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Boris Johnson loses patience with Bozzasceptics in the Commons Boris Johnson loses patience with the Bozzasceptics
(about 2 hours later)
As a junior minister fielded questions on Kashmir, Boris Johnson kept his head down and rifled through his briefing notes. No joy. He tried reordering them. Still no joy. As a last resort, he turned them upside down. Nada. Zilch. When you don’t really believe in anything it’s always so hard to know if the papers in front of you are entirely accurate or merely clarifying something that isn’t true. There was only one thing for it. He would have to wing it. No change there then.As a junior minister fielded questions on Kashmir, Boris Johnson kept his head down and rifled through his briefing notes. No joy. He tried reordering them. Still no joy. As a last resort, he turned them upside down. Nada. Zilch. When you don’t really believe in anything it’s always so hard to know if the papers in front of you are entirely accurate or merely clarifying something that isn’t true. There was only one thing for it. He would have to wing it. No change there then.
When in doubt, go to war. With Labour’s Chris Bryant and David Winnick more interested in scoring points off Jeremy Corbyn’s equivalence between Russian and US involvement in Syria than actually thinking about the realistic options of British foreign policy in the Middle East, the foreign secretary was free to indulge his enthusiasm for military action at foreign office questions in the Commons.When in doubt, go to war. With Labour’s Chris Bryant and David Winnick more interested in scoring points off Jeremy Corbyn’s equivalence between Russian and US involvement in Syria than actually thinking about the realistic options of British foreign policy in the Middle East, the foreign secretary was free to indulge his enthusiasm for military action at foreign office questions in the Commons.
Boris had no idea who exactly he was going to attack, how he was going to avoid more civilian casualties or how he was going to prevent the west getting locked into a third world war. He just wanted his fingers on the trigger. Bad-a-boom, bad-a-boom. As long as there is no enthusiasm among any of our allies for doing more than trash-talking the Russians, both Theresa May and the Labour party are happy to indulge Boris’s gung-ho militarism. Taking the moral high ground when there is no chance of being called upon to defend it is always a safe space.Boris had no idea who exactly he was going to attack, how he was going to avoid more civilian casualties or how he was going to prevent the west getting locked into a third world war. He just wanted his fingers on the trigger. Bad-a-boom, bad-a-boom. As long as there is no enthusiasm among any of our allies for doing more than trash-talking the Russians, both Theresa May and the Labour party are happy to indulge Boris’s gung-ho militarism. Taking the moral high ground when there is no chance of being called upon to defend it is always a safe space.
It all got rather trickier when the subject moved on to the EU. Could the foreign secretary guarantee that Japanese businesses wouldn’t withdraw investment to this country as a result of the referendum? “I can give you a cast iron guarantee that everything is going to be absolutely brilliant and that the Japanese will be giving us squillions of pounds,” said Boris, conveniently hiding the newspaper article he had written saying everything was going to be terrible and that the Japanese were going to take their cash elsewhere.It all got rather trickier when the subject moved on to the EU. Could the foreign secretary guarantee that Japanese businesses wouldn’t withdraw investment to this country as a result of the referendum? “I can give you a cast iron guarantee that everything is going to be absolutely brilliant and that the Japanese will be giving us squillions of pounds,” said Boris, conveniently hiding the newspaper article he had written saying everything was going to be terrible and that the Japanese were going to take their cash elsewhere.
Could the foreign secretary guarantee that Italians would still be welcome in this country, enquired Tory Alberto Costa. “Va beh tutti li Itali sonno benevenuti a a a alla Londra.” Boris adlibbed in doggi bollockese, confirming both that he couldn’t speak the language – if in doubt, shout louder – and that Italians wouldn’t be welcome anywhere outside the M25.Could the foreign secretary guarantee that Italians would still be welcome in this country, enquired Tory Alberto Costa. “Va beh tutti li Itali sonno benevenuti a a a alla Londra.” Boris adlibbed in doggi bollockese, confirming both that he couldn’t speak the language – if in doubt, shout louder – and that Italians wouldn’t be welcome anywhere outside the M25.
Alex Salmond chose to press Johnson on an article he had written after the referendum in which he had argued Britain should remain a member of the single market. “As far as I know there was only one version of this particular article,” he said. “If it was OK for the leader of the Brexiteers to argue for full participation in the single marketplace after the referendum, why is it not OK for people on this side of the House to try to force that issue to a vote in the House of Commons?”Alex Salmond chose to press Johnson on an article he had written after the referendum in which he had argued Britain should remain a member of the single market. “As far as I know there was only one version of this particular article,” he said. “If it was OK for the leader of the Brexiteers to argue for full participation in the single marketplace after the referendum, why is it not OK for people on this side of the House to try to force that issue to a vote in the House of Commons?”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” Boris replied, quickly dashing off another 1,000 words on the hoof. “See here,” he continued, brandishing the drying ink under Salmond’s nose. “I’ve just found something I wrote that contradicts myself and I’ve now realised that the first article I wrote was merely clarifying something I didn’t believe in after all.”“That’s where you’re wrong,” Boris replied, quickly dashing off another 1,000 words on the hoof. “See here,” he continued, brandishing the drying ink under Salmond’s nose. “I’ve just found something I wrote that contradicts myself and I’ve now realised that the first article I wrote was merely clarifying something I didn’t believe in after all.”
Boris appeared disappointed to find so many people doubting him on both his own and the opposition benches and when Labour’s Ben Bradshaw drew attention to an American chamber of commerce report that suggested the US was planning to withhold $600bn of investment from the UK due to uncertainty over the single market, Boris had had enough. “All this bremoaning gloomadon popping is getting me down,” Pangloss moaned. “Let me tell you here and now that everything is going to be absolutely brilliant. Why can’t you all just cheer up a bit?” Because they’d all read the foreign secretary’s article saying it was all going to be a nightmare. That’s why.Boris appeared disappointed to find so many people doubting him on both his own and the opposition benches and when Labour’s Ben Bradshaw drew attention to an American chamber of commerce report that suggested the US was planning to withhold $600bn of investment from the UK due to uncertainty over the single market, Boris had had enough. “All this bremoaning gloomadon popping is getting me down,” Pangloss moaned. “Let me tell you here and now that everything is going to be absolutely brilliant. Why can’t you all just cheer up a bit?” Because they’d all read the foreign secretary’s article saying it was all going to be a nightmare. That’s why.
Sensing that there was nothing his boss could do to fight off the Bozzasceptics, junior minister Tobias Ellwood rode to the rescue. “We won and you lost,” he snapped. “Brexit is going to happen whether it bankrupts the country or not. So get used to it.” First the carrot, then the stick.Sensing that there was nothing his boss could do to fight off the Bozzasceptics, junior minister Tobias Ellwood rode to the rescue. “We won and you lost,” he snapped. “Brexit is going to happen whether it bankrupts the country or not. So get used to it.” First the carrot, then the stick.