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People who live in glass houses by Tate Modern shouldn’t throw tantrums People who live in glass houses by Tate Modern shouldn’t throw tantrums
(about 1 hour later)
A few porcelain sunflower seeds caught in an escalator: this was the nearest Tate Modern had ever got to a problem. Otherwise, the abandoned power station’s transformation into an awesome art-and-tourism behemoth had been a tale of uninterrupted glory and triumph. But then it did the thing of dread – Tate Modern pissed off the neighbours.A few porcelain sunflower seeds caught in an escalator: this was the nearest Tate Modern had ever got to a problem. Otherwise, the abandoned power station’s transformation into an awesome art-and-tourism behemoth had been a tale of uninterrupted glory and triumph. But then it did the thing of dread – Tate Modern pissed off the neighbours.
The new extension, Switch House, itself a giant celebration of the gallery’s unprecedented success, has a public viewing platform. From this platform, spectators are afforded a fantastic insight into life inside the multimillion-pound flats in the glass block across the way. Tenth-floor residents, understandably enough, find this particularly irksome.The new extension, Switch House, itself a giant celebration of the gallery’s unprecedented success, has a public viewing platform. From this platform, spectators are afforded a fantastic insight into life inside the multimillion-pound flats in the glass block across the way. Tenth-floor residents, understandably enough, find this particularly irksome.
One minute you’re congratulating yourself on living the dream and moving into a swanky apartment minutes away from one of the world’s great visitor attractions. The next you discover that the visitors are quite attracted to your Ligne Roset Togo modular corner unit, and holding up big signs asking you if it comes in lavender, and whether there’s a payment plan.One minute you’re congratulating yourself on living the dream and moving into a swanky apartment minutes away from one of the world’s great visitor attractions. The next you discover that the visitors are quite attracted to your Ligne Roset Togo modular corner unit, and holding up big signs asking you if it comes in lavender, and whether there’s a payment plan.
There’s hardly a home in the capital that doesn’t have some strategically placed plant or wheelie binThere’s hardly a home in the capital that doesn’t have some strategically placed plant or wheelie bin
A colleague confesses that she has had a good look herself. We didn’t even know if the flats were real, she vouchsafed, or part of the show. They’re so perfect, so tidy, such faithful reproductions of the ultimate aspirational fantasy. Obviously, the solution is for Tate Modern to buy them, and reproduce Tracey Emin’s manky rooms in them, in order to extinguish all doubt.A colleague confesses that she has had a good look herself. We didn’t even know if the flats were real, she vouchsafed, or part of the show. They’re so perfect, so tidy, such faithful reproductions of the ultimate aspirational fantasy. Obviously, the solution is for Tate Modern to buy them, and reproduce Tracey Emin’s manky rooms in them, in order to extinguish all doubt.
But Nicholas Serota, the outgoing demigod behind Tate Modern, has other ideas. He has proclaimed that residents should invest in net curtains. Which is a bit like telling the owners of white Range Rovers that you cannot believe they’re not farmers.But Nicholas Serota, the outgoing demigod behind Tate Modern, has other ideas. He has proclaimed that residents should invest in net curtains. Which is a bit like telling the owners of white Range Rovers that you cannot believe they’re not farmers.
Residents have shown their appreciation by placing in one of the offended windows a cardboard cutout of Sir Nick in his underwear. Which, no doubt, will not help with the is-this-part-of-the-art-experience? problem. Residents have shown their appreciation by placing in one of the offended windows cardboard cutouts of figures in their underwear. Which, no doubt, will not help with the is-this-part-of-the-art-experience? problem.
Yet, setting aside the normal feelings of burning resentment and psychotic hatred one nurtures against people with actual luxury apartments in actual central London who imagine that they have housing problems, privacy in your own home is surely a human right. Sure, it’s a struggle empathising with the burdens of more-money-than-sense; but it can’t be easy, having every sneaky afternoon Netflix binge, every casual hoiking-up of your tights, observed by hundreds of enthusiastic sightseers, their gazes drifting from scrutiny of your dazzling collection of balsamic and other vinegars only to exchange passionate critiques of The Truman Show. Yet, setting aside the normal feelings of burning resentment one nurtures against people with actual luxury apartments in actual central London who imagine that they have housing problems, privacy in your own home is surely a human right. Sure, it’s a struggle empathising with the burdens of more-money-than-sense; but it can’t be easy, having every sneaky afternoon Netflix binge, every casual hoiking-up of your tights, observed by hundreds of enthusiastic sightseers, their gazes drifting from scrutiny of your dazzling collection of balsamic and other vinegars only to exchange passionate critiques of The Truman Show.
Oh, forget it. I agree with Nick.Oh, forget it. I agree with Nick.
Guys, you live in the middle of a highly dense city where blocks like yours spring up every other day, often on foundations made from the rubble of social housing. Not only did you know that a massive extension of Tate Modern was on the way when you bought your flats, you also got a kick out of the idea that you’d be looking right at it. Guys, you live in the middle of a highly dense city where blocks like yours spring up every other day, often on foundations made from the rubble of social housing. Not only did you know that a massive extension of Tate Modern was on the way when you bought your flats, some of you got a kick out of the idea that you’d be looking right at it.
The tables have been turned: now it’s looking at you – and people in glass houses shouldn’t throw tantrums. Make your own privacy. Get some curtains. Curtains are nice. Privacy is one of the reasons why they were invented, you dolts. I love my curtains. They’re beautiful. The tables have been turned: now it’s looking at you – and people in glass houses shouldn’t throw tantrums. Make your own privacy. Get some curtains. Curtains are nice. Privacy is one of the reasons why they were invented. I love my curtains. They’re beautiful.
Go for a walk. Look around you. Poor old Parliament View, along the Thames opposite Lambeth Palace, is literally a showroom for every kind of blind design and privacy strategy known to modern man. Before those residents caught on, I walked past one morning as some chap in his pants brushed his teeth.Go for a walk. Look around you. Poor old Parliament View, along the Thames opposite Lambeth Palace, is literally a showroom for every kind of blind design and privacy strategy known to modern man. Before those residents caught on, I walked past one morning as some chap in his pants brushed his teeth.
Net curtains aren’t just there for sad normals to twitch. There’s hardly a home in the capital that doesn’t have some strategically placed plant or cunningly positioned wheelie bin affording the delusion that we’re not packed in here like sardines, with property prices to prove that people are prepared to put up with it all. That’s London. Aspects of it suck, including the aspect aspect.Net curtains aren’t just there for sad normals to twitch. There’s hardly a home in the capital that doesn’t have some strategically placed plant or cunningly positioned wheelie bin affording the delusion that we’re not packed in here like sardines, with property prices to prove that people are prepared to put up with it all. That’s London. Aspects of it suck, including the aspect aspect.
I’ve been in my place for 20 years, and the floral curtain opposite me has been there, closed, for all that time. It even survived a fire, though it’s been slightly sooty ever since.I’ve been in my place for 20 years, and the floral curtain opposite me has been there, closed, for all that time. It even survived a fire, though it’s been slightly sooty ever since.
The residents of the building opposite the Tate have sought legal advice, and have asked for the museum’s balcony to be closed to the public. It’s unbelievable. Can’t they see what spoilt brats they’re being, by demanding that a massively popular institution should abandon a massively popular public service so that half a dozen prima donnas can live without resorting to window dressing? Apparently not. There’s none so blind as a homeowner who won’t countenance the horror of a blind. The residents of the building opposite the Tate have sought legal advice, and have asked for the museum’s balcony to be closed to the public. It’s unbelievable. Can’t they see what spoilt brats they’re being, by demanding that a massively popular institution should abandon a massively popular public service so that a few people can live without resorting to window dressing? Apparently not. There’s none so blind as a homeowner who won’t countenance the horror of a blind.