Grumpy Davis, the man with an enormous mandate and no clue

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/oct/10/david-davis-brexit-enormous-mandate-and-no-clue

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Giving a running commentary on not giving a running commentary is getting to be a habit. Rather than be dragged back to the Commons to face an urgent question on his department’s opacity, Brexit minister David Davis chose instead to volunteer a statement. “Let me be absolutely clear,” Grumpy announced, as his fellow dwarves Happy aka Boris Johnson, Dopey aka Priti Patel and Smarmy aka Liam Fox bounced on the benches beside him in a contrived sense of jollity.

All that was absolutely clear was that Grumpy was accidentally rereading the statement he had made to the house at the beginning of September. “We are going to take back control,” he said. “Control is something we will be taking back. Oh yes. We have been given the biggest mandate in the whole history of mandates being given and because of this mandate we will be taking back control. Nothing shall stop us taking back control.”

This may have been Keir Starmer’s first outing as shadow Brexit minister but he was savvy enough to identify time standing still with Grumpy doing everything to avoid talking about membership of the single market. Leaving the EU wasn’t the issue, he said. That was a done deal. What he wanted to know was the terms on which the UK was going to leave the EU and to make sure that parliament got a chance to debate and vote on them. Surely the whole point of taking back control was returning sovereignty to parliament?

Grumpy began to flush. It had been so much more fun to shout the Eurosceptic odds from the backbenches than to have to implement it as a minister. “What you have to realise is that we have the biggest mandate in the whole history of mandates,” he muttered, his eyes dead, as he rifled through the blank pages of briefing notes his advisers had given him.

“So when I say that we are going to take back control what I mean is that we will return sovereignty to parliament except for those matters on which I think I might not get the result I want. Take back control. Take back control . Mandate. Mandate. Whirr. Whirr. Clunk. Clunk.” A metal shard flew out of Grumpy’s mouth and landed on the despatch box.

To give Grumpy’s minders enough time to replace his broken part, Iain Duncan Smith stepped in with his customary diversionary tactic of proving he is one of the most unpleasant man in Westminster. “The shadow Brexit secretary is just a second rate lawyer,” he sneered. It takes a second-rater to know a second-rater.

“Take back control. Mandate. Whirr. Clunk,” Grumpy garbled. The repairs to Grumpy’s mechanism had not been entirely successful and he was reduced to acting on auto-pilot. The Tory MP Stephen Phillips, who is one of the sharpest minds in the Commons and certainly one of its best paid lawyers, shook his head and laughed. Phillips knew Grumpy was trying to bluff his way through the unconstitutionality of the government’s position but was just politely biding his time.

But not so loyal that he had not provided the opposition with some of his best attack lines. First Ed Miliband, then Nick Clegg, then Hilary Benn exposed the hypocrisy of Theresa May assigning herself the right to decide exactly what Brexit means. Even Tory Andrew Tyrie gently pointed out the absurdity of the British public finding out what deal their government had got from the other countries it had been negotiating with.

The Eurosceptics were outraged that anyone should dare to take back control of what they they wanted to take back control of. Owen Paterson insisted he would be happy for the pound to worthless as long as Britain left the EU. Four badgers entered the chamber to remove him. Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of Donald Trump’s last remaining supporters in the UK, was removed by four silverback gorillas. The Commons was thinning out.

“Take back control. It would be trespassing on parliament to involve parliament. Mandate. Whirr. Clunk,” Grumpy sighed, while pushing one of his eyeballs back into its socket.

At the close of the statement, Phillips asked the Speaker for an emergency debate on the unconstitutionality of the government’s position. John Bercow bottled it and declined. Grumpy flashed his grill. Brexit would blood well mean Brexit even if it turned out to be a disaster. Take back control. Mandate. Whirr. Clunk.