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The Joy of Mass Intimacy: A Look at ‘Future Sex’ The Joy of Mass Intimacy: A Look at ‘Future Sex’
(3 days later)
FUTURE SEXBy Emily Witt210 pp. Farrar, Straus & Giroux. $25. FUTURE SEXBy Emily Witt210 pp. Farrar, Straus & Giroux. $25.
I read Emily Witt’s “Future Sex” over the course of three days in Provincetown, an eccentric beach town and art colony on Cape Cod — and a fitting place to delve into a book about polyamory, kink, group sex and orgasmic meditation. As I read Witt’s thoughtful and deeply personal exploration of “the possibilities of free love” in 21st-century America, some of her themes played out around me.I read Emily Witt’s “Future Sex” over the course of three days in Provincetown, an eccentric beach town and art colony on Cape Cod — and a fitting place to delve into a book about polyamory, kink, group sex and orgasmic meditation. As I read Witt’s thoughtful and deeply personal exploration of “the possibilities of free love” in 21st-century America, some of her themes played out around me.
A handsome gay couple discussed the rules — nearly broken after some day-drinking — of their open relationship. A young Bulgarian woman lamented to a friend that she hated her summer job, and wondered whether she could make more money webcamming for lonely men instead. A middle-aged woman visiting with her husband and kids took advantage of a momentary distraction (a drag queen on a bicycle) to catch her husband’s eye and point suggestively to an upscale sex shop, where it seemed they might return later. And, after the bars let out, some gay and bisexual men biked, skipped and stumbled to a notorious cruising spot where strangers and couples looking to spice things up meet under the moonlight for an orgy on the beach.A handsome gay couple discussed the rules — nearly broken after some day-drinking — of their open relationship. A young Bulgarian woman lamented to a friend that she hated her summer job, and wondered whether she could make more money webcamming for lonely men instead. A middle-aged woman visiting with her husband and kids took advantage of a momentary distraction (a drag queen on a bicycle) to catch her husband’s eye and point suggestively to an upscale sex shop, where it seemed they might return later. And, after the bars let out, some gay and bisexual men biked, skipped and stumbled to a notorious cruising spot where strangers and couples looking to spice things up meet under the moonlight for an orgy on the beach.
Before moving to San Francisco in her early 30s, Witt didn’t think of herself as the orgy-attending type. She dislikes sex with strangers, so she has spent much of her adult life having sex in a way that will feel familiar to many millennials: She alternates between relationships and periods of singlehood during which she has sex with many of her friends in “a flexible manner that occasionally imploded in displays of pain or temporary insanity, but for the most part functioned peacefully.” Witt doesn’t want to be single forever, “but love is rare and it is frequently unreciprocated,” she reminds us.Before moving to San Francisco in her early 30s, Witt didn’t think of herself as the orgy-attending type. She dislikes sex with strangers, so she has spent much of her adult life having sex in a way that will feel familiar to many millennials: She alternates between relationships and periods of singlehood during which she has sex with many of her friends in “a flexible manner that occasionally imploded in displays of pain or temporary insanity, but for the most part functioned peacefully.” Witt doesn’t want to be single forever, “but love is rare and it is frequently unreciprocated,” she reminds us.
Witt’s move to San Francisco in 2012 coincides with her temporary experiment in alternative sexuality before what she assumes will be her monogamous future. “The thought of not having examined the possibilities filled me with dread,” she writes. So Witt examines them with gusto, including an orgy featuring a “spanking train” and “electrified wand,” organized in part by a charming 20-something woman in a polyamorous marriage. (Witt also attends her wedding, where the officiant says: “By the power invested in me by the internet, you are now married. You can kiss each other and other people.”)Witt’s move to San Francisco in 2012 coincides with her temporary experiment in alternative sexuality before what she assumes will be her monogamous future. “The thought of not having examined the possibilities filled me with dread,” she writes. So Witt examines them with gusto, including an orgy featuring a “spanking train” and “electrified wand,” organized in part by a charming 20-something woman in a polyamorous marriage. (Witt also attends her wedding, where the officiant says: “By the power invested in me by the internet, you are now married. You can kiss each other and other people.”)
When not attending orgies and polyamorous weddings, Witt visits orgasmic meditation classes, BDSM pornography film shoots and insular communities of webcam enthusiasts. Though Witt initially positions “Future Sex” as a journey of self-discovery, I found that to be the least satisfying part of her book. Very little of what Witt tries turns her on, and she ends the journey in much the same place she begins — introspective and breathtakingly honest, but seemingly still uncertain about her sexual future.When not attending orgies and polyamorous weddings, Witt visits orgasmic meditation classes, BDSM pornography film shoots and insular communities of webcam enthusiasts. Though Witt initially positions “Future Sex” as a journey of self-discovery, I found that to be the least satisfying part of her book. Very little of what Witt tries turns her on, and she ends the journey in much the same place she begins — introspective and breathtakingly honest, but seemingly still uncertain about her sexual future.
If Witt struggles at times as a memoirist, she succeeds as a meandering journalistic voyeur, one with a deeply empathetic and nuanced appreciation of sexual renegades and outcasts. Though “Future Sex” isn’t as much about the future as its title suggests, it is a smart, funny, beautifully written account of contemporary women trying to understand their sexual desires — and fashion physically and emotionally safe ways to express them.If Witt struggles at times as a memoirist, she succeeds as a meandering journalistic voyeur, one with a deeply empathetic and nuanced appreciation of sexual renegades and outcasts. Though “Future Sex” isn’t as much about the future as its title suggests, it is a smart, funny, beautifully written account of contemporary women trying to understand their sexual desires — and fashion physically and emotionally safe ways to express them.
Witt introduces us to a broad cast of memorable women. In a chapter focused on the webcamming site Chaturbate, for example, Witt meets Wendy, an introverted 44-year-old artist from Iowa who relishes the “mass intimacy” of Chaturbate and who finds community, meaning and sexual satisfaction by helping guide “people through their masturbatory fantasies.” There’s Karaste, a large-breasted webcam performer who says she only felt good about her body once she got on the internet. Without it, Karaste suspects, she “would have been reading Good Housekeeping and working out how to fake an orgasm better.” Then there’s Edith, a 19-year-old college student and popular performer on the site who describes herself as “internet sexual,” quotes Albert Camus during her cam sessions and masterfully makes each male viewer “feel as if he and only he were the person who might understand and rescue her from both her tortured soul and her vow of celibacy.”Witt introduces us to a broad cast of memorable women. In a chapter focused on the webcamming site Chaturbate, for example, Witt meets Wendy, an introverted 44-year-old artist from Iowa who relishes the “mass intimacy” of Chaturbate and who finds community, meaning and sexual satisfaction by helping guide “people through their masturbatory fantasies.” There’s Karaste, a large-breasted webcam performer who says she only felt good about her body once she got on the internet. Without it, Karaste suspects, she “would have been reading Good Housekeeping and working out how to fake an orgasm better.” Then there’s Edith, a 19-year-old college student and popular performer on the site who describes herself as “internet sexual,” quotes Albert Camus during her cam sessions and masterfully makes each male viewer “feel as if he and only he were the person who might understand and rescue her from both her tortured soul and her vow of celibacy.”
Speaking of men, Witt finds them less interesting to watch on Chaturbate. They invariably recline on a computer chair in a dimly lit room, the camera aimed at their crotch. “It was amazing,” Witt writes, “the diversity of what men wanted performed for them and how little they offered to others, except for a few of the gay guys, who seemed to understand that some form of flirtation might exhilarate the spirit.”Speaking of men, Witt finds them less interesting to watch on Chaturbate. They invariably recline on a computer chair in a dimly lit room, the camera aimed at their crotch. “It was amazing,” Witt writes, “the diversity of what men wanted performed for them and how little they offered to others, except for a few of the gay guys, who seemed to understand that some form of flirtation might exhilarate the spirit.”
In a chapter about internet porn, one that includes a fascinating history of both female-directed porn and anti-porn feminism, she turns her focus to the men attending a live filming of a kink porn shoot, where the audience is expected to actively participate in the sexual humiliation of the female performer: “These men I would divide into two groups: the openly slavering, confident about the righteousness of their lust, and the self-conscious, worried about breaking the taboos of touching and insulting a woman.”In a chapter about internet porn, one that includes a fascinating history of both female-directed porn and anti-porn feminism, she turns her focus to the men attending a live filming of a kink porn shoot, where the audience is expected to actively participate in the sexual humiliation of the female performer: “These men I would divide into two groups: the openly slavering, confident about the righteousness of their lust, and the self-conscious, worried about breaking the taboos of touching and insulting a woman.”
She finds a much different kind of sexual energy — though one that still makes her uncomfortable — at orgasmic meditation meetings in San Francisco staffed by greeters who welcome “newcomers with the confidence and searching eye contact characteristic of all purveyors of conversion experiences.” Witt has a hard time leaning into the relentlessly safe space created by the group’s leaders, one that encourages men and women to be honest in real time about their feelings, sexual or otherwise. But other women seem liberated by the unusual openness. One, Witt writes, “cried like someone who has been unhappy for a long time, has unexpectedly found solace, and now can hardly conceive of the darkness to which she had previously confined herself.”She finds a much different kind of sexual energy — though one that still makes her uncomfortable — at orgasmic meditation meetings in San Francisco staffed by greeters who welcome “newcomers with the confidence and searching eye contact characteristic of all purveyors of conversion experiences.” Witt has a hard time leaning into the relentlessly safe space created by the group’s leaders, one that encourages men and women to be honest in real time about their feelings, sexual or otherwise. But other women seem liberated by the unusual openness. One, Witt writes, “cried like someone who has been unhappy for a long time, has unexpectedly found solace, and now can hardly conceive of the darkness to which she had previously confined herself.”
There is very little darkness in what is probably Witt’s best chapter, a deep dive into polyamory in San Francisco. By the time she arrives in the city, she’s a little late to the party. It is no longer a haven for sexual misfits and exiles. Instead, it’s a playground for successful, bright-eyed young adults who have “grown up observing foreign wars, economic inequality and ecological catastrophe, crises that they earnestly discussed on their digital feeds but avoided internalizing as despair.” At first, Witt isn’t sure what to make of their sexual appetites. “Their sex lives were impossible to fathom,” she observes, “because they seemed never to have lived in darkness.”There is very little darkness in what is probably Witt’s best chapter, a deep dive into polyamory in San Francisco. By the time she arrives in the city, she’s a little late to the party. It is no longer a haven for sexual misfits and exiles. Instead, it’s a playground for successful, bright-eyed young adults who have “grown up observing foreign wars, economic inequality and ecological catastrophe, crises that they earnestly discussed on their digital feeds but avoided internalizing as despair.” At first, Witt isn’t sure what to make of their sexual appetites. “Their sex lives were impossible to fathom,” she observes, “because they seemed never to have lived in darkness.”
Witt anchors this chapter inside the relationship of the young polyamorous newlyweds, who like going to Burning Man with their tribe of relentlessly cool and open-minded friends and who seem to have figured out, through trial and error and countless difficult conversations, what makes them happy in and out of bed. Witt can’t help envying their close-knit friendships and sexual frankness and openness.Witt anchors this chapter inside the relationship of the young polyamorous newlyweds, who like going to Burning Man with their tribe of relentlessly cool and open-minded friends and who seem to have figured out, through trial and error and countless difficult conversations, what makes them happy in and out of bed. Witt can’t help envying their close-knit friendships and sexual frankness and openness.
Witt’s sexual future — as well as the future of free love in America, which Witt only gives tangential attention to — seems less promising in comparison. “America had a lot of respect for the future of objects,” Witt writes, “and less interest in the future of human arrangements.”Witt’s sexual future — as well as the future of free love in America, which Witt only gives tangential attention to — seems less promising in comparison. “America had a lot of respect for the future of objects,” Witt writes, “and less interest in the future of human arrangements.”