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| Philip Hammond finds his safe space with Treasury select committee | Philip Hammond finds his safe space with Treasury select committee |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| “It’s OK chancellor,” said Andrew Tyrie. “You’re among grown-ups here at the Treasury select committee.” | “It’s OK chancellor,” said Andrew Tyrie. “You’re among grown-ups here at the Treasury select committee.” |
| A solitary tear rolled down the face of Phillip Hammond and splashed on to the desk in front of him. At last he was free from the half-witted Boris, Liam, David and Priti in cabinet. Here he was among friends. People who were quite happy for an accountant to be running the Treasury. People who could accept him for who he was. People who might eventually learn to love the Lurch within. | A solitary tear rolled down the face of Phillip Hammond and splashed on to the desk in front of him. At last he was free from the half-witted Boris, Liam, David and Priti in cabinet. Here he was among friends. People who were quite happy for an accountant to be running the Treasury. People who could accept him for who he was. People who might eventually learn to love the Lurch within. |
| “Can we start by talking about the leaked report on overseas student numbers?” | “Can we start by talking about the leaked report on overseas student numbers?” |
| There was nothing Lurch would have liked more than to open up and declare his love for overseas students. But he wasn’t ready to make himself that vulnerable yet. He was just too raw. It wasn’t easy to open yourself up when you were stuck in an abusive relationship with your cabinet colleagues who hated students. | There was nothing Lurch would have liked more than to open up and declare his love for overseas students. But he wasn’t ready to make himself that vulnerable yet. He was just too raw. It wasn’t easy to open yourself up when you were stuck in an abusive relationship with your cabinet colleagues who hated students. |
| “I’m being treated very well,” he said, guardedly. | “I’m being treated very well,” he said, guardedly. |
| “There, there chancellor,” Tyrie replied. “If it’s any consolation, we’re all on your side. Now can you tell us whether the reference to ‘a change has got to come’ that the prime minister made in her conference speech related to quantitative easing and monetary policy?” | “There, there chancellor,” Tyrie replied. “If it’s any consolation, we’re all on your side. Now can you tell us whether the reference to ‘a change has got to come’ that the prime minister made in her conference speech related to quantitative easing and monetary policy?” |
| “It meant whatever the prime minister meant it to mean,” Lurch replied. He really wasn’t ready for this. He still had serious trust issues. | “It meant whatever the prime minister meant it to mean,” Lurch replied. He really wasn’t ready for this. He still had serious trust issues. |
| “Even Tony Blair used to tell Gordon Brown what was going on,” Tyrie observed. Lurch remained impassive. Tony and Gordon had nothing on the hell he was going through with his cabinet colleagues. | “Even Tony Blair used to tell Gordon Brown what was going on,” Tyrie observed. Lurch remained impassive. Tony and Gordon had nothing on the hell he was going through with his cabinet colleagues. |
| Tyrie tried another tack. There had to be a way of breaking down the chancellor’s emotional defences. “Can you tell us if we’re leaving the customs unions?” | Tyrie tried another tack. There had to be a way of breaking down the chancellor’s emotional defences. “Can you tell us if we’re leaving the customs unions?” |
| “We haven’t come to any conclusions yet,” Lurch stammered. That had to be an answer that couldn’t upset anyone. This Stockholm syndrome was proving tricky to shake off. | “We haven’t come to any conclusions yet,” Lurch stammered. That had to be an answer that couldn’t upset anyone. This Stockholm syndrome was proving tricky to shake off. |
| “It rather sounds as if we must be leaving the customs union then,” said Tyrie. | “It rather sounds as if we must be leaving the customs union then,” said Tyrie. |
| Lurch gasped. How did he know? He desperately tried to think if he’d given anything away. Theresa would kill him if he had. | Lurch gasped. How did he know? He desperately tried to think if he’d given anything away. Theresa would kill him if he had. |
| “Because,” Tyrie continued, “all the people wandering round the world making independent trade deals are completely wasting their time if we’re not.” | “Because,” Tyrie continued, “all the people wandering round the world making independent trade deals are completely wasting their time if we’re not.” |
| Lurch felt his defences breaking down. There was nothing he would have liked to do more than to trash talk Liam and his useless department. But something held him back. He would need a lot more therapy from the committee before he could go that far. “A trade ministry isn’t necessarily there to do trade deals,” he explained. No. It was there to have fun and collect air miles. | Lurch felt his defences breaking down. There was nothing he would have liked to do more than to trash talk Liam and his useless department. But something held him back. He would need a lot more therapy from the committee before he could go that far. “A trade ministry isn’t necessarily there to do trade deals,” he explained. No. It was there to have fun and collect air miles. |
| Labour’s Rachel Reeves decided Tyrie was being a bit too easy on the patient. She was a school of hard knocks gestalt therapist and believed confrontation was an important first step towards healing. “Are the Treasury models that predicted Brexit would be a complete disaster still government policy?” she demanded. | Labour’s Rachel Reeves decided Tyrie was being a bit too easy on the patient. She was a school of hard knocks gestalt therapist and believed confrontation was an important first step towards healing. “Are the Treasury models that predicted Brexit would be a complete disaster still government policy?” she demanded. |
| Lurch wavered. His mouth opened but nothing came out. Yet how he longed to yell: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Another tear formed. He was dying inside. All he could manage was a reply that even he could tell was completely vague. “We’ve decided that those models were the wrong ones but we’re not going to tell you what the right ones are because we haven’t worked out what they are and even when we do we shan’t tell you because we’re not going to give a running commentary so for that reason we’re going to keep the whole country in the dark.” | Lurch wavered. His mouth opened but nothing came out. Yet how he longed to yell: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Another tear formed. He was dying inside. All he could manage was a reply that even he could tell was completely vague. “We’ve decided that those models were the wrong ones but we’re not going to tell you what the right ones are because we haven’t worked out what they are and even when we do we shan’t tell you because we’re not going to give a running commentary so for that reason we’re going to keep the whole country in the dark.” |
| “If you didn’t want to give a running commentary it would help if the cabinet Brexit subcommittee didn’t leak its every move to the newspapers,” observed Tyrie drily. | |
| “It’s OK,” said Labour’s Wes Streeting. “We all understand that the prime minister needs a safe space for negotiating. And we want you to think of this committee as your safe space. A place where the real Lurch can be seen and heard. We want to help you get the right kind of Brexit. So just relax and share your feelings in your own time.” | “It’s OK,” said Labour’s Wes Streeting. “We all understand that the prime minister needs a safe space for negotiating. And we want you to think of this committee as your safe space. A place where the real Lurch can be seen and heard. We want to help you get the right kind of Brexit. So just relax and share your feelings in your own time.” |
| “We’re from the Treasury select committee, we’re here to help you,” added Labour’s Helen Goodman, soothingly. | “We’re from the Treasury select committee, we’re here to help you,” added Labour’s Helen Goodman, soothingly. |
| Lurch could feel the shackles breaking. They really were there to help him. To hell with Liam, David and Boris. The true Lurch was shining bright. “I just want to say that those who are trying to close down the Brexit debate aren’t being very helpful,” he said. | Lurch could feel the shackles breaking. They really were there to help him. To hell with Liam, David and Boris. The true Lurch was shining bright. “I just want to say that those who are trying to close down the Brexit debate aren’t being very helpful,” he said. |
| It wasn’t much, but it was a start. “That’s very brave of you,” said Tyrie kindly. “Thank you for sharing that. That will be £75 and we will see you again in a few weeks time. Make another appointment with my receptionist on the way out.” | It wasn’t much, but it was a start. “That’s very brave of you,” said Tyrie kindly. “Thank you for sharing that. That will be £75 and we will see you again in a few weeks time. Make another appointment with my receptionist on the way out.” |