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| Nine things you should never say to a wheelchair user Nine things you should never say to a wheelchair user | |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| Last week it was revealed that Nottinghamshire police has labelled misogyny a hate crime. And yet nothing anyone has ever said to me in my capacity as “woman” has ever come close to what comes my way in my capacity as “wheelchair user”. | Last week it was revealed that Nottinghamshire police has labelled misogyny a hate crime. And yet nothing anyone has ever said to me in my capacity as “woman” has ever come close to what comes my way in my capacity as “wheelchair user”. |
| Whether amusing or downright offensive, people seem to say most of these inappropriate things with the best of intentions, which suggests that they just need a point in the right direction. So without further ado, here’s the top nine things never to do or say to a wheelchair user. | Whether amusing or downright offensive, people seem to say most of these inappropriate things with the best of intentions, which suggests that they just need a point in the right direction. So without further ado, here’s the top nine things never to do or say to a wheelchair user. |
| 1. “Don’t run me over” | 1. “Don’t run me over” |
| This one inevitably comes from a slightly ageing man (sorry but it’s true) and is accompanied by a theatrical step out of the way or, worse, a dramatic flattening against the wall. The logic here is faulty: by saying such a skin-crawlingly annoying thing, you only tempt us to run you over. Imagine if people repeatedly told you not to walk into them just because, say, you had brown hair. Let me assure you that using a wheelchair has not, unfortunately in this case, increased my capacity to do you unwitting harm. | This one inevitably comes from a slightly ageing man (sorry but it’s true) and is accompanied by a theatrical step out of the way or, worse, a dramatic flattening against the wall. The logic here is faulty: by saying such a skin-crawlingly annoying thing, you only tempt us to run you over. Imagine if people repeatedly told you not to walk into them just because, say, you had brown hair. Let me assure you that using a wheelchair has not, unfortunately in this case, increased my capacity to do you unwitting harm. |
| 2. “Do you have a licence to drive that thing?” | 2. “Do you have a licence to drive that thing?” |
| Similar to the above, only the person assumes they’re being more original. They’re not. It not only betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of social services – if you think they hand out thousands of pounds worth of kit without checking you can use it, I frankly envy your innocence – but also a misunderstanding of the capabilities of a wheelchair. Mine has a top speed of 4mph, the speed of the average fast walk. Do you have a licence to use your legs? | Similar to the above, only the person assumes they’re being more original. They’re not. It not only betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of social services – if you think they hand out thousands of pounds worth of kit without checking you can use it, I frankly envy your innocence – but also a misunderstanding of the capabilities of a wheelchair. Mine has a top speed of 4mph, the speed of the average fast walk. Do you have a licence to use your legs? |
| 3. “What happened to you then?” | 3. “What happened to you then?” |
| There is no way to rationalise this one, it’s just rude. You’re asking someone to reveal the intimate history of something which might be quite traumatic and which affects their life in ways you probably can’t fathom. Sure, you may be curious, but what you’re actually asking me to do is explain and justify my disability. In case you’re wondering, the only acceptable way to ask about someone’s disability is to become friends with them (real friends, not just so you can get the low-down) and wait for them to mention it. That is it. If you are rude enough to ask, expect an unexpected answer: I like to go for the brutal truth and say “I was born”; a friend declares himself to have been hit by lightning. | There is no way to rationalise this one, it’s just rude. You’re asking someone to reveal the intimate history of something which might be quite traumatic and which affects their life in ways you probably can’t fathom. Sure, you may be curious, but what you’re actually asking me to do is explain and justify my disability. In case you’re wondering, the only acceptable way to ask about someone’s disability is to become friends with them (real friends, not just so you can get the low-down) and wait for them to mention it. That is it. If you are rude enough to ask, expect an unexpected answer: I like to go for the brutal truth and say “I was born”; a friend declares himself to have been hit by lightning. |
| 4. Don’t assume we can’t read | 4. Don’t assume we can’t read |
| This assumption rears its offensive head in restaurants. I can be chatting away with my family or friends, perhaps even reading them something from my phone (demonstrating an ability to, you know, read) and the person serving will hand out menus to everyone except me. It’s happened so often that my dad and I have perfected the response. He pointedly hands me his menu, which I study while he twiddles his thumbs. If we fancy, I offer to read it to him. Eventually, another menu is sheepishly brought over. | This assumption rears its offensive head in restaurants. I can be chatting away with my family or friends, perhaps even reading them something from my phone (demonstrating an ability to, you know, read) and the person serving will hand out menus to everyone except me. It’s happened so often that my dad and I have perfected the response. He pointedly hands me his menu, which I study while he twiddles his thumbs. If we fancy, I offer to read it to him. Eventually, another menu is sheepishly brought over. |
| It may not seem as bad as actively saying something awful, but the issue here is that you’re making two separate, equally offensive assumptions: firstly, that a physical disability indicates a learning or intellectual one, and secondly, that either of the latter precludes a person from being able to read. I shouldn’t have to explain why this is wrong. | It may not seem as bad as actively saying something awful, but the issue here is that you’re making two separate, equally offensive assumptions: firstly, that a physical disability indicates a learning or intellectual one, and secondly, that either of the latter precludes a person from being able to read. I shouldn’t have to explain why this is wrong. |
| 'There shouldn’t be spaces, like clubs, where you think we’re out of place. We belong anywhere just as much as you do' | 'There shouldn’t be spaces, like clubs, where you think we’re out of place. We belong anywhere just as much as you do' |
| 5. “Nice to see people like you in a pub/club/the street” | 5. “Nice to see people like you in a pub/club/the street” |
| Nice to see you too? If I’m being charitable, this one normally comes from the mouth of someone who has had one too many. Still, it’s quite an extraordinary thing to say, indicating that you don’t believe wheelchair users do anything with our lives. This could not be further from the truth. The other problem here is the belief that there are “people like” us; people with disabilities, even just wheelchair users, are not a homogenous group. There shouldn’t be spaces, like clubs, where you think we’re out of place. We belong anywhere just as much as you do. | Nice to see you too? If I’m being charitable, this one normally comes from the mouth of someone who has had one too many. Still, it’s quite an extraordinary thing to say, indicating that you don’t believe wheelchair users do anything with our lives. This could not be further from the truth. The other problem here is the belief that there are “people like” us; people with disabilities, even just wheelchair users, are not a homogenous group. There shouldn’t be spaces, like clubs, where you think we’re out of place. We belong anywhere just as much as you do. |
| 6. “Well done for getting out and about” | 6. “Well done for getting out and about” |
| This is very common, and usually leaves me silently screaming. I’m not even sure what it means; am I to be congratulated for living more than a housebound life? Is that the level of ambition society holds for wheelchair users? It’s profoundly patronising to assume that it’s an Everest-like challenge to leave the house, although of course for some it is incredibly hard. Even so, we are just getting on with the things that need to be done; you may think we’re brave, we think we need to do the food shopping. | This is very common, and usually leaves me silently screaming. I’m not even sure what it means; am I to be congratulated for living more than a housebound life? Is that the level of ambition society holds for wheelchair users? It’s profoundly patronising to assume that it’s an Everest-like challenge to leave the house, although of course for some it is incredibly hard. Even so, we are just getting on with the things that need to be done; you may think we’re brave, we think we need to do the food shopping. |
| 7. “Is anyone with you? Why are you alone?” | 7. “Is anyone with you? Why are you alone?” |
| We’re adults, just like you. To be constantly infantalised is both wearisome and irritating, not to mention insulting. We haven’t escaped from the “minder” you apparently believe we should have, and you’re not about to be called on to become our carer. Trust me when I tell you that we have a plan for how to do whatever it is we’re doing, and it is not up to you to judge our capacity for independence. | We’re adults, just like you. To be constantly infantalised is both wearisome and irritating, not to mention insulting. We haven’t escaped from the “minder” you apparently believe we should have, and you’re not about to be called on to become our carer. Trust me when I tell you that we have a plan for how to do whatever it is we’re doing, and it is not up to you to judge our capacity for independence. |
| 8. Don’t try to drive our chairs | 8. Don’t try to drive our chairs |
| Just as people believe that the presence of a wheelchair allows them to ask about intimate medical details, so they think they have a right to our autonomy. You would never sling a stranger over your shoulder and deposit them a few feet away, and yet many will move us out of their way or play with the joystick on a powerchair. Our chairs are our independence and autonomy, they do not exist for your amusement. Oh and also, able-bodied people are almost always terrible chair manoeuvrers – leave it to the experts. | Just as people believe that the presence of a wheelchair allows them to ask about intimate medical details, so they think they have a right to our autonomy. You would never sling a stranger over your shoulder and deposit them a few feet away, and yet many will move us out of their way or play with the joystick on a powerchair. Our chairs are our independence and autonomy, they do not exist for your amusement. Oh and also, able-bodied people are almost always terrible chair manoeuvrers – leave it to the experts. |
| 9. “Come to my religious institution and be cured” | 9. “Come to my religious institution and be cured” |
| This one really makes me angry. Many wheelchair users will have spent huge amounts of time and effort in getting better, attending appointments and keeping as healthy as possible. Many will be desperately hoping for medical advances to help them. Using that as propaganda for your religious cause is vile. It also isn’t true. Besides, you shouldn’t assume that we want to be “cured” of anything. You are directly implying that there is something wrong with us, but there’s not. For me and many others, this is simply who we are, and we’re proud of our identities. Above all else, we do not need or want your pity. | This one really makes me angry. Many wheelchair users will have spent huge amounts of time and effort in getting better, attending appointments and keeping as healthy as possible. Many will be desperately hoping for medical advances to help them. Using that as propaganda for your religious cause is vile. It also isn’t true. Besides, you shouldn’t assume that we want to be “cured” of anything. You are directly implying that there is something wrong with us, but there’s not. For me and many others, this is simply who we are, and we’re proud of our identities. Above all else, we do not need or want your pity. |
| Among all the ludicrous sayings though, every now and then someone – normally a child – comes out with something wonderful. A few months ago I encountered a little girl, possibly five or six, walking home from school. As I passed in my powerchair, I heard her pipe up, “But mummy, she’s not even old!” I chuckled all the way home. | Among all the ludicrous sayings though, every now and then someone – normally a child – comes out with something wonderful. A few months ago I encountered a little girl, possibly five or six, walking home from school. As I passed in my powerchair, I heard her pipe up, “But mummy, she’s not even old!” I chuckled all the way home. |