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| A Strong Exit, a new play by James Graham | A Strong Exit, a new play by James Graham |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| Dramatis Personae | Dramatis Personae |
| Minister for Brexit Male, 40s, Tory MP | Minister for Brexit Male, 40s, Tory MP |
| Permanent Secretary Female, 50s, from the Cabinet Office | Permanent Secretary Female, 50s, from the Cabinet Office |
| Dale Special adviser, 30s | Dale Special adviser, 30s |
| Erica Special adviser, 30s | Erica Special adviser, 30s |
| Whitehall, London, 2016. Night time. | Whitehall, London, 2016. Night time. |
| The offices of the hastily established Ministry for Brexit. A large map of Europe on the back wall. A screen showing global market activity. | The offices of the hastily established Ministry for Brexit. A large map of Europe on the back wall. A screen showing global market activity. |
| The newly appointed Minister for Brexit is greeting his team of young-ish Spads, Erica and Dale, alongside the department’s new Permanent Secretary. | The newly appointed Minister for Brexit is greeting his team of young-ish Spads, Erica and Dale, alongside the department’s new Permanent Secretary. |
| Minister (looking around) Christ, why are we in this mess? | Minister (looking around) Christ, why are we in this mess? |
| Dale It’s what people voted for. | Dale It’s what people voted for. |
| Minister No, I mean these offices. What a dump. | Minister No, I mean these offices. What a dump. |
| Permanent Secretary The civil service thought a “staggered” approach to establishing this new ministry was the best course of action, minister. Hence finding you some makeshift rooms here underneath the Cabinet Office. | Permanent Secretary The civil service thought a “staggered” approach to establishing this new ministry was the best course of action, minister. Hence finding you some makeshift rooms here underneath the Cabinet Office. |
| Minister Under the watchful eyes of mother, is it? Right. Okey-dokey, well, the White House may have the Situation Room. But this little bunker of ours will be our new Situation Command. And this “Sit-com” is going to – ah, right, no, that won’t work, we’ll have to– | |
| Dale It’s all right, I’m on it (typing on his Blackberry). | Dale It’s all right, I’m on it (typing on his Blackberry). |
| Erica Can I introduce the Permanent Secretary assigned here by the Cabinet Office. | Erica Can I introduce the Permanent Secretary assigned here by the Cabinet Office. |
| Permanent Secretary (shaking his hand) Congratulations on your appointment. | Permanent Secretary (shaking his hand) Congratulations on your appointment. |
| Minister Said through slightly gritted teeth, I expect. | Minister Said through slightly gritted teeth, I expect. |
| Permanent Secretary Not at all, my role is to be impartial. I’m not a political appointment. | Permanent Secretary Not at all, my role is to be impartial. I’m not a political appointment. |
| Minister But you were the civil servant who helped draft that whole “This government believes in remaining” booklet thing, right? Hardly impartial. | Minister But you were the civil servant who helped draft that whole “This government believes in remaining” booklet thing, right? Hardly impartial. |
| Permanent Secretary If by that you mean it laid out the expert analysis of the independent institutions that run and service the British economy, its national security, international relations and other historic functions, then yes. | Permanent Secretary If by that you mean it laid out the expert analysis of the independent institutions that run and service the British economy, its national security, international relations and other historic functions, then yes. |
| Minister Well, let’s not go into all that again, it’s been three torturous and bruising months. Some of the most difficult in our history. But we must put it all behind us, and deliver the will of the people. Most of the people. At least, what their will was a couple of weeks ago, whatever it may be now. Some of them. (Claps his hands) Anyway. | Minister Well, let’s not go into all that again, it’s been three torturous and bruising months. Some of the most difficult in our history. But we must put it all behind us, and deliver the will of the people. Most of the people. At least, what their will was a couple of weeks ago, whatever it may be now. Some of them. (Claps his hands) Anyway. |
| Permanent Secretary To that end, Minister … | Permanent Secretary To that end, Minister … |
| She gestures to a box on a desk in the centre of the room. | She gestures to a box on a desk in the centre of the room. |
| Some other official looking Civil Servants enter. They insert their keys into the locks in the desk. The Permanent Secretary does likewise. On her nod, they turn their keys simultaneously. | Some other official looking Civil Servants enter. They insert their keys into the locks in the desk. The Permanent Secretary does likewise. On her nod, they turn their keys simultaneously. |
| The box opens with a hiss, revealing a small Red Button. The Minister approaches it, uncertainly … | The box opens with a hiss, revealing a small Red Button. The Minister approaches it, uncertainly … |
| Minister What is this thing before me …? | Minister What is this thing before me …? |
| Permanent Secretary In order to invoke Article 50, Minister, all 28 member states of the … apologies, force of habit, all 27 member states of the European Council must be simultaneously informed of the decision by the British government to leave. This mechanism, as designed by the civil service, alerts all necessary domestic and foreign bodies of that decision so that the article may be immediately invoked. | Permanent Secretary In order to invoke Article 50, Minister, all 28 member states of the … apologies, force of habit, all 27 member states of the European Council must be simultaneously informed of the decision by the British government to leave. This mechanism, as designed by the civil service, alerts all necessary domestic and foreign bodies of that decision so that the article may be immediately invoked. |
| Once triggered … a clock begins its countdown, impossible to stop once it starts. Two years precisely to gather up our things and get out. | Once triggered … a clock begins its countdown, impossible to stop once it starts. Two years precisely to gather up our things and get out. |
| Parliament has no say. The decision alone rests with the royal prerogative of the government. It’s up to you to decide if, and when, to press the trigger. Sir. | Parliament has no say. The decision alone rests with the royal prerogative of the government. It’s up to you to decide if, and when, to press the trigger. Sir. |
| Minister (looks at the button. It almost seems to glow. His hand, half drawn to it.) Many a man and woman were called upon to push it … and all were found wanting. Now those players have all departed the stage. And so it falls to me … | Minister (looks at the button. It almost seems to glow. His hand, half drawn to it.) Many a man and woman were called upon to push it … and all were found wanting. Now those players have all departed the stage. And so it falls to me … |
| Well. I will push. And push hard. When the time is right. For as soon as we do, we reveal our hand and the tables are turned against us. I will to Europe go! And negotiate the best terms while we still have our trump card to play. | Well. I will push. And push hard. When the time is right. For as soon as we do, we reveal our hand and the tables are turned against us. I will to Europe go! And negotiate the best terms while we still have our trump card to play. |
| Erica Maybe don’t call it a Trump card. | Erica Maybe don’t call it a Trump card. |
| Minister No, good call. | Minister No, good call. |
| Dale We have to get you over to Newsnight in 25, sir. | Dale We have to get you over to Newsnight in 25, sir. |
| Minister All right, blue tie, cufflinks? I have a travel toothbrush somewhere– | |
| A general sorting of the Minister as he gets ready. | A general sorting of the Minister as he gets ready. |
| Erica Shall we prep a little? | Erica Shall we prep a little? |
| Minister Yes, what am I saying – uh, “very honoured, weight of responsibility” blah blah. Er, “The new Prime Minister, in her first day behind the controls–” | |
| Erica May day! May day! | Erica May day! May day! |
| Minister Erica, don’t. “I am aware that” – oh, I just got it – “I’m aware that I am the first ever minister appointed to this position, and hopefully the last” – mmm, I’ll work on that bit – “I’ve been given the job of drafting the future of a nation, in the biggest decision ever undertaken by a free people within our lifetimes.” Er, what else – ah, the new ministry. Well, “Yes, we may be a small unit. And not everyone gives us much hope of success. But – I know a plucky little country in not that dissimilar a position.” | Minister Erica, don’t. “I am aware that” – oh, I just got it – “I’m aware that I am the first ever minister appointed to this position, and hopefully the last” – mmm, I’ll work on that bit – “I’ve been given the job of drafting the future of a nation, in the biggest decision ever undertaken by a free people within our lifetimes.” Er, what else – ah, the new ministry. Well, “Yes, we may be a small unit. And not everyone gives us much hope of success. But – I know a plucky little country in not that dissimilar a position.” |
| Dale Nice. | Dale Nice. |
| Minister Thank you – er, “one that also just extricated itself from a, a difficult marriage. Something I happen to have some experience of.” | Minister Thank you – er, “one that also just extricated itself from a, a difficult marriage. Something I happen to have some experience of.” |
| Erica Good – personal experience, human, in touch. | Erica Good – personal experience, human, in touch. |
| Minister (brushing his teeth while he rehearses) And, yes, it can be scary. As the one leaving the nest, the other side gets to keep the home and the car and the kids – sure. But there are new homes to find, new kids to, to – have. And yeah it can be scary to hit the dating scene again – you’re a little longer in the tooth, a little thinner in the wallet. And, yes, there’s an awful moment you realise everyone else is already in a relationship with someone else. But that’s OK. Solitude is underrated. And there are other ways to get what you need, to find satisfaction, enjoyment. I’ve lost my train of thought. | Minister (brushing his teeth while he rehearses) And, yes, it can be scary. As the one leaving the nest, the other side gets to keep the home and the car and the kids – sure. But there are new homes to find, new kids to, to – have. And yeah it can be scary to hit the dating scene again – you’re a little longer in the tooth, a little thinner in the wallet. And, yes, there’s an awful moment you realise everyone else is already in a relationship with someone else. But that’s OK. Solitude is underrated. And there are other ways to get what you need, to find satisfaction, enjoyment. I’ve lost my train of thought. |
| Dale Doesn’t matter, let’s move on. | Dale Doesn’t matter, let’s move on. |
| Minister Exactly. “Moving on” – I like that actually. That’s one of the problems with “exit”, as a term; arriving is, is triumphant. Exiting is failure. | Minister Exactly. “Moving on” – I like that actually. That’s one of the problems with “exit”, as a term; arriving is, is triumphant. Exiting is failure. |
| Erica The inevitable day we’re called upon to quit, headlines write themselves. “Fire Brexits.” | Erica The inevitable day we’re called upon to quit, headlines write themselves. “Fire Brexits.” |
| Dale “Brexiting under a cloud.” | Dale “Brexiting under a cloud.” |
| Erica “Where are the signs for the nearest Brexit?” | Erica “Where are the signs for the nearest Brexit?” |
| Dale “Be warned, the nearest Brexit may be behind you.” | Dale “Be warned, the nearest Brexit may be behind you.” |
| Permanent Secretary That one’s almost certainly true. | Permanent Secretary That one’s almost certainly true. |
| Dale (on his Blackberry) Car’s on its way. Two minutes. | Dale (on his Blackberry) Car’s on its way. Two minutes. |
| Erica Role-play a few interview questions? | Erica Role-play a few interview questions? |
| Minister Mm, good idea. | Minister Mm, good idea. |
| An interview setup arranged, the Minister still brushing his teeth, sorting his tie and so on. Erica acting as the interviewer. | An interview setup arranged, the Minister still brushing his teeth, sorting his tie and so on. Erica acting as the interviewer. |
| Erica Minister, as a vocal Brexiteer, you must be pleased to be playing your part. | Erica Minister, as a vocal Brexiteer, you must be pleased to be playing your part. |
| Minister Mmm, yes, certainly, I – I may not be as, as colourful a character as some of the others. And I can’t say that I was a leading part of all campaign areas, but unlike others it’s fair to say I, like, led some. | Minister Mmm, yes, certainly, I – I may not be as, as colourful a character as some of the others. And I can’t say that I was a leading part of all campaign areas, but unlike others it’s fair to say I, like, led some. |
| Dale Don’t say “I like Leadsom.” | Dale Don’t say “I like Leadsom.” |
| Minister What? Oh right, yes. Good spot, Dale. | Minister What? Oh right, yes. Good spot, Dale. |
| Erica And you are going to trigger Article 50? | Erica And you are going to trigger Article 50? |
| Minister That’s the will of the people. | Minister That’s the will of the people. |
| Erica The winning side only won by a margin of 3.8%. | Erica The winning side only won by a margin of 3.8%. |
| Minister Brexit is going to happen. And that requires Article 50. | Minister Brexit is going to happen. And that requires Article 50. |
| Erica But when, minister? This uncertainty has wiped billions off Britain’s shares, billions off GDP, equivalent to the cost of many years of EU membership that leaving was intended to save. A bull stock market has quickly become a bear market, tanking at the rate of– | |
| Minister Ah, yes, you see, but you know the thing about bears, is that, is that, when you see one, the advice is not to run, but to make yourself as big and as loud as possible, to scare it away. Or at least, that’s the case with one type of bear, there’s a difference between black and brown, I think, the other one you’re meant to shrivel up into a ball and cower, but, but I forget which– | |
| (looking at Dale) Can we Google that, check which one’s which, if I’m going to say it– | |
| Dale I don’t think you should say it– | |
| Minister No, but if I am I don’t want to be giving bad bear advice on live TV. That could come back and bite me on the arse. Quite literally. Anyway– | |
| Erica Time is at a premium, Minister, the Council of Europe is meeting right now in Brussels. They’re losing patience. There’s even talk of them triggering their Article 7, kicking us out immediately without any terms whatsoever. | Erica Time is at a premium, Minister, the Council of Europe is meeting right now in Brussels. They’re losing patience. There’s even talk of them triggering their Article 7, kicking us out immediately without any terms whatsoever. |
| Minister That’s scaremongering, it’ll never happen. To justify that, a majority of member states have to believe that we pose a real threat to the values and existence of the union, and I don’t think any reasonable person thinks that. | Minister That’s scaremongering, it’ll never happen. To justify that, a majority of member states have to believe that we pose a real threat to the values and existence of the union, and I don’t think any reasonable person thinks that. |
| Erica You can’t be certain. No one has ever triggered Article 50 before. | Erica You can’t be certain. No one has ever triggered Article 50 before. |
| Minister Exactly, and the fact that no one knows how to do it is actually quite helpful. | Minister Exactly, and the fact that no one knows how to do it is actually quite helpful. |
| Erica You’re saying no one knows what they’re doing? | Erica You’re saying no one knows what they’re doing? |
| Minister No, it isn’t that no one knows what they’re doing, it’s just that – no one knows quite what to do. There’s a difference, between those two positions. Not huge, admittedly– | |
| Erica Like 3.8%? | Erica Like 3.8%? |
| Minister Exactly, not huge, but it, it makes all the difference, entirely, to everyone, and everything, forever … Look, a lot of people keep saying we should sleep on this. Well, my message to them, to quote a former colleague, is, “You kip if you want to–” | |
| Dale Not “Ukip”. | Dale Not “Ukip”. |
| Minister Right, you – hmm, go back on that one. | Minister Right, you – hmm, go back on that one. |
| Erica You agree with the new PM when she says, “Brexit means Brexit.” | Erica You agree with the new PM when she says, “Brexit means Brexit.” |
| Minister Absolutely, yes, yes, though of course for “Brexit to mean Brexit”, and rightly so, no question, we first have to work out what … what Brexit means. Don’t we? In order for Brexit to mean, to mean “that”. | |
| Erica Shouldn’t you have worked out what it meant before people voted for it? | Erica Shouldn’t you have worked out what it meant before people voted for it? |
| Minister Oh, no, you misunderstand me. We knew what it meant then. When people voted. Obviously. But ever since people voted to Brexit, everything’s just got thrown up in the air, hasn’t it? You know, including … Brexit … (turning around to his team) Hard this, isn’t it? | Minister Oh, no, you misunderstand me. We knew what it meant then. When people voted. Obviously. But ever since people voted to Brexit, everything’s just got thrown up in the air, hasn’t it? You know, including … Brexit … (turning around to his team) Hard this, isn’t it? |
| Dale and Erica Nooo, you’ll be fine. | Dale and Erica Nooo, you’ll be fine. |
| Erica Car’s downstairs. | Erica Car’s downstairs. |
| Minister OK, wish me luck. | Minister OK, wish me luck. |
| Dale Remember, just end on a zinger. | Dale Remember, just end on a zinger. |
| Minister You don’t have to tell me that, it’s been my political maxim all my life. (Putting on his jacket) No one will remember how you got there. But they’ll sure as hell remember the manner in which you leave. | Minister You don’t have to tell me that, it’s been my political maxim all my life. (Putting on his jacket) No one will remember how you got there. But they’ll sure as hell remember the manner in which you leave. |
| He winks, and exits. | He winks, and exits. |
| Permanent Secretary Right, if you’ll excuse me, I have about a hundred thousand new positions to fill. (Taking her files) You have to find some humour in the irony, I suppose. Extricating ourselves over the next two years will require the civil service to expand exponentially to fill the legislative tasks currently administered and financed by Brussels. A vote to “return democracy to the people” is about to trigger the largest and most expensive surrender of decision-making capabilities from elected representatives to an unelected bureaucratic elite in modern times. Que sera sera. If I’m still able to use casual French. | Permanent Secretary Right, if you’ll excuse me, I have about a hundred thousand new positions to fill. (Taking her files) You have to find some humour in the irony, I suppose. Extricating ourselves over the next two years will require the civil service to expand exponentially to fill the legislative tasks currently administered and financed by Brussels. A vote to “return democracy to the people” is about to trigger the largest and most expensive surrender of decision-making capabilities from elected representatives to an unelected bureaucratic elite in modern times. Que sera sera. If I’m still able to use casual French. |
| Dale Look, I know we were on different sides of the war, but we must both be on the winning side of the peace. | Dale Look, I know we were on different sides of the war, but we must both be on the winning side of the peace. |
| Permanent Secretary There’s a winning side? | Permanent Secretary There’s a winning side? |
| Dale I get it. You’re angry – | Dale I get it. You’re angry – |
| Permanent Secretary (turning on him) I’m not angry. I’ve … I spent my life, here, working, here, yearning, fucking praying, for the return of “ideas”, telling young people, my daughter’s age, that politics doesn’t just have to be the preservation of the status quo, it can be a place of ideas, the potential for change. Well honestly, honestly, I miss the old days. When the worst you could accuse politics of being was boring. I miss boring. And I hate that that’s what this has done to me. That all I want for my children is a return to boring. For them. That I might find a way, somehow, to make life boring again. And I hate that that’s what this has done to me … | Permanent Secretary (turning on him) I’m not angry. I’ve … I spent my life, here, working, here, yearning, fucking praying, for the return of “ideas”, telling young people, my daughter’s age, that politics doesn’t just have to be the preservation of the status quo, it can be a place of ideas, the potential for change. Well honestly, honestly, I miss the old days. When the worst you could accuse politics of being was boring. I miss boring. And I hate that that’s what this has done to me. That all I want for my children is a return to boring. For them. That I might find a way, somehow, to make life boring again. And I hate that that’s what this has done to me … |
| … that’s all. | … that’s all. |
| A phone in the office starts to ring. And then another. And then all of them … | A phone in the office starts to ring. And then another. And then all of them … |
| Dale That … that doesn’t sound good. Has something happened? | Dale That … that doesn’t sound good. Has something happened? |
| Erica (checking her phone). Oh Jesus. The Council. They’re voting! Voting on Article 7. | Erica (checking her phone). Oh Jesus. The Council. They’re voting! Voting on Article 7. |
| Dale No, bollocks, what? | Dale No, bollocks, what? |
| Permanent Secretary (checking her phone) Belgium called a vote. | Permanent Secretary (checking her phone) Belgium called a vote. |
| Erica Shit, get the Minister back, get him back. | Erica Shit, get the Minister back, get him back. |
| Dale I’m trying, I’m trying – it’s engaged! | Dale I’m trying, I’m trying – it’s engaged! |
| Permanent Secretary France has voted yes. | Permanent Secretary France has voted yes. |
| Erica What do we do? | Erica What do we do? |
| Permanent Secretary Now Germany. | Permanent Secretary Now Germany. |
| Dale How many do they need to push their trigger?! | Dale How many do they need to push their trigger?! |
| Permanent Secretary A majority, 17. | Permanent Secretary A majority, 17. |
| Erica Spain … Italy … | Erica Spain … Italy … |
| Dale We have to trigger ours before they trigger theirs, it’s our only hope – push it! | Dale We have to trigger ours before they trigger theirs, it’s our only hope – push it! |
| Permanent Secretary What? We’re not authorised to do that. | Permanent Secretary What? We’re not authorised to do that. |
| Dale No one is! It’s our only hope. | Dale No one is! It’s our only hope. |
| Erica Greece! Portugal! | Erica Greece! Portugal! |
| Dale Erica, push it! | Dale Erica, push it! |
| Erica No way, I’m not having my fingerprints on that! | Erica No way, I’m not having my fingerprints on that! |
| Permanent Secretary Denmark! | Permanent Secretary Denmark! |
| Dale Someone do it! Someone do it! Trigger, trigger! | Dale Someone do it! Someone do it! Trigger, trigger! |
| The noise of the phones, alarms, and screaming becomes deafening. | The noise of the phones, alarms, and screaming becomes deafening. |
| Erica and Dale can’t take it and make a run for it – leaving the Permanent Secretary alone by the button. They shoot one guilty look back at her before exiting. | |
| Blackout. | Blackout. |
| • This House by James Graham is at the Minerva theatre, Chichester, from 23 September to 29 October, and then at the Garrick theatre, London, from 19 November. | • This House by James Graham is at the Minerva theatre, Chichester, from 23 September to 29 October, and then at the Garrick theatre, London, from 19 November. |