Is forgiveness better than jail?Last week the Magazine published an article on releasing prisoners on parole. In our readers' column, one man - who asks to remain anonymous - explains why those he believes killed his father should be given a second chance.
Is forgiveness better than jail?Last week the Magazine published an article on releasing prisoners on parole. In our readers' column, one man - who asks to remain anonymous - explains why those he believes killed his father should be given a second chance.
Ten years ago this Christmas we got the telephone call. My uncle said my father's company had contacted him to tell him that my dad had died.
Ten years ago this Christmas we got the telephone call. My uncle said my father's company had contacted him to tell him that my dad had died.
He was in his early 50s. I was in my early 20s and had lost my mother suddenly two years previously, so the sense of loss, grief and isolation was immense.
He was in his early 50s. I was in my early 20s and had lost my mother suddenly two years previously, so the sense of loss, grief and isolation was immense.
My dad had been posted to South America six years beforehand and had settled very well. Even though his company had advised him against having relationships with locals, he had fallen in love with Maria [not her real name] and, along with her children, had set up a family unit together.
My dad had been posted to South America six years beforehand and had settled very well. Even though his company had advised him against having relationships with locals, he had fallen in love with Maria [not her real name] and, along with her children, had set up a family unit together.
I'd been lucky enough to visit a few times, and found her to be lively, engaging, passionate, exciting and ever so slightly mad. I also saw that she made my dad extremely happy, for the first time in many years. I was dreading meeting her after his untimely death and sharing our grief.
I'd been lucky enough to visit a few times, and found her to be lively, engaging, passionate, exciting and ever so slightly mad. I also saw that she made my dad extremely happy, for the first time in many years. I was dreading meeting her after his untimely death and sharing our grief.
Things became strange very quickly once we had arrived. Members of the group from the UK were approached by a number of people such as neighbours and friends.
Things became strange very quickly once we had arrived. Members of the group from the UK were approached by a number of people such as neighbours and friends.
The story of his death had lots of peculiarities, and they all seemed to point to one thing: Maria had been having an affair with a local businessman and, together, they had arranged for my father to be killed. This is the version of events I still believe today.
The story of his death had lots of peculiarities, and they all seemed to point to one thing: Maria had been having an affair with a local businessman and, together, they had arranged for my father to be killed. This is the version of events I still believe today.
My dad's company asked us if we wanted to postpone the funeral to investigate further, adding that proving this would be almost impossible. He had lived in a corrupt society where silence could quite easily be bought.
My dad's company asked us if we wanted to postpone the funeral to investigate further, adding that proving this would be almost impossible. He had lived in a corrupt society where silence could quite easily be bought.
Father's wishes
Father's wishes
At the side of my father's coffin, my family and I discussed our options. We decided together to follow his wishes, bury him in his new home and so lose any incriminating evidence.
At the side of my father's coffin, my family and I discussed our options. We decided together to follow his wishes, bury him in his new home and so lose any incriminating evidence.
If anybody is to blame, it is my dad for ignoring the advice he was given - but he found happiness and died fulfilled I have often wondered whether that decision was the right one. I doubt we would have untangled the seemingly messy web that surrounded the events of the night he died, and we felt compelled to honour his wishes.
If anybody is to blame, it is my dad for ignoring the advice he was given - but he found happiness and died fulfilled I have often wondered whether that decision was the right one. I doubt we would have untangled the seemingly messy web that surrounded the events of the night he died, and we felt compelled to honour his wishes.
He had told some of the family that he had changed his will to look after Maria and her family, and that he wanted to be buried in his new land. His will still looks after her today.
He had told some of the family that he had changed his will to look after Maria and her family, and that he wanted to be buried in his new land. His will still looks after her today.
Very quickly I decided that although I believed he had been murdered, I should not waste my energies being angry. She was looking after herself and her children's future.
Very quickly I decided that although I believed he had been murdered, I should not waste my energies being angry. She was looking after herself and her children's future.
If anybody is to blame, it is my dad for ignoring the advice he was given. But he found happiness and died fulfilled. He allowed love to get in the way. I didn't resent it because he was happy but he knowingly took a great risk, he knew he put himself in danger.
If anybody is to blame, it is my dad for ignoring the advice he was given. But he found happiness and died fulfilled. He allowed love to get in the way. I didn't resent it because he was happy but he knowingly took a great risk, he knew he put himself in danger.
Letting go
Letting go
It is important to hold on to the belief that I had brilliant parents for a shorter-than-expected time, but they gave me a strong value base and an excellent childhood.
It is important to hold on to the belief that I had brilliant parents for a shorter-than-expected time, but they gave me a strong value base and an excellent childhood.
My father is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring him back I am not going to waste the rest of my life holding anger, grudges or hate. If I do that, it will destroy my life as well as my dad's. I'm not a particularly religious person but I believe what goes around comes around.
My father is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring him back I am not going to waste the rest of my life holding anger, grudges or hate. If I do that, it will destroy my life as well as my dad's. I'm not a particularly religious person but I believe what goes around comes around.
Many people that I speak to feel that I should feel the need for revenge, that I should feel anger, that I should seek justice for his memory. I disagree wholeheartedly. My father is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring him back.
Many people that I speak to feel that I should feel the need for revenge, that I should feel anger, that I should seek justice for his memory. I disagree wholeheartedly. My father is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring him back.
I have a life to live and the best way I can remember and honour my father is to live mine the way he would have been proud, embracing and sharing his values. Surely this is the best use of my time and energies?
I have a life to live and the best way I can remember and honour my father is to live mine the way he would have been proud, embracing and sharing his values. Surely this is the best use of my time and energies?
If Maria were to be sent to prison, she would leave behind three children who my father loved dearly.
If Maria were to be sent to prison, she would leave behind three children who my father loved dearly.
Surely I'd be honouring my dad's wishes by forgiving Maria, allowing her to continue bringing those children up, in the hope that some of him has rubbed off on them. That family has had to deal with loss, lies, upheaval, and uncertainty for far too long. I do not wish to take any further chances of happiness away from his second family.
Surely I'd be honouring my dad's wishes by forgiving Maria, allowing her to continue bringing those children up, in the hope that some of him has rubbed off on them. That family has had to deal with loss, lies, upheaval, and uncertainty for far too long. I do not wish to take any further chances of happiness away from his second family.
I may never want to see her again, but I hope that she finds happiness and peace, and can one day reconcile her actions with herself.
I may never want to see her again, but I hope that she finds happiness and peace, and can one day reconcile her actions with herself.
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
I fully support his decision to move on. I had my own experience and the more I sort revenge and justice, the more frustrated I became. I could not move on and was very desperate until I decided to leave the past behind. It is true that whatever goes around comes around and being a Christian, I believe in divine justice which no one can get away from - no matter how long it takes. It is impossible to forget for one sees and lives with the consequences of these actions but brooding over the past is not good for anybody.Eunice, Nairobi, Kenya
His father didn't marry this women and make provision for her expecting her to have him killed, if indeed she did. Such attitude condones and therefore prolongs the corruptness of the society in which his father lived, and encourages criminals who see that they can get away scott free. Instead of basking in his self-righteousness, he should think about the victims of crime.Karim, Singapore
Taking revenge will never heal the hurt caused. Forgiveness is much more powerful, allowing all involved to be released from the cycle of anger, guilt, revenge and fear. I only hope that Maria will somehow read this and that it will change her life for the better too.Chris, Nazareth, Israel
I 100% agree with using energies in a positive way and marvel at the thought that he can. I know I couldn't. But how is it "fair" that Maria allegedly cheated and possibly murdered his dad and now freely lives off his money? Cake and eat it - what kind of signal does that give out? A situation that, to me, is a real mind blower.Sally Taylor, Vienna, Austria
How you deal with your dad's death is your own business. Personally, I would never have let it go. Murder - particularly cynical, cold-blooded murder - is beyond the pale and not something that I believe I would or should forgive.Michael Jamieson, UK
A very moving story of a son practicing Christ's commandment to love our enemies, very difficult in practice. The Lord's Prayer also sets out what we must do "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us ", when we all practice this principle there will be no need for wars.Peter, Spalding, England
