A less dramatic but more ubiquitous indictment of Pokémon Go is that it’s yet another distraction keeping kids glued to their phones instead of interacting with the “real” world. They might be outside, but look at them. They are staring at a small rectangle. That’s not the kind of wholesome fun we had in the 80s, when we spent summers sniffing markers, watching whatever was on the four channels, and picking on fat kids. | A less dramatic but more ubiquitous indictment of Pokémon Go is that it’s yet another distraction keeping kids glued to their phones instead of interacting with the “real” world. They might be outside, but look at them. They are staring at a small rectangle. That’s not the kind of wholesome fun we had in the 80s, when we spent summers sniffing markers, watching whatever was on the four channels, and picking on fat kids. |
| As a parent in 2016, I get the frustration with phones. I will often come inside from an achingly gorgeous day to find the kids huddled in the darkest corner of the house Snapchatting like teenage cave salamanders. But, I have to remind myself, I had this same fight with my mom in 1992, only instead of an iPhone it was a VCR, and instead of Instagram it was the movie Clue. Kids are moody weirdos. Technology is a lazy scapegoat. | As a parent in 2016, I get the frustration with phones. I will often come inside from an achingly gorgeous day to find the kids huddled in the darkest corner of the house Snapchatting like teenage cave salamanders. But, I have to remind myself, I had this same fight with my mom in 1992, only instead of an iPhone it was a VCR, and instead of Instagram it was the movie Clue. Kids are moody weirdos. Technology is a lazy scapegoat. |
| Here’s what happened when I downloaded Pokémon Go: my 12-year-old stepdaughter leaped off the couch. She, her dad and I wandered around our neighbourhood while she breathlessly explained the game to us. We ran into other people playing Pokémon Go and made sheepish eye contact with them and laughed. The park was full of people. I caught a Charmander, whatever that means. Eventually, our phones died and we walked home. It was a really nice afternoon. Thanks, magic weasels. Thanks, phone. | Here’s what happened when I downloaded Pokémon Go: my 12-year-old stepdaughter leaped off the couch. She, her dad and I wandered around our neighbourhood while she breathlessly explained the game to us. We ran into other people playing Pokémon Go and made sheepish eye contact with them and laughed. The park was full of people. I caught a Charmander, whatever that means. Eventually, our phones died and we walked home. It was a really nice afternoon. Thanks, magic weasels. Thanks, phone. |