Nobody loves you when you're down and out

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jul/23/nobody-loves-you-when-youre-down-and-out

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Monday

You find out who your real friends are very quickly when you’re on the way down in Westminster. Making his first appearance in the Commons since resigning as prime minister, David Cameron sheepishly took his place on the backbenches at the start of the Trident debate. A few MPs gave him a warm welcome; most ignored him. Much more important to make a good impression under Theresa May.

Dave left after the opening speeches by May and Jeremy Corbyn, only to turn up again just before 10pm. He was given an understanding welcome by Ed Miliband. Nick Clegg still feels bitter about the way things turned out and kept his distance. George Osborne also turned up for the vote, looking surprisingly jolly and chatting to Alan Duncan. Either he’s a great actor or he’s enjoying the downtime.

Not so Michael Gove, who has become the Typhoid Mary of the Commons. After May brutally axed every single one of his supporters from government, no one wants to be seen near him. So poor old Mike was left to sit all on his own at the far end of the chamber.

Tuesday

The US press corps is renowned for being among the most deferential in the world and its members look on the British lobby hacks as a particularly feral hyena pack.

So there was total amazement in the Foreign Office state room when Brad Klapper of Associated Press, the first American to ask Boris Johnson a question at his joint press conference with US secretary of state John Kerry, went for the jugular.

Having begun by asking if insulting both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton was a sign of his intended diplomacy style, Klapper then accused him of telling outright lies during the Brexit campaign. At which point even Kerry began to look uncomfortable. Boris tried to make light of it in the manner in which he has shrugged off everything in the past by saying: “It was all a bit of a joke and I didn’t mean it anyway.”

This looks set to be a much less successful tactic now he is foreign secretary. The very first question Theresa May was asked by the German press when she visited Angela Merkel was: “What were you thinking of when you appointed Boris Johnson to be foreign secretary?”

Wednesday

The news that no football fan wanted to hear. Sam Allardyce has been chosen as the England football manager. Was there really no one else available? Even the most junior administrative post in the smallest of businesses goes through a far more rigorous and transparent interview and selection process than the English FA seems to have bothered with.

The FA said it wanted to keep the period of instability to a minimum. Personally, I could have lived with the uncertainty a great deal longer, rather than suffering the certainty of Big Sam. I’ve been lucky that Big Sam has never actually managed my own team, though there have been times when the fans have been genuinely terrified that the chairman might appoint him, but I’ve had to sit through the mind-blowing dullness of watching Spurs play against a team whose sole objective is not to lose.

I’d much rather Arsène Wenger had got the job. Arsenal fans moan about Wenger’s lack of trophies, but having someone in charge who knows how to lose in the quarter and semi-finals of major tournaments would have to be an improvement.

Thursday

I’ve yet to download the Pokémon Go app but for the benefit of those who do care about these things, I’ve checked out if there are any Pokémon lurking around the corridors of Westminster.

Technically, it is illegal to find out, as the game requires your cameraphone to be switched on, and filming is not permitted within the palace grounds. So entirely unofficially, after much investigation, I can tell you there are no Pokémon lurking anywhere so far as I can tell.

But there is a PokéStop at the Oliver Cromwell statue, inside the railings near St Stephen’s Gate, though I’ve no idea if the general public can get close enough to it. There also appears to be a PokéGym at the very top of the Big Ben clock tower. Good luck with that one.

Friday

As rare on the ground as Pokémon inside the Commons, are Labour MPs prepared to be seen out and about with Corbyn. At most party leadership campaign launches, the candidate comes mob-handed with the brightest and the best MPs they can rustle up.

Not so Corbyn who turned up for his launch at the Institute of Education with just two, Kate Osamor and Rebecca Long Bailey, neither of whom has done anything particularly memorable since being first elected to parliament at last year’s general election. Despite this, Osamor now finds herself as shadow secretary of state for international development as more senior MPs refuse to serve under Corbyn as they believe he is unelectable. Except as party leader.

We could now be entering a cycle of never-ending leadership campaigns in which Corbyn gets elected, the parliamentary Labour party passes a vote of no confidence in him and triggers another election. And so on.

Things have got so bad in the shadow cabinet that ministers are having to double up; Dave Anderson is minding both Scotland and Northern Ireland while Emily Thornberry is now both shadow foreign secretary and shadow minister for Brexit. Thank God neither is that big a job.

Digested week, digested: Stop Trumps